|
Celebrating Or Indulging Our Sadness Is Healthy
by Heike Berens
I can say with
almost complete certainly that almost anyone reading the title of this article would find the idea of celebrating or indulging
their sadness somewhat peculiar. Yet, as a counselor/coach who cultivates and encourages ways to gain more joy and satisfaction from intimate relationships, I believe accepting and embracing our sadness is crucial to living a full life.
Happiness Has Become an Obsession
As a society, we are bombarded
with information about being happy, so much so that the idea of happiness has become an obsession for most people. Of course, everyone wants to be happy and it’s a goal that’s important to strive towards, yet in our pursuit of what we believe is happiness, we often overlook something very important:
our emotions.
We suppress and sometimes
discount the full scope of our emotions, but in truth, emotions are actually the driving and supportive force towards happiness.
Denial of Emotions through the Eyes of a Dieter
An
analogy that clearly explains what I mean about suppressing our emotions would be best explained by watching the person who wants to lose weight and who goes on a very strict diet. Chocolate cake
becomes the enemy and must be eliminated at all costs.
However, in a weak moment
that person succumbs to the temptation, slipping up on his or her diet and rushing to indulge and binge on just the very thing
they think they must give up.
Once a person goes to that
place of indulgence, they find it extremely difficult to get back on track. In contrast, had that person allowed themselves
a small portion of chocolate cake, instead of denying themselves altogether, they would have satisfied the urge for chocolate cake and more quickly and easily been able to stay on track.
Ebbs and Flows of Life
By
the same token, we think that all feelings of sadness or unhappiness are the enemy and that if we experience these emotions there must be something wrong with us.
Once experiencing these so
called uncomfortable emotions, we scramble around trying to stop anything that smacks of sadness, holding back tears
and pretending to be all smiles. But, no one can keep that up forever, as life is made up of ebbs and flows, just like the
waves of the ocean. The tide comes in and the tide goes out.
Sometimes, for no apparent
reason or for a very good reason, we feel sad, and when sadness
hits, many people lose their way.
Thinking that something is amiss, they immediately try to suppress these so-called “bad” feelings because they think they are wrong. Just like the chocolate cake and binge eating, the more we try to push away these feelings the harder it is to climb out of the hole.
And once there, we feel terrified
of not being able to rid ourselves of the sadness that we feel inside.
They come and go, move through us just like “visitors. The
following beautiful poem by Rumi called “The Guest house,” describes it best.
The Guest House
This being human is
a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them
all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
As Rumi so
eloquently puts, there is nothing to be afraid of and no need to push emotions away. Yet, many people feel the need to keep busy, take yoga classes, meditate and stay on the move, making every effort to hide their feelings and rid themselves of emotions entirely.
However, when we push hard
against our emotions, we are not allowing ourselves to be, mostly because we fear what we perceive as that horrible feeling of sadness.
If instead, we could just
be with all of our emotions and not make any one of them wrong or bad, we would have much smoother sailing.
In fact,
if we just let our feelings and emotions come and go, we would find the balance in our lives that we all yearn for, plus we would feel more alive. Plainly stated, pushing our emotions away keeps them there for a longer period of time.
Consequently, when we allow
ourselves to surrender into the sadness without resistance, it leaves much sooner.
The Fear of Sadness
Based
on my years of working with clients, I have found that people are afraid to feel sadness because they think it will last forever. Some people have held back their sadness for so long they think the dam will burst and they won’t be able to stop the sadness.
Nothing could be further from
the truth. The only time that sadness is not healthy is when someone feels sad all the time.
That person is usually someone
who has not dealt with any feelings from childhood or perhaps they haven’t sought out a way to gain emotional strength or they might be suffering from a clinical condition.
A person who is emotionally
healthy is comfortable with his or her own sadness. They know it’s a healthy sign to express sadness because that person is in touch with all their
feelings.
An Emotionally Healthy Person
To
define an emotionally healthy person, my interpretation would be a person who has the ability to feel and express all their emotions without fear.
An emotionally healthy person has the ability to celebrate or indulge their sadness because they know that sadness is not long lasting. Once a person feels their sadness,
they can trust that it will disappear. It is a truism that when we feel our emotions without suppressing them the emotion dissipates.
As we deal with sadness in a healthy way, we are being true to our emotions and ourselves. We can receive the insights and gifts our emotions have to offer and by doing so, we’re helping to make room for lots more happiness.
About the Author
Heike Berens
is a dedicated counselor/coach who cultivates and encourages ways to gain more joy and satisfaction from intimate relationships.
She is a certified Dip. Transpersonal Counsellor, and received Grad Certification in Health Science (Sexual Health). Heike
is also a Certified Integrative Coach in the Spiritual Divorce Model. In support of her endeavours, Heike is a member of the
Australian Counseling Association (ACA Qualified) and a Member of the Australian Society of Sex Educators Researchers and
Therapists (A.S.S.E.R.T). Heike is available for consultation and can be reached by e-mailing her at info@heikeberens.com.
You may also visit her on the web at www.heikeberens.com.
source site: click here
Sadness
kathleen howe
We've all encountered sadness. Whether it be felt due to the breakup of a relationship,
a death of a loved one, or even as a child who feels left out the playgroup - sadness is
often avoided. No one ever tells us what to do if we feel
sad, except of course, to "not feel sad."
So when we feel sad, we tend to push it around in our
minds, much like the unwanted brussels sprouts on our dinner plate.
I've heard that the nutritional value
of brussels sprouts is way up there, with its Sulfur-Containing Phytonutrients that fight cancer! but truly - who can
eat them? They taste horrible! So while sadness is necessary in our lives, it serves a purpose,
we still don't know what to do with it when we experience it.
Instead of turning our noses up and
leaving our sadness to try feeling something else more familiar - I suggest learning why we feel sad and how it helps us. It's better to learn how to cope with and process our emotions and feelings instead of burying them somewhere deep inside our gut.
Sparing
you another reminder of those horrid brussels sprouts; I added a picture of my grand daughter, Charlotte, feeling sad. I remember the day well, in the middle of the summer, when we had been out in the front yard watching Charlotte
play in the swimming pool. She was having the time of her life, but after about one hour, I decided she'd had enough sun.
So in the house we went causing Charlotte to open those big blue eyes extra wide and push out that lower lip. She was naturally
very sad that she had to stop playing
in the pool. I could understand that and she wasn't mad or angry because there was no temper tantrum. She just felt sad and it was written all over her
face.
I brought her up to my bedroom and changed
her clothes while she laid quite abnormally still - using those big blues to tell me that she wasn't very happy. But she's a very good girl and I want her to grow up being able to identify what she feels so that she can decide how to process that emotion or feeling in the best way possible and then be able to let it go!
I laid down next to her and asked her,
"Charlotte, are you feeling sad because we had to come in the house now?" She was looking for her binky. I could see her looking around with a
slightly frantic look on her face and I asked her again. "Charlotte, are you feeling sad because we came into the house and now you want your binky?"
Whether or not she understood anything I said, I do know that she recognized the word, "binky" and she nodded her little head, "yes!" She wanted to self soothe with her binky and that was fine with
me. I offered the binky to her in her hand and she promptly popped it into her mouth and began sucking on it. She laid perfectly
still, looking around the room with that little binky moving quickly back and forth showing how hard she was sucking on it.
So as
you can see from looking at the next picture, there's a definite look of sadness
on her face although she's just one and a half years old. She knows that she's feeling uncomfortable about something, but does she know she's feeling sad?
No, she doesn't. That's why I am talking to her and asking her, "Charlotte, are you feeling sad?" This is how children learn to identify their emotions and feelings. Do you ever remember your mother or father asking you questions about how you were feeling? Probably not as young as one or two, but as a child let's say eight or nine - did your parents help you identify what you
were feeling?
Children learn language by listening to us speak to them and others. I know that Charlotte was feeling uncomfortable because she wanted the comfort of her binky. So I let her lay on the bed and I talked to her about being
sad. I told her it was okay that we just lay in the bed for a short while and feel sad. And as I talked to her it forced me to think hard about how to
describe the feeling of sadness.
A Sad Mother Asks God a Question
By Gloria Wendroff
Dear God,
I am trying to integrate Heavenletter,
#697, What Does Sadness Teach You? It is so good, and I know I am in the verge of understanding it, but not quite getting it. I like the orchestra analogy and only hearing the low notes sometimes when the whole orchestra
is playing.
My question is: When I am only hearing the low notes, how do I open my ears and heart to the high notes? I mourn the death of my three-year old Molly and know my way through sadness. I know that I will also hear the high notes. You say exonerate sadness.
How do I do this without going through it?
In Great Gratitude for You, Diane
God to Diane:
My dearest
Diane. Exonerate sadness means to not give it such a bad reputation.
Exonerate it is to not give it so much power as My children do. Exonerate is to let it take its course at the same time as you usher it to the door. You can be gracious to sadness and let it have its say, and then wave goodbye to it.
You have to go through it, My dear daughter, or, rather, you let it go through
you – and out. You do not make it a welcome guest, nor do you evict it. You exonerate it from blame. You give it its freedom. Even sadness has its exquisiteness. You know that.
Of itself, sadness is neither good nor bad. It’s
just sadness. It comes and go, like any wind that blows. Like any other thought you have. Like any other tune that goes through your head.
Sadness sometimes is
another door for anger. Then do not protest sadness but unclothe it.
In this moment, with your thoughts, you can make yourself sad, can’t you? At any time. It is easy to. Do not mask the
sadness, but you can talk to yourself in a different way. You cannot change your mind about what seems sad to you, but you can look in another direction. You have
sadness because you had sweetness.
Much of sadness is longing for sweetness lost, seemingly lost, sweetness taken
out of the physical and time domain, at least. You could not miss your little daughter and feel the yearning unless you had
known the treasure of a sweet being named Molly.
Here’s
the thing. The sweetness was yours, Diane. Molly brought out your own sweetness. Sweetness from the outside
can only match the sweetness you are. Illusion of loss brings sadness. Thoughts of loss bring sadness. Whatever you tune into, it reverberates something within you. But
there is no loss within you. Only, the world teaches loss.
When
you are alone and feeling sadness overtake you and you don’t want it any longer, look up. Physically look up.
And that will help because the simple act of looking up will open you to more of My blessing at the same time as it takes your mind off sadness.
Sadness is only a chapter in the book of life, and you can put it down by looking up.
When you are in a group and you feel sadness
overtaking, look around, and give some of your sweetness to another. Find more places to place your sweetness, beloved Diane.
My Molly is ever with Me,
as are you. The difference is that Molly in Heaven has no distractions from the presence of love, as you do on earth. Remember that the high notes are always playing. They are there for you to hear. You can hear them now.
Even amidst sadness, you can hear the high notes. You do not have to wait. You hear My love
now, don’t you?
Mighty Diane, I attest to
your sweetness. I do not attest to loss. But that does not mean that you can toss thoughts of loss called sadness away with one sweep of your hand. Let sadness
be there if it must, but take not so much notice of it.
Consider
sadness as one of your children. While the child is underfoot, you can still think of and tend to other things and pretty soon you will notice that the child isn’t underfoot any longer.
God
Author's Bio: Gloria Wendroff grew up without religion or thoughts
about God. No one, least of all Gloria, would have guessed that one day she would become a Godwriter™ and, through God’s
words, bring thousands of people closer to God and their own hearts.
Heavenletters, Love Letters from God, Book One,
with a foreword by Bernie Siegel, M.D., is published in English, Greek, German, and Romanian.
Emailed Heavenletters™
go out very day to over 5,000 subscribers in the U.S. & 71 countries all over the world & now they are reaching you!
In addition to receiving & sending out the daily Heavenletters, Gloria gives Godwriting™ workshops, works on her
next book & makes Heaven CD’s, writes a blog – all with an ear to the Still Small Voice & bringing Earth
closer to Heaven.
See Flash Presentation! http://www.deeptrancenow.com/heavenletters.html
http://www.heavenletters.org
http://www.godwriting.org
source site: click here
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate
light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because
we have known sadness.
David Weatherford
What Does Sad Feel Like?
by Kathleen Howe
Is it a bad thing to feel sad?
Some people will do anything to cheer up someone who is feeling sad up. They don't feel comfortable seeing someone feeling sad or feeling sad themselves. I've heard people say, "What's wrong with you?" after
someone has told them that they're feeling sad. When we're feeling
sad, does that mean we're strange? weird? or does it mean that we're feeling something that we shouldn't be feeling?
When people are grieving they experience sadness. When people are angry, depending on the intensity of the anger - it might be connected to sadness. When there's a loss of love - a person might feel sad as well. It's never something we wish to feel, sadness that is, but we must experience sadness to be able to appreciate the feelings of not being sad.
Relationships with other people can cause us sadness. When someone leaves us, moves away, we
feel very sad about not being able to have an active friendship with that person. We value the fun and happy times we've shared and we realize that we will miss our friend very much. It's okay to feel sad.
Feeling sad allows us the time we need to accept what is happening in our lives. If it's something we're not happy about - it's okay. We can't be happy about everything. So - your friend moving three states away or to the other side of the earth - just has to be accepted so your time spent with sadness helps you absorb reality.
Sometimes an object we really like -
either wears out or breaks. It's times like that when we really feel sad. Sometimes we can fix our object of affection, but if we can't or if our object has been lost and it can't be replaced because of its sentimental value - we can realize that we're sad about that loss.
Most types of loss will find us feeling sad. Things that have sentimental value and are lost can cause us to grieve for that item's sentimental value. Say it was a piece of jewelry that we received as a gift from a dead relative or a long time friend - when broken, worn
out or lost can be honored by writing about the object, drawing the object or just sitting for a time of remembrance will do.
But we must take the time to recognize our sadness, identify it, and embrace it while our minds process the feelings the sadness produces. We must recognize that getting to know what sadness feels like is a healthy process that we all need.
Our
feelings and emotions deserve to be recognized, identified, processed and then let go when we're done with them. They serve a purpose. Sadness
is a stepping stone feeling. It leads us out of a difficult situation and into acceptance. There is no right emotion or wrong emotion. Our feelings simply
are. No one can tell us how to feel or what to feel. We simply are. Things happen and we react with whatever comes into play
for us.
When someone tells you that you SHOULDN'T feel sad; ignore them. People
who use the word should simply want to induce or connect other emotions and feelings into the mix - like guilt and shame. If you aren't feeling what you "should" be then they want you to feel a forced feeling of guilt or shame because you aren't following their rules.
Perhaps you need to feel your emotions and feelings when you recognize that you're feeling something, but no one needs to add additional feelings and emotions to your situation so that you feel badly in some way for not feeling what they think you SHOULD feel. I've tried to eliminate that word, "should" from my vocabulary. If you don't need something
then forget it! No one can tell you how to feel.
Getting back to sadness
and what it feels like; it's difficult to describe sometimes. When we're not
sad, it's more difficult to describe what it feels like. For me sadness
can be a "quiet" time. Sadness isn't lively, it's stillness. Maybe that's why it's so difficult
for me to sit in sadness to process the emotion. It might be easier for me
to process if I just took the time to give sadness it's due. I just have a difficult
time just sitting still and not doing anything.
When my friend Joseph died at the beginning of the
year I became very sad. I believe that I'm still sad
about it but not with the same intensity as before. Until just recently I couldn't concentrate on anything and my mind
would just go to the fact that I missed Joseph's friendship and his conversations with me via e-mail. I would find myself
longing to hear from his family because it was corresponding with someone that knew Joseph and loved him. When I talk about
Joseph with my family, they don't understand the depth of our friendship and they never met him so they just can't understand the depth of my loss.
I was
almost angry for awhile; it was connected to my sense of grief and loss. It was also connected with my sadness. The overwhelming nature of my sadness kept me from
being able to do what I really needed to do. My responsibilities took a back seat to my need to process my sadness, but still - I haven't sat quietly and thoughtfully yet. It's never that quiet in my home and I'm usually trying to keep busy. So instead of concentrating on processing my emotions,
I've been restlessly existing.
If I don't take the time to recognize what I'm feeling and what I need to do to process my emotions and feelings in the time of a tragedy like death, then I might bury my emotions and feelings and try to force them away somehow or deny that they exist. This just causes me to feel stuck, which is what I've been feeling
recently. But! Aha! I am growing stronger and feeling more powerful within my self so I recognize and am able to identify what I've been doing and what I am doing now. By writing about sadness
and the loss of my friend I am processing my sadness. See how it works?
So I can say that sadness
is quiet, sometimes soft and sometimes hard. I can say that it's painful and unbearable at its worst
but as I allow it to sit with me in quiet and acceptance I can appreciate it. It's okay to feel sad.
It's okay to feel sad for a long time when you've lost someone special. The intensity will become less and less with time as you begin to heal, but sadness remains
as long as it needs to stay with us.
Sadness is like a warm rainy day. It's not sunny, bright and perfect outside,
but the rain has it's own attraction. A rainy day is a good time to sleep in snuggled up with a good book, enjoying the
warmth of the covers, the safety of the moment. That's it! Sadness wants safety. Sadness is something out of our control - something we can't fix - we just have to accept or resolve
to never accept, but we must feel it and now that a change is in the works.
Sadness needs solitude and taking time to get re-centered within our own
selves. We can appreciate the not so sad times while we're sad
and reminisce about what happiness we've experienced
at the other end of our sadness. Holding on to those valuable feelings of warmth and honoring
the memories we have. It's time to appreciate our prior experiences that were with other emotions and feelings that were happier.
Sadness is darkness sometimes in its deepest intensity and it brings feelings of being lost and far away from being okay. Every person has their own definition or description of sadness.
If it's time for you to feel sad and you don't know what to do with it, just grab a pen
or pencil and write down the things you are thinking. Sit in silence and listen to your sadness.
Touch your sadness, taste your sadness and hear your sadness. No matter what, just know it's okay to be sad.
Feeling Sad
How sad that I'm not sad!
Amy
is in her early 50's, married and has four children. She has written to me because she hasn't been able to experience sadness for the last 18 years. She finds it strange that whenever her friends
discuss tragedies, whether distant (such as the tsunami that struck Southeast Asia)
or close at home (such as the abduction or murder of schoolchildren), she
does not feel sad. In fact, even when a family member mentioned that they had thought about committing suicide, she couldn't feel sad or cry.
She
has no problems with the other emotions and is happy most of the time. She's actively involved in sports and is preparing to go to college to gain more skills. So, Amy's problem is not debilitating, for she has no problem leading a normal life. However, she's troubled by her inability
to feel sad and wonders if
affirmations can help.
Before
offering suggestions, it may help to define and clarify the meaning of SADNESS.
This word simply means "unhappiness," which, in turn, means "dissatisfied by what is." In other words, we feel sad
when people or circumstances fail to meet our expectations or demands. People set themselves up for unhappiness (sadness) by making demands. For example, if someone were to say or believe "I expect (demand) to be treated with respect" they are also saying "I cannot be happy if I am not treated with respect."
The
above expectation or demand is foolish. Why? Because it makes our happiness dependent on the behavior of others. Since we cannot control others, and because someone, someplace, at some time will disrespect us, when we make such a demand, we guarantee our own
unhappiness. That isn't smart, is it?
If
I walk in the sun, I feel warm. Feeling warm is caused by an external reality, the sun. Feeling sad, however, is not caused by an external reality. Rather, it is a fabrication of our own mind. It is a decision
we make. It is like a child throwing a temper tantrum and saying, "I refuse to be happy if you disrespect me! I refuse to be happy if I lose a person or object I love! I refuse to be happy if I cannot feel sad! (How sad that I'm not sad!)
When
we appreciate what we have, we are able to accept life without making demands. No longer distracted by demands, we will be in a position to enjoy what life offers. And the more we are thankful for what we have, the more we
will have to be thankful for.
Returning
to Amy, what is sad is not her inability to feel sad,
but her inability to accept herself as she is. You see, we are all unique, and part of our uniqueness includes our faults
or weaknesses. When we refuse to reveal our genuine nature, we deny everyone we meet of experiencing our own uniqueness.
Consider
these words of Joseph Campbell (1904 ~ 1987),
"Both the artist and the lover know that perfection
is not lovable. It is the clumsiness of a fault that makes a person lovable."
The problem with thinking we have a problem is that it creates stress. And when stressed, the harder we try to do something, the harder it is to do. This is called the Law of Reverse Effort.
Others
express the same idea by saying "What we resist, persists." So, the more Amy tries to feel sad, the more elusive the feeling becomes. Rather than trying to force herself to become what she thinks she should be, she will be better off letting go of her expectation and allowing herself to become the person she was meant
to be.
Of
course, when Amy says she wants to feel sad, she doesn't mean she wants to be unhappy; she merely means that she wishes to experience sorrow
at the right occasions. Obviously, she wouldn't want to appear cheerful at the funeral of a close friend. So, it is okay for
her to wish her sadness will return, but instead of trying to WILL its return, it is more
effective to INVITE it to return at its own leisure. Also, avoid asking questions such as "How long will it take to return?"
For that question indicates lack of patience, which invites stress and resistance.
But
is it all that bad not to be able to feel sad? Hospice doctors and nurses, for instance,
may emotionally detach themselves from their patients. After all, mourning for the deaths of their patients would be too draining
and make them unable to help those in need. Besides, by deliberately dissociating from their feelings, they can remain objective and clearheaded.
Enlightened
Buddhist monks also do not experience sadness because they do not cling to
or desire anything. Their lives are one of acceptance, compassion, and serenity. But their state of mind is not something they seek after, but something they awaken to.
Getting
back to Amy, when her friends talk about tragic events, she may mistakenly believe that they are feeling sad. Yet, like the Buddhist monks, her friends may feel compassionate without feeling sad. Remember, not only do we have a right to be happy, we have a duty to be happy. For there is already too much sadness in the world and others are counting on us to spread
our happiness.
Does
what I've written so far mean we should avoid being sad? No, because grief over the loss of a loved one is usually needed before we can move on with life and
continue helping others.
Also,
sorrow increases our repertoire of emotions and adds to the richness of life.
Now
that we've considered sadness at some length, let's look at some steps Amy can take
to move on.
1.
Let go of the need to feel
sad. That wish is merely blocking the way. Surrender to the will of life and sorrow will come of its own accord when
you least expect it to.
2. Yes, affirmations
can help. But what you need are not affirmations on feeling sad, but on accepting yourself. When you learn to accept yourself as you are today, you create the space for sorrow
to move in.
For more about affirmations, see:
http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/affirmations.htm
Here is another worthwhile web site to visit:
http://www.businessballs.com/selfbelief.htm
3. Stop trying
to be like other people and don't feel guilty for being you; celebrate your own uniqueness.
4. Visit
this site on psychological self-help to pick up some good ideas: http://helpyourselftherapy.com/topics/index.html
5. Because
of the mind-body connection, an improvement in one area brings about an improvement in the
other. By heightening your ability to tune in to your bodily sensations, you will expand your emotional awareness as well.
What I'm getting at is a wonderful technique called FOCUSING. This technique allows your body to communicate
with you, providing you with a new level of intuitive understanding. You have inner wisdom that would like to speak to you.
If you're interested in tapping into this resource, pick up a copy of this small, but valuable book: FOCUSING by Eugene T. Gendlin, Ph.D., Bantam New Age Books, 1981.
6. For another
good book, see: MAKING PEACE WITH YOURSELF, Turning Your Weaknesses into Strengths, Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D. and Leonard Felder, Ph.D., Ballantine Books,
1985.
7. You may
also be able to pick up tips from a support group specializing in emotions, such as Emotions Anonymous. To
find out more about them, see http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/ or to find meetings near you, visit http://allone.com/12/ea/ .
8. Rather
than using the presence or absence of sadness to depress you, you can use it as a
springboard into a fascinating investigation of melancholy. Try reading the 1,338-page THE ANATOMY OF MELANCHOLY by the eminently
delightful British scholar Robert Burton (1577 ~ 1640).
The
book is published by New York Review Books, 2001. Once you start reading it, you may find that you can't put
it down, and you certainly won't have the time to be sad about not being sad.
9. Focus
on and be grateful for all the blessings you already have and you will find your nearly perfect life will grow
even more so. I wish Amy, and all readers, a happy and peaceful life.
© Chuck Gallozzi
For more articles and
contact information,
Visit http://www.personal-development.com/chuck
source site: click here
a viewpoint from The Times Online
Sad Adults - Childhood may Hold the Clue
Children who have been
physically abused or neglected in their childhood
- before the age of eleven - run a high risk of developing into depressed adults, according to a recent study.
Researchers conducted a study published in
the Archives of General Psychiatry which involved two sets of children.
This included
680 who were abused and neglected as kids and 520 of others, having equal status of age, sex and social standing.
The
children were tracked into an average age of 29 years.
Results drawn depicted that
a very significant part of them; 75%, grew up into severely depressed adults.
Depression was also observed to begin very early onwards; at childhood
itself.
Writes lead researcher Cathy Spatz Widom, "These results underscore the need to detect and treat the long-term psychological (effects) of childhood
neglect.”
Researchers say that this study is the first to show that, depression is a consequence of abuse.
source site: click here
Sad children do better than happy ones in school
By Laura Donnelly and Julie Henry
Last Updated: 11:48PM
BST 31 May 2008
Children who are wiping away a tear in class are better able to concentrate than those who are feeling happy, according to new research.
Academics found that children
who had just watched sad film scenes performed better in mental tests than those who had
enjoyed a feel good clip.
The research, carried out
at the University of Plymouth, found children who were in a negative or neutral mood were more likely to be questioning and critical in their thinking, assisting them in tasks which required
close attention.
Those who were feeling happy and carefree were more likely to gloss over details and therefore more prone to error.
Children aged six and seven
were given a series of tasks to identify shapes after watching different types of film clips.
Those who had just viewed
a scene from animated film The Lion King, in which the cub Simba mourns the death of his father, did far better than
those in high spirits after a chorus of The Bare Necessities from the Disney classic The Jungle Book.
The same pattern was found
in tests on older children who had listened to different pieces of music. Ten and 11-year-olds scored higher after hearing Mahler's sorrowful Adagiatetto, compared
with those who heard Mozart's "happy" Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.
Dr Simone Schnall, the lead
researcher, said the results showed that while being happy assists creativity and imagination, a negative or neutral mood was more useful when it came to concentration skills.
"Research has shown that when
it comes to the broader picture, or creative tasks, the confidence that comes with a good mood helps performance," she said.
"Our study shows that a negative mood can be useful. It tells us to pay attention. It warns us there is a risk of something going wrong and that caution can
help children to perform better."
However, Dr Schnall suggested
that there was no need actively to enforce misery as part of the school curriculum.
The research found children
who performed the tasks in a neutral mood - after watching a clip from The Last Unicorn, in which a knight arrives
at a castle - did as well as those who had a more emotional experience.
The study could undermine
the Government's "happiness agenda", with lessons in emotional literacy being introduced in an effort to improve children's confidence.
source site: click here
Sadness is good for you, scientists say
By Richard Alleyne, Science Correspondent
Last Updated:
11:56PM GMT 14 Jan 2009
Sadness is good for the health because it helps
people change their lives for the better, a study claims.
Scientists have warned that
growing tendency to medicate against sadness like a disease stops us embracing our miserable
side and removes the motivation to mature emotionally.
Like the saying "what does
not kill me, makes me stronger", being sad and melancholic can leave sufferers better able to cope with life's challenges,
more resilient and spur them to greater achievements, it is claimed.
The researchers point out
that today's society prizes personal happiness above all else and there is little tolerance for wallowing in despair after
losing a job, the break-up of a relationship or the death of a loved one.
But a growing number of mental
health experts fear the increasing tendency to take a pill to beat the blues could actually affect human evolution.
Far from the disorder being
a modern malaise, humans have suffered from depression for thousands of years - and it has survived partly because it is beneficial to the species in the long-term, they claim.
Estimates suggest as many
as 1 in 4 people will suffer from depression at some stage in their lives - and 5% of the population is currently living with it.
A growing number of psychiatrists
are questioning whether doctors and drug companies are too keen to treat the condition with powerful and potentially harmful
drugs.
Psychiatrist Professor Jerome
Wakefield said:
"When you find something this deeply in us biologically
you presume it was selected because it had some advantage - otherwise we wouldn't have been burdened with it. We're fooling
around with part of our biological make-up."
Prof Wakefield, of New York
University, believes human sadness helps us learn from our mistakes.
He said: "I think one of the
functions of intense negative emotions is to stop our normal functioning - to make us focus on something else for a while."
It also might act as a psychological
deterrent to prevent us from making those mistakes in the first place, reports New Scientist.
The risk of sadness may deter us from being too impetuous or cavalier, especially in relationships or with other things
we value.
Dr Paul Keedwell, a psychiatrist
at Cardiff University, said even full-blown depression may save us from the effects of long-term stress.
He says without taking time
out to reflect "you might stay in a state of chronic stress until you're exhausted or dead."
For more information, log on to the New Scientist website
source site: click here
Children should be allowed to be sad
We expect the young to be
happy while subjecting them to our concerns. No wonder they are so anxious say Lisa Miller and Margaret Rustin
Lisa Miller and Margaret Rustin
The Observer, Sunday 1 February 2009
The delights of our children's
lives are visible to us all and, indeed, are often envied by older generations. Toys, holidays and a bedroom of one's own
are the lot of many children nowadays. Girls in particular seem to be flourishing in recent decades, enjoying opportunities
previously denied to them. The improvements in the care and well-being of children in hospital and of children with disabilities
of all kinds are enormous.
Yet a succession of reports
focusing on the well-being and perceived happiness of children and young people has painted a dismal picture. Tomorrow will
see the publication of the Good Childhood report, two years in the making and expected to lament the lack of outdoor play.
Most famously, the 2007 Unicef report placed the welfare of British children bottom in a list of 21 rich countries.
Evidence of increased levels
of childhood depression and other serious mental health difficulties continues to emerge. Children's writers, including Philip Pullman, and
an array of champions of childhood have protested about the strains on young people today. So are children unhappier now than
in the past? And if they are, what can be done about it?
Our clinical experience as
child psychotherapists working in the NHS tells us that children often find life complicated and stressful. The pressures
of competitive consumerism, of changing family dynamics and greater social inequality are felt by children as well
as adults and they are less well-equipped to deal with them. The current economic downturn will worsen this situation, since
the atmosphere of widespread gloom and anxiety will seep into children's minds without their having the resources to understand what is happening.
Also relevant is how exposed
today's children are to the grimmer realities of the world. Television and the internet provide little protection from images
of disaster and distress. The visual nature of our culture bombards children with levels of violence and human vulnerability that have complex effects on their picture of the world. Some clinical problems, such as anorexia, seem particularly exacerbated
by the focus on how we look and others, such as conduct and attention disorders, are in part the outcome of over-stimulation
by objects and images unmediated by adult company.
Clinicians increasingly report
of children whose imagination is wholly derivative and who have little expectation of anyone being interested in them. Alongside
this is the implication that everything can be fun, that we should be happy all the time and that all frustrations can be
removed. This conjunction of a knowledge of human misery with a surrounding ideology of all things being possible is hard
to make sense of.
Ordinary unhappiness is not
always easily distinguished by parents or young people from the extraordinary, but long-lasting moods of sadness, anxiety or confusion and difficulties in making friends or in learning suggest a child is in trouble.
Today's parents have a strong
sense of personal responsibility for their children's chances in life. This provides for an enriched development of the individual
child. But the weight of parental responsibility can be heavy and may influence increasing medicalisation. The expansion of
the "diseases" of childhood - attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, autistic disorders and now bipolar diagnoses - goes
along with the idea of a normality that can be achieved by psycho-pharmacology. A recent report noted that 345,000 children
in the UK are now taking Ritalin to control impulsive behaviour.
Parents, professionals and
policy-makers involved in children's care and education need to think much more about the support children require. Their emotional development, their growing up with a capacity for happiness and for the strength to bear unhappiness hang on their need to be accompanied by adult minds, to be thought about day-to-day. Children left to
fend for themselves psychologically are no better off than those left to fend for themselves physically.
A child learns how to be self-sufficient
gradually and needs grown-up help to do so. Much as we would like children to be happy, the fact is that they are born to
the human condition and, as Blake said: "Joy and woe are woven fine." While part of our job is to contribute to our children's
happiness, an equal part is to help them with the heartbreaks of everyday life. We cannot always get rid of their pain and
struggles, but we can keep them company and feel for them.
A grieving child one of us
saw last week sobbing in the park from the sudden memory that her mother was with a newborn sibling while she was being looked
after by grandparents needed to be allowed the space to cry. She found eventual comfort in a conversation about Mummy's special talents after the long minutes of unhappiness had been shared.
It is certainly no help when
adults are too preoccupied or too absent to register the ups and downs of children's feelings, but there is something else even more damaging to a child. This is to ask him or her to bear anxieties that properly belong
to the grown-ups.
Significant numbers of families
require outside support to function effectively and they must not be failed by the services provided to help them. In child and adolescent mental
health services, in schools and the wider community, there is the threat of dominance by an ideology of quick-fix, rather than individual responses to a child's difficulties.
Complexity and depth are minimized,
but to minimise is as dangerous as to exaggerate. There is an assumption that if your troubles can be explained to you they
will cease to worry you. This ignores our awareness that difficulty can never be overcome without struggle.
What makes children unhappy
is to ask them to carry loads that are beyond their strength. Too many children are in this position. They need grown-ups
able to demonstrate that painful experiences can be coped with and able to protect them from being weighed down with anxieties
that are too much for them. That leaves room for happiness and ordinary, manageable unhappiness.
• Lisa Miller and Margaret Rustin are consultant child and adolescent psychotherapists at the Tavistock and Portman
NHS Foundation Trust
source site: click here
Helping Children With Sad Times
Have you ever had
a friend move away?
Have you had a
pet die?
Have you lost someone
close to you?
Sad times are part
of life, just as much as happy times. This is true for both adults and children. Here are some ideas for working with
children who are going through some sad times.
Help children to
talk about their feelings.
“You’re feeling sad right now because Daddy moved to another house. It’s okay to feel
sad. Would you like to talk about it?”
Don’t be
afraid to talk about death with children. Children need to hear the truth.
Many children will want to know why this happened. They may even blame themselves. It’s important to help them understand that they are not to blame for someone dying, divorce, a friend
moving away, or other losses. Sad
and happy things are part of life.
Visit
the local library to find books
to read to the children.
-
Look for books that talk about children’s feelings when someone close to them dies, when a pet dies, when parents divorce, when a friend moves away, etc.
Help children to remember and talk about the person or thing they have lost. These could be good
or bad memories. A child might say,
“My dog used to bark a lot and jump on me, but I really liked
to play with her.”
Many times, a person has
other feelings along with sadness. They could
also be angry or scared. It can be confusing to a child to have all these feelings going on at once. Understand that a child who’s having a sad
time may show a lot of anger or become
scared, as well as sad.
Understand that a child may want to talk about other feelings related to a loss. If a child’s parent dies or moves out, the child may
need to talk about his fear of what will happen to him, how his life will change, and fear of losing
the other parent.
Make sure there are a
lot of activities where children use their senses. Playing with clay, play
dough, sand, rice, and water can help children who are angry or sad to work out those feelings.
Children may want to act
out a funeral in pretend play if someone they know just died. You may want
to get out doctor’s kits and put a sheet over a table or
chair to made a hospital bed if a child
has a friend or family member in the hospital. Pretend play is a good way for children to
understand and make sense of what is happening in their lives.
Talk with the children
about your own sad feelings. You might say,
“I’m feeling sad today because my best friend is moving
away,” or “I’m
feeling sad today because Sarah goes to school tomorrow and this is her last day with
us.”
It’s okay if you cry when you talk about your sad feelings. Your tears let children know that they can cry and talk about sad things too. You may be surprised to
find that the children will want to care for you and help you through this sad time.
Be open to children talking
about their feelings and crying - even boys. You may want to say,
“It’s okay to let your
tears come out."
Protect crying children
from others who may want to call them a “crybaby.” Tell children that crying is
a good way for adults and children to show their sad feelings.
Remember: It’s okay
to be sad. Avoid saying things
like,
“It’s not
so bad” or “Cheer up!”
Understand that a child’s behavior may change at this sad time. A child who often played well with
the other children may now want a lot of your attention and cling to you. Give him lots of hugs
and time to talk about what he’s feeling.
Let children know that
you care about them and their feelings. Try to stay near a child who is having
a sad time. Sometimes children
will need professional help to work through a time of sadness. Talk with a child’s parent about getting professional help
if you see any of the following signs:
-
The child pretends nothing has happened.
-
The child has been sad
for a long time.
-
The child has become aggressive and often hurts others.
-
The child will no longer play or talk with the other children.
-
It is hard for the child to play or her grades in school have dropped.
-
The child talks about suicide.
For more information on helping children with sad times, you may want to borrow the book Are
You Sad Too? from your local county Cooperative
Extension Resource Library.
Sources: Sad
Times and Bouncing Back, by
Ron Goldsmith, Dealing with Sadness and Loss, by Charles Smith.
Developed by Lyn Horning, Better Kid Care Program,
Dr. James E. Van Horn, Better Kid Care Program Director Supported by funds from the Pennsylvania Department
source site: click here
Sad or Angry Teens Have Less
Success With Diabetes Control
By Amy Sutton, Contributing Writer
Health Behavior News Service
Not only do teens with type
1 diabetes have the normal adolescent concerns of school, work and social activities, but they are responsible for taking insulin, monitoring blood glucose (blood sugar) levels and
keeping doctor visits, too. Now, a new study suggests that feelings such as anger or sadness could interfere with teens’ diabetes management.
“Adolescence is a difficult time to manage diabetes, for multiple reasons:
some of them are physiological,
like puberty; some are psychological, such as increasing autonomy.
Also, there’s a rise
during adolescence of negative emotions,” said Cynthia Berg, Ph.D., chairperson of the psychology department at the University of Utah in Salt Lake City.
Berg, a study co-author, and colleagues had 62 adolescents with type 1 diabetes complete daily
diaries for two weeks, detailing their mood, average blood glucose levels, overall confidence in their ability to manage their diabetes and ability to manage daily diabetes tasks, such as eating healthy foods and taking
insulin.
The findings appear in the latest issue of the Annals of Behavioral Medicine.
During the two-week study period, when teens reported more positive feelings, such as happiness or excitement, they tended to have lower - nearer normal - blood glucose levels. In contrast, when teens reported negative feelings, daily diary entries revealed a tendency toward higher blood glucose levels.
Researchers
measured positive and negative emotions on a one- to five-point scale. “The important issue is that for every one-point change in emotion, there is a rather sizeable change in blood glucose,” Berg said.
Ann Goebel-Fabbri,
Ph.D., a psychologist at Joslin Diabetes Center in Boston, cautioned that the act of entering the blood glucose number in
journals might cloud teens’ moods. As a result, “they may feel negatively or positively charged from that result,” she said.
“The take-home message for health
care providers, parents and teens is that both emotions can potentially influence their confidence in blood sugar management,” Goebel-Fabbri said. “At the same time, it can go in the opposite direction —
the actual outcomes can also influence their emotions. It’s a bidirectional relationship.”
# # #
FOR MORE INFORMATION:
Health Behavior News Service:
hbns-editor@cfah.org or (202) 387-2829 or
Annals of Behavioral Medicine is an official peer-reviewed publication
of The Society of Behavioral Medicine. For information about the journal, contact Alan J. Christensen, Ph.D., at (319) 335-3396.
Visit the Society of Behavioral Medicine at http://www.springer.com/public+health/journal/12160.
Fortenberry KT, et
al. Perceived diabetes task competence mediates the relationship of both negative and positive affect with blood glucose in
adolescents with type 1 diabetes. Annals of Behavioral Medicine 31(1), 2009.
source site: click here
Why Am I So Sad?
Everyone gets sad. Everyone you’ve ever met has felt sad sometime in their life. Most
people feel sad every once in a while, but others can feel sad
more often. Teenagers and younger kids often feel sad at least once a month. When you feel
sad, sometimes it seems like you will feel this way forever! But, most of the time, sadness doesn’t last that long, it usually lasts a few hours or maybe a day or two. Sometimes
people get a deeper type of sadness that lasts a lot longer. This is called depression.
What Is Sadness? Sadness is a feeling — it is one of the most common and normal feelings everyone has. Sadness usually
comes when we have lost something important to us or when we are disappointed about something, or when something sad has happened
to us or someone we know. We can also feel sad when we are lonely or hurt.
When Is It Natural to Feel Sad? There are lots of reasons we can feel sad. Maybe you didn't get something you really
wanted. Maybe you miss somebody. Maybe somebody you really like doesn't want to be friends, and you don't feel so great about
yourself. Maybe an illness or condition gets in the way of doing some things you want to do or makes you different from your
friends. Most of the time, sadness is because of a loss or separation, a difficult change or disappointment about something,
or relationship problems. Feeling sadness because of these things is a natural reaction.
When Is Sadness a Problem? If a sad feeling goes on for too long, hurts too deeply, and makes it hard for you to enjoy
the good things about your life, it can be a problem. Sometimes it can turn into depression.
Here are some of the signs and symptoms of depression:
• feeling hopeless (like there's nothing to look
forward to)
• feeling guilty or worthless
• feeling lonely or unloved
• feeling irritable and annoyed a lot (every little thing
gets on your nerves)
• feeling like things are not fun anymore
• having trouble keeping your mind on schoolwork or homework
or getting bad grades
• having less energy and feeling tired all the time
• sleeping too much or not enough
• not eating enough and weight loss or eating too much
and weight gain
• thinking about death or thinking about suicide
• spending less time with friends and more time alone
• crying a lot, often for no reason
• having certain body feelings, like lots of stomachaches,
headaches, or chest pain
Getting Help. When
sadness lasts too long and seems to take on the signs and symptoms listed above, it is important to get help. When you get
help, you can get better quickly. Sometimes help means talking to someone who knows all about depression, like a counselor.
Sometimes help means medications. Sometimes both of these are used. But getting help quickly and talking to someone is the
best way to understand what a person needs to do to get better. If you think you have depression or you just have sadness
that simply will not go away, it is important to talk to an adult about it: a parent, relative, doctor, teacher, guidance
counselor, coach, or close adult friend. This person can help you find the right type of treatment. There is always somebody
to talk to when you are sad or if you are depressed — somebody who can help.
source site: click here
"My mom lost all her hair after chemo. She started wearing hats. People
stared at us. I felt really bad that I was embarrassed to be with her. Then my mom just came out and asked me what I was thinking.
When I told her, she said she wasn't crazy about the new bald look either, but that she was glad to be alive. Now I see my
mom first as one very brave woman. I don't care who stares." - Ming, age 16
Knowing how your parent may be feeling could help you figure
out how to help, or at least understand where he or she is coming from. You may be surprised to learn that they are feeling
a lot of the same things you are:
- Sad or
depressed. People with cancer sometimes can't do things they used to do. They may miss these activities and their
friends. Feeling sad or down can range from a mild case of the blues to depression, which
a doctor can treat.
- Afraid. Your parent may be afraid of how
cancer will change his or her life and the lives of family members. He or she may be scared about treatment. Your parent may
even be scared that he or she will die.
- Anxious. Your parent may be worried about
a lot of things. Your mom or dad may feel stressed about going to work or paying the bills. Or he or she may be concerned
about looking different because of treatment. And your mom or dad is probably very concerned about how you are doing. All
these worries may upset your parent.
- Angry. Cancer treatment and its side effects
can be difficult to go through. Anger sometimes comes from feelings that are hard to show, such as fear or frustration. Chances
are your parent is angry at the disease, not at you.
- Lonely. People with cancer often feel lonely
or distant from others. They may find that their friends have a hard time dealing with their cancer and may not visit. They
may be too sick to take part in activities they used to enjoy. They may feel that no one understands what they're going through.
- Hopeful. There are many reasons for your
parent to feel hopeful. Millions of people who have had cancer are alive today. People with cancer can lead active lives,
even during treatment. Your parent's chances of surviving cancer are better today than ever before.
All these feelings are normal for people living with cancer. You might want to share this list
with your mom or dad.
source site: click here
How Are You Feeling?
.....sad?
blue, miserable, tearful, fed-up and even depressed
It is natural to feel sad some days when you are
having a rough time. And for some, it can be just for a day or two, or it may be that you feel sad a lot of the time.
There are many reasons why you feel sad. For example,
you may feel a sense of loss - a loss of feeling well or your life not being the same, or a feeling of missing out on things
that your friends and family are doing. Being diagnosed with cancer and going through treatment isn't easy to deal with and
it is OK to feel sad. It is also OK to cry - tears are a natural reaction to distress and can be an important release.
Many emotions can also create physical feelings.
When you are sad, this might be something like an ache in your stomach or a dry mouth. We all deal with our feelings differently,
so when we are sad, some of us might be tearful and talk about it while others may look sad, but not want to talk about it
and not cry. Others will act as normal and keep the feelings inside, chatting and laughing as usual. There isn't a right or
wrong way to be.
If this feeling goes on and you are feeling sad every
day, not wanting to do anything and you have no energy, you may be depressed. If you think you might be depressed it is important to let someone,
like your GP, know.
What Can Help
- Sharing how you feel can be really helpful. This could
be with your parents or someone else close to you, like your friends or other family. There are also other people who could help.
- Try to do something that you enjoy, like listening to music
or reading a magazine.
- Have a look in helping
yourself for more ideas.
source site: click here
A very sad state of affairs which this true
story portrays very openly. Is your child facing the same thing? Do you notice if your teen is feeling sad, acting out in any way? It's time we noticed more as parents.
Young, Gay and Murdered
Kids are coming out younger,
but are schools ready to handle the complex issues of identity and sexuality? For Larry King, the question had tragic implications.
Newsweek Online
By Ramin
Setoodeh | NEWSWEEK
Published Jul 19,
2008
From the magazine issue dated Jul 28, 2008
At 15, Lawrence King was small
- 5 feet 1 inch - but very hard to miss. In January, he started to show up for class at Oxnard, Calif.'s E. O. Green Junior
High School decked out in women's accessories. On some days, he would slick up his curly hair in a Prince-like bouffant. Sometimes
he'd paint his fingernails hot pink and dab glitter or white foundation on his cheeks.
"He wore makeup better than
I did," says Marissa Moreno, 13, one of his classmates. He bought a pair of stilettos at Target, and he couldn't have been
prouder if he had on a varsity football jersey. He thought nothing of chasing the boys around the school in them, teetering as he ran.
But on the morning of Feb.
12, Larry left his glitter and his heels at home. He came to school dressed like any other boy: tennis shoes, baggy pants,
a loose sweater over a collared shirt. He seemed unhappy about something. He hadn't slept much the night before, and he told one school employee that he threw up his breakfast that
morning, which he sometimes did because he obsessed over his weight. But this was different.
One student noticed that as
Larry walked across the quad, he kept looking back nervously over his shoulder before he slipped into his first-period English
class. The teacher, Dawn Boldrin, told the students to collect their belongings, and then marched them to a nearby computer
lab, so they could type out their papers on World War II. Larry found a seat in the middle of the room. Behind him, Brandon
McInerney pulled up a chair.
Brandon, 14, wasn't working
on his paper, because he told Mrs. Boldrin he'd finished it. Instead, he opened a history book and started to read. Or at
least he pretended to. "He kept looking over at Larry," says a student who was in the class that morning. "He'd look at the
book and look at Larry, and look at the book and look at Larry."
At 8:30 a.m., a half hour
into class, Brandon quietly stood up. Then, without anyone's noticing, he removed a handgun that he had somehow sneaked to
school, aimed it at Larry's head, and fired a single shot. Boldrin, who was across the room looking at another student's work,
spun around. "Brandon, what the hell are you doing!" she screamed. Brandon fired at Larry a second time, tossed the gun on
the ground and calmly walked through the classroom door.
Police arrested
him within seven minutes, a few blocks from school. Larry was rushed to the hospital, where he died two days later of brain
injuries.
The Larry King shooting
became the most prominent gay-bias crime since the murder of Matthew Shepard 10 years ago. But despite all the attention and
outrage, the reason Larry died isn't as clear-cut as many people think. California's Supreme Court has just legalized gay marriage.
There are gay characters on
popular TV shows such as "Gossip Girl" and "Ugly Betty," and no one seems to notice. Kids like Larry are so comfortable with the concept of being openly gay that they are coming out younger and younger. One study found that the average age when
kids self-identify as gay has tumbled to 13.4; their parents usually find out a year later.
What you might call "the shrinking
closet" is arguably a major factor in Larry's death. Even as homosexuality has become more accepted, the prospect of being openly gay in middle school raises a troubling set of issues. Kids may want to express who they are,
but they are playing grown-up without fully knowing what that means.
At the same time, teachers
and parents are often uncomfortable dealing with sexual issues in children so young. Schools are caught in between. How do you protect legitimate, personal expression
while preventing inappropriate, sometimes harmful, behavior? Larry King was, admittedly, a problematical test case:
he was a troubled child who
flaunted his sexuality and wielded it like a weapon - it was often his first line of defense.
But his story sheds light
on the difficulty of defining the limits of tolerance. As E. O. Green found, finding that balance presents an enormous challenge.
Larry's life was hard from
the beginning. His biological mother was a drug user; his father wasn't in the picture. When Greg and Dawn King took him in
at age 2, the family was told he wasn't being fed regularly. Early on, a speech impediment made Larry difficult to understand, and he repeated first grade because he had trouble reading. He was a gentle child who loved nature and crocheting, but he also acted out from an early age.
"We couldn't take him to the
grocery store without him shoplifting," Greg says. "We couldn't get him to clean up his room. We sent him upstairs - he'd
get a screwdriver and poke holes in the walls." He was prescribed ADHD medication, and Greg says Larry was diagnosed with
reactive attachment disorder, a rare condition in which children never fully bond with their caregivers or parents.
Kids started whispering about
Larry when he was in third grade at Hathaway Elementary School. "In a school of 700 students, you'd know Larry," says Sarah
Ranjbar, one of Larry's principals. "He was slightly effeminate but very sure of his personality." Finally, his best friend, Averi Laskey, pulled him aside one day at the end of class. "I said, 'Larry, are you gay?' He
said, 'Yeah, why?' "
He was 10. Averi remembers
telling Larry she didn't care either way, but Larry started telling other students, and they did. They called him slurs and avoided him at recess. One Halloween, someone threw a smoke bomb into his house, almost killing the family's Jack Russell terrier.
In the sixth grade, a girl
started a "Burn Book" - an allusion to a book in the movie "Mean Girls," where bullies scribble nasty rumors about the people
they hate - about Larry. The Larry book talked about how he was gay and falsely asserted that he dressed in Goth and drag. And it ended with a threat: "I hate Larry King. I wish he was dead," according to one parent's memory of the book.
"The principal called my wife
on the phone and she was crying," Greg says. "She found the book, and said we needed to do something to help protect Larry." His parents transferred him to another elementary school, hoping he could get a fresh start before he started junior high.
E. O. Green is a white slab
of concrete in a neighborhood of pink and yellow homes. In the afternoons, SUVs roll down the street like gumballs, the sound
of hip-hop music thumping. Once the students leave the campus, two blue gates seal it shut, and teachers are told not to return
to school after dark, because of gang violence. Outside, there's a worn blue sign that greets visitors: this was a California
distinguished school in 1994. The school is under a different administration now.
E. O. Green was a comfortable place for Larry when he arrived as a seventh grader. He hung out with a group of girls who, unlike in elementary school,
didn't judge him. But that didn't mean he was entirely accepted. In gym class, some of his friends say that the boys would shove him around in the locker room. After he started dressing
up, he was ridiculed even more.
He lost a high heel once and
the boys tossed it around at lunch like a football. "Random people would come up to him and start laughing," Moreno says.
"I thought that was very rude." One day, in science class, he was singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" to himself. Kids nearby
taunted him for being gay. "He said to me, 'It's OK'," says Vanessa Castillo, a classmate. " 'One day, they'll regret it. One day, I'll be famous'."
Larry's home life wasn't getting
any better. At 12, he was put on probation for vandalizing a tractor with a razor blade, and he entered a counseling program, according to his father. One therapist said Larry might be autistic.
At 14, Larry told Greg he
thought he was bisexual. "It wouldn't matter either way to me," Greg says. "I thought maybe some of the problems would go away if
we supported him." But the therapist told Greg he thought that Larry was just trying to get attention and might not understand what it meant to be gay.
Larry began telling his teachers
that his father was hitting him. Greg says he never harmed Larry; still, the authorities removed Larry from his home in November
2007. He moved to Casa Pacifica, a group home and treatment center in Camarillo, five miles away from Oxnard.
Larry seemed to like Casa
Pacifica - "peaceful home" in Spanish. The 23-acre facility - more like a giant campground, with wooden cottages, a basketball court and a swimming
pool - has 45 beds for crisis kids who need temporary shelter. Every day a driver would take Larry to school, and some weeks he went to nearby Ventura, where he attended
gay youth-group meetings.
"I heard this was the happiest
time of his life," says Vicki Murphy, the center's director of operations. For Christmas, the home gave Larry a $75 gift card
for Target. He spent it on a pair of brown stiletto shoes.
In January, after a few months
at Casa Pacifica, Larry decided to dress like a girl. He went to school accessorized to the max, and his already colorful
personality got louder. He accused a girl to her face of having breast implants. Another girl told him she didn't like his shoes. "I
don't like your necklace," Larry snapped back. Larry called his mom from Casa Pacifica to tell her that he wanted to get a
sex-change operation. And he told a teacher that he wanted to be called Leticia, since no one at school knew he was half African-American.
The teacher said firmly, "Larry, I'm not calling you Leticia." He dropped the idea without an argument.
The staff at E. O. Green was
clearly struggling with the Larry situation - how to balance his right to self-expression while preventing it from disrupting others. Legally, they couldn't stop him from wearing girls'
clothes, according to the California Attorney General's Office, because of a state hate-crime law that prevents gender discrimination.
Larry, being Larry, pushed
his rights as far as he could. During lunch, he'd sidle up to the popular boys' table and say in a high-pitched voice, "Mind
if I sit here?" In the locker room, where he was often ridiculed, he got even by telling the boys, "You look hot," while they
were changing, according to the mother of a student.
Larry was eventually moved
out of the P.E. class, though the school didn't seem to know the extent to which he was clashing with other boys. One teacher
describes the gym transfer as more of a "preventative measure," since Larry complained that one student wouldn't stop looking
at him. In other classes, teachers were baffled that Larry was allowed to draw so much attention to himself. "All the teachers
were complaining, because it was disruptive," says one of them. "Dress code is a huge issue at our school. We fight [over]
it every day."
Some teachers thought Larry was clearly in violation of the code, which prevents students from wearing articles of clothing considered distracting. When Larry wore lipstick and eyeliner to school for the first time, a teacher told him to wash it off, and he did. But the
next day, he was back wearing even more. Larry told the teacher he could wear makeup if he wanted to. He said that Ms. Epstein
told him that was his right.
Joy Epstein was one of the
school's three assistant principals, and as Larry became less inhibited, Epstein became more a source of some teachers' confusion and anger. Epstein, a calm, brown-haired woman with bifocals, was openly gay to her colleagues, and although she was generally not out to her students,
she kept a picture of her partner on her desk that some students saw. While her job was to oversee the seventh graders, she
formed a special bond with Larry, who was in the eighth grade.
He dropped by her office regularly,
either for counseling or just to talk - she won't say exactly. "There was no reason why I specifically started working with Larry," Epstein says.
"He came to me." Some teachers believe that she was encouraging Larry's flamboyance, to help further an "agenda," as some put it. One teacher complains that by being openly gay and discussing
her girlfriend (presumably, no one would have complained if she had talked about a husband),
Epstein brought the subject of sex into school.
Epstein won't elaborate on
what exactly she said to Larry because she expects to be called to testify at Brandon's trial, but it's certain to become one of the key issues. William Quest, Brandon's public
defender, hasn't disclosed his defense strategy, but he has accused the school of failing to intercede as the tension rose between Larry and Brandon. Quest calls Epstein "a lesbian vice principal with a political
agenda."
Larry's father also blames Epstein. He's hired an attorney and says he is seriously contemplating a wrongful-death lawsuit. "She started to confuse her role as a junior-high principal," Greg King says. "I think that she was asserting her beliefs for gay rights." In a tragedy such as this, the natural impulse is to try to understand why it happened and to look for someone to blame. Epstein won't discuss the case in detail and, until she testifies in court, it's impossible to know what role - if any -
she played in the events leading to Larry's death.
Whatever Epstein said to Larry,
it's clear that his coming out proved to be a fraught process, as it can often be. For tweens, talking about being gay isn't
really about sex. They may be aware of their own sexual attraction by the time they're 10, according to Caitlin Ryan, a researcher at San Francisco State University,
but those feelings are too vague and unfamiliar to be their primary motivation. (In fact, Larry told a teacher that he'd never kissed anyone, male or female.)
These kids are actually concerned with exploring their identity. "When you're a baby, you cry when you're hungry because you don't know the word for it," says
Allan Acevedo, 19, of San Diego, who came out when he was in eighth grade. "Part of the reason why people are coming out earlier
is they have the word 'gay,' and they know it explains the feeling."
Like older teenagers, tweens
tend to tell their friends first, because they think they'll be more accepting. But kids that age often aren't equipped to deal with highly personal information, and middle-school staffs are almost never
trained in handling kids who question their sexuality. More than 3,600 high schools sponsor gay-straight alliances designed
to foster acceptance of gay students, but only 110 middle schools have them.
Often the entire school finds
out before either the student or the faculty is prepared for the attention and the backlash. "My name became a punch line
very fast," says Grady Keefe, 19, of Branford, Conn., who came out in the eighth grade. "The guidance counselors told me I
should not have come out because I was being hurt."
The staff at E. O. Green tried
to help as Larry experimented with his identity, but he liked to talk in a roar. One teacher asked him why he taunted the
boys in the halls, and Larry replied, "It's fun to watch them squirm." But Brandon McInerney was different. Larry really liked
Brandon. One student remembered that Larry would often walk up close to Brandon and stare at him.
Larry had studied Brandon
so well, he once knew when he had a scratch on his arm - Larry even claimed that he had given it to Brandon by mistake, when
the two were together. Larry told one of his close friends that he and Brandon had dated but had broken up. He also said that he'd threatened to tell the entire school about them, if Brandon wasn't nicer to him.
Quest, Brandon's
defense attorney, says there was no relationship between Larry and Brandon, and one of Larry's teachers says that Larry was
probably lying to get attention.
Like Larry, Brandon had his
share of troubles. His parents, Kendra and Bill McInerney, had a difficult, tempestuous relationship. In 1993, Kendra alleged
that Bill pointed a .45 handgun at her during a drunken evening and shot her in the arm, according to court records. She and
Bill split in 2000, when Brandon was 6.
One September morning, a fight
broke out after Kendra accused her husband of stealing the ADHD medication prescribed to one of her older sons from her first
marriage. Bill "grabbed Kendra by the hair," and "began choking her until she was almost unconscious," according to Kendra's
version of the events filed in court documents. He pleaded no contest to corporal injury to a spouse and was sentenced to
10 days in jail.
In a December 2001 court filing
for a restraining order against Kendra, he claimed that she had turned her home into a "drug house." "I was very functional,"
Kendra later explained to a local newspaper, in a story about meth addiction. By 2004, she had entered a rehab program, and Brandon went to live with his father. But he spent years caught in the middle
of a war.
While his life did seem to
become more routine living with his dad, Brandon's troubles resurfaced in the eighth grade. His father was working in a town
more than 60 miles away, and he was alone a lot. He began hanging out with a group of misfits on the beach. Although he was smart, he didn't seem to have much interest
in school.
Except for Hitler - Brandon
knew all about the Nuremberg trials and all the names of Hitler's deputies. (When other
kids asked him how he knew so much, he replied casually, "Don't you watch the History Channel?" Brandon's father says his
son was interested in World War II, but not inappropriately.) By the end of the first semester, as his overall
GPA tumbled from a 3.3 to a 1.9, he was kicked out of his English honors class for not doing his work and causing disruptions.
He was transferred to Boldrin's English class, where he joined Larry.
Larry's grades were also dropping
- he went from having a 1.71 GPA in November to a 1.0 in February, his father says. But he was too busy reveling in the spotlight
to care. "He was like Britney Spears," says one teacher who knew Larry. "Everyone wanted to know what's the next thing he's
going to do."
Girls would take photos of
him on their camera phones and discuss him with their friends. "My class was in a frenzy every day with Larry stories," says
a humanities teacher who didn't have Larry as one of her students. He wore a Playboy-bunny necklace, which one of his teachers
told him to remove because it was offensive to women. But those brown Target stilettos wobbled on.
The commotion over Larry's
appearance finally forced the school office to take formal action. On Jan. 29, every teacher received an e-mail with the subject
line STUDENT RIGHTS. It was written by Sue Parsons, the eighth-grade assistant principal. "We have a student on campus who
has chosen to express his sexuality by wearing make-up," the e-mail said without mentioning Larry by name. "It is his right
to do so. Some kids are finding it amusing, others are bothered by it. As long as it does not cause classroom disruptions
he is within his rights. We are asking that you talk to your students about being civil and non-judgmental. They don't have
to like it but they need to give him his space. We are also asking you to watch for possible problems. If you wish to talk further about it please
see me or Ms. Epstein."
Jerry Dannenberg, the superintendent,
says the front office received no complaints about Larry, but according to several faculty members, at least two teachers
tried to formally protest what was going on. The first was the same teacher who told Larry to scrub the makeup off his face.
She was approached by several boys in her class who said that Larry had started taunting them in the halls - "I know you want
me," he'd say - and their friends were calling them gay.
The teacher told some of her
colleagues that when she went to the office to file a complaint, Epstein said she would take it. "It's about Larry," the teacher
said. "There's nothing we can do about that," Epstein replied. (Epstein denies she was
ever approached.) A few days later another teacher claims to have gone to the school principal, Joel Lovstedt.
The teacher says she told
him that she was concerned about Larry and she thought he was a danger to himself - she worried that he might fall in his three-inch stilettos and injure himself. Lovstedt told
the teacher that he had directions, though he wouldn't say from where, that they couldn't intervene with Larry's sexual expression.
(Lovstedt denied NEWSWEEK's request for an interview.)
There was an unusual student
complaint, too. Larry's younger brother, Rocky, 12, also attended E. O. Green, and the kids started picking on him the day
in January when Larry showed up in hot pink knee-length boots. Rocky says he went to several school officials for help, including
Epstein. "I went up to her at lunchtime," he says. "I said, 'Ms. Epstein, can you stop Larry from dressing like a girl? The
kids are saying since Larry is gay, I must be gay, too, because I'm his brother'."
As you talk to the teachers,
many of them say they tried to support Larry, but they didn't always know how. In blue-collar, immigrant Oxnard, there is no gay community to speak of and generally
very little public discussion of gay issues, at least until Larry's murder happened. One teacher was very protective of Larry, his English teacher, Mrs. Boldrin.
To help Larry feel better
about moving to Casa Pacifica, she brought Larry a present: a green evening dress that once belonged to her own daughter.
Before school started, Larry ran to the bathroom to try it on. Then he showed it to some of his friends, telling them that
he was going to wear it at graduation.
And then there was Valentine's
Day. A day or two before the shooting, the school was buzzing with the story about a game Larry was playing with a group of
his girlfriends in the outdoor quad. The idea was, you had to go up to your crush and ask them to be your Valentine. Several
girls named boys they liked, then marched off to complete the mission.
When it was Larry's turn,
he named Brandon, who happened to be playing basketball nearby. Larry walked right on to the court in the middle of the game
and asked Brandon to be his Valentine. Brandon's friends were there and started joking that he and Larry were going to make
"gay babies" together. At the end of lunch, Brandon passed by one of Larry's friends in the hall. She says he told her to
say goodbye to Larry, because she would never see him again.
The friend didn't tell Larry
about the threat - she thought Brandon was just kidding. There are many rumors of another confrontation between Larry and Brandon, on Feb.
11, the day before the shooting. Several students and teachers said they had heard about a fight between the two but they
hadn't actually witnessed it themselves. The next morning a counselor at Casa Pacifica asked Larry what was wrong, and he said, vaguely, "I've had enough."
When he got to school, his
friends quizzed him about his noticeably unfabulous appearance. He said that he ran out of makeup and hair gel (which wasn't true) and that he had a blister on his ankle (this
was true - he'd just bought a new pair of boots). Larry walked alongside Boldrin to the computer class and
sat in front of a computer. A few minutes later, a counselor summoned him to her office. She told him that his grades were so low, he was at risk of not graduating from the eighth grade.
He went back to his computer. He had written his name on
his paper as Leticia King. Most of the campus heard the gunshots. Some described it like a door slammed shut very hard.
On March 7, the school held
a memorial service for Larry. Epstein stood at the podium with students who read from notecards about what they liked best
about Larry:
he was nice, he was unique,
he was brave.
The band played "Amazing Grace,"
and two dozen doves were released into the sky. Averi read a poem about how her friend was like a garden seed that grew, and
died; Larry's mom wept in the front row. Deep in the audience, an eighth grader turned to one of Brandon's friends and whispered,
"That's so gay."
The obvious question now is
whether Larry's death could have been prevented. "Absolutely," says Dannenberg. "Why do we have youngsters that have access
to guns? Why don't we have adequate funding to pay for social workers at the school to make sure students have resources?
We have societal issues."
Many teachers and parents
aren't content with that answer. For them, the issue isn't whether Larry was gay or straight - his father still isn't convinced
his son was gay - but whether he was allowed to push the boundaries so far that he put himself and others in danger.
They're not blaming Larry
for his own death - as if anything could justify his murder - but their attitude toward his assailant is not unsympathetic.
"We failed Brandon," a teacher says. "We didn't know the bullying was coming from the other side - Larry was pushing as hard as he could,
because he liked the attention."
Greg King doesn't feel sympathy for Brandon, but he does believe his son sexually harassed him. He's resentful that the gay community has appropriated his son's murder as part of a larger cause. "I think the gay-rights people want it to be a gay-rights issue, because it makes a poster child out of my son," King says. "That
bothered me. I'm not anti-gay. I have a lot of co-workers and friends who are gay."
That anger was made worse when he heard this summer that Epstein would be promoted to principal of an elementary
school. "This is a slap in the face of my family," Greg says. Many teachers wonder if the district moved her because she had
become a lightning rod for criticism after Larry's death. Dannenberg, the superintendent, says that she was the most qualified
person for the new principal job.
The school has conducted its
own investigation, though its lawyer won't make it public. But it will likely be brought up when Brandon goes to trial. He
is charged with first-degree murder and a hate crime, and is scheduled to be arraigned this week. Hundreds of his classmates have signed a petition asking that he be tried in
juvenile court. The district attorney wants him tried as an adult, which could result in a prison sentence of 51 years to
life.
"Brandon was being terrorized,"
says Bill, who has set up a public defense fund in his son's name. "He was being stalked almost, to the degree of the
school should have never let this happen." What happened to Larry and Brandon was certainly extreme, but it has implications
for schools across the country. "If we're going to be absolutely sure this isn't going to happen again," says Elaine Garber,
81, who has served on the school's board for 48 years, "this has got to be discussed some more."
As if anyone has stopped talking
- and arguing - about Larry King. He had an entire page devoted to him in the E. O. Green yearbook. On
the Internet, he's become a gay martyr, and this year's National Day of Silence, an annual event created to raise awareness of homophobia, was dedicated to Larry.
And in Averi Laskey's
bedroom, she still keeps a handmade purple get-well card she made for Larry on the day after he was shot. At the time,
there was still hope he would pull through. He had survived the night, which the doctors said was a good sign. Averi rounded up dozens of teachers
and friends between classes to sign messages of encouragement.
"Larry, I miss
you. Get better," Boldrin wrote in blue ink. "Keep up your spirit. A lot of people are rooting for you to get better,"
the principal wrote.
Some of Larry's
classmates apologized for how he had been treated. A few even left their phone numbers, so he could call them if he ever needed to talk to someone. But when Averi got home that day, she learned that Larry had suffered a fatal stroke. Larry was
pronounced brain-dead that afternoon, and the family decided to donate his organs.
The following
day, Feb. 14, doctors harvested his pancreas, liver, lungs and the most important organ of all, which now beats inside the
chest of a 10-year-old girl. On Valentine's Day, Larry King gave away his heart, but not in the way he thought he would.
In the five months NEWSWEEK spent examining Larry King's death, we spoke with several dozen people,
including faculty, students and parents. All students named were interviewed with their parents' permission. Some of our sources
would speak only anonymously; the school's staff was instructed not to speak to the media because of the criminal
proceedings and the possibility of civil litigation. While they agreed to be interviewed on the record, Jerry Dannenberg,
the district superintendent, and Joy Epstein, E. O. Green's former assistant principal, were limited in what they
could say for the same reasons.
With Andrew Murr and Jennifer Ordoñez
source site: click here
|
 |
|
How To Tell Sadness From Depression
By Dave Turo-Shields, ACSW, LCSW
You have and will experience sadness.
It might be the loss of a job, pet or a loved one. Yes, even a loved one. The trouble is, particularly here in the United
States, we have a quick-fix for everything... why not sadness too?
Our quick-fix for sadness is that it's simply
not allowed. Healthy purging of sad feelings is great for you physically and wonderful for your mental health. When you stuff the expression of healthy sadness it may lead to health problems, interpersonal issues and depression.
So, the first lesson is FEEL your sadness over whatever issue is at hand. It doesn't make you weak or less a man or woman to do so. Yes, I have
to say "woman" today too, because women have also begun to place the same negative meaning on expressing feelings of sadness; so they hold back too.
There are Five Basic Stages you will go through with a significant change or loss in your life. They are:
- Shock/Denial
- Anger
- Asking
"What if..." questions or making "If only" statements.
- Sadness
- Acceptance
Please keep in mind several points about the five statements
made above. First, each one is NORMAL! You may cycle through the steps several times and may not do so in the order listed
above.
The only time these steps become a problem
is when you become stuck at a particular step. Here's an example.
I
met a woman about a year ago. She'd been married over 25 years. She and her husband were
planning on traveling after he retired. He died within a year of retirement from cancer. She came to see me three years after
his death.
She had become stuck at step 3 above.
She questioned, over and over again, whether she had done everything she could for him and all their family during those last
days before his death. After about a year of ruminating minute - by - minute, she became quite seriously depressed. Then later, she was referred to me by her physician.
We worked
through her questions from step 3. She then went through a normal period of being angry over the loss of her husband and how that had changed her life and retirement plans. She felt appropriately
sad about the loss of her best friend.
She's not
terribly happy about working, but she's been working full-time now for about six months. She is hoping
to begin dating. She's insecure about it. "It's been so long since I've dated!" She quips. But, she is on her way to a new life and her level of acceptance is growing each day.
Other times depression may set in from a traumatic event, or a series of negative life events that overlap and overwhelm your usual ability to cope. If this is you, you are often bewildered as to why you can't simply shake out of it as you normally would.
Or if it was a trauma event, you will often find that simple security issues (e.g., walking out into a dark parking lot at night after shopping)
will trigger panic and later deep depression. Sudden trauma threatens your sense of general safety in the world at large.
If you are wondering if
you have Major Depression here are some guidelines to help you to the correct answer. For the best possible solution please seek professional evaluation.
I offer professional consultation for individuals through email, making this step easy and convenient.
MAJOR DEPRESSION SYMPTOMS:
- Depressed
mood nearly every day.
- Diminished
interest in regular activities.
- Significant
weight loss or weight gain.
- Sleeping
difficulties.
- A
feeling of being "slowed down."
- Fatigue
and energy loss nearly every day.
- Feeling worthless or excessive and inappropriate guilt.
- Difficulty
in staying on task or making decisions.
- Frequent
thoughts of death, including but not limited to suicidal thoughts.
Having a few of these symptoms does not necessarily qualify your for the diagnosis
of Major Depression. You need to have at least five symptoms consistently over a two-week period of time or longer.
If you decide you have Major Depression please confirm this with a depression screen which
you may find on my website at http://www.overcoming-depression.com/depression-symptom. html
Additionally, please consult your
family doctor and a trained professional who specializes in depressive disorders. A family doctor can assist in ruling out
a possible medical condition and a therapist knows how to assist you in digging yourself out of that deep depression rut.
Permission granted per the inclusion
of the following:
Title:
HOW TO TELL SADNESS FROM DEPRESSION
Author: Dave Turo-Shields, ACSW, LCSW
E-mail: mailto:editor@overcoming-depression.com
Copyright: by Dave Turo-Shields, ACSW, LCSW
Web Address: http://www.Overcoming-Depression.com
Word Count: 740
Category: Mental Health
Sad Dads May Lead to Crying Infants
By Steven Reinberg
HealthDay
Reporter by
Steven Reinberg
healthday Reporter – 1 hr 33 mins ago
TUESDAY, June 30 (HealthDay News) -- Don't automatically
blame mom: A crying, colicky baby can be just as much the result of dad's state of mind, Dutch
researchers report.
Other studies have found that depression among mothers can be
related to excessive crying or colic, a common problem with newborns, but the researchers said that little was known about
whether fathers' emotions and behavior also have an effect.
"Up to now, almost all attention went to the prenatal effects
of maternal depression on child development, leading to the development of
detection and treatment programs that focused on mental well-being of mothers," said lead researcher Dr. Mijke P. van den Berg, a psychiatrist at the Erasmus
Medical Center in Rotterdam.
"This study showed the importance of taking paternal factors
and well-being during pregnancy
into account, next to maternal," she said.
The report is published in the July issue of Pediatrics.
To see how parental depression was related to excessive crying,
van den Berg's team gathered data on symptoms of depression among parents of 4,426 infants
who were 2 months old. Excessive crying was defined as crying for more than three hours a day on more than three days in the
past week.
Overall, just 2.5 percent of the infants in the study fit the
excessive crying criteria. But, the researchers found a 30 percent higher risk for depression among parents whose infant cried
excessively.
"This finding could not be attributed to co-existing depressive symptoms of the mother, which is already known to be a risk
factor for excessive infant crying," van den Berg said. It could
be related to genetics, a depressed father or, indirectly, through factors such as marital, family or economic stress, she
said.
In fact, a dad with symptoms of depression was twice as likely
to have an infant who cried excessively as was a dad who was not depressed, the study found.
"Fathers do matter, so take care for the mental well-being of
fathers during pregnancy," van den Berg said.
Dr. Jon Shaw, a professor and director of child and adolescent psychiatry at the University of Miami
Miller of School of Medicine, said that the study shows how depression
can lead to infant's excessive crying.
"This study demonstrates in a paradoxical way the importance
of fathers, in that fathers' measurable depression during pregnancy is a risk factor
for excessive infant crying at 2 months of age," Shaw said.
"This seems to be related perhaps to the enduring effects of
fathers' depression on the family ambience, the parental relationship, child parenting and, perhaps as the authors suggest,
there may be a genetic factor involved," he said.
More information
The U.S. National Institute of Mental Health has more on depression
source site: click here
We all feel sad
sometimes. Sadness
is a normal emotion that can make life more interesting. Much art and poetry is inspired by sadness
and melancholy. Sadness almost
always accompanies loss. When we say goodbye to a loved one we usually feel sad. The sadness is even deeper if a close relationship has ended or a loved
one has died.
Sadness also helps us appreciate happiness. When our mood eventually changes from sadness toward happiness the sense of contrast adds to the enjoyment of the mood.
Here are some ways to experience normal sadness in a healthy way and
to allow this emotion to enrich your life:
- Allow yourself to be sad. Denying
such feelings may force them underground, where they can do more damage with time. Cry if you feel like it.
Notice if you feel relief after the tears stop.
Get help if you experience more than a couple of the following symptoms
of depression:
- Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
- Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
- Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
- Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
- Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
- Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
- Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
- Restlessness, irritability
- Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders and chronic pain.
Depression: Recognizing the Emotional Symptoms
Common symptoms of depression can make work and daily life almost
impossible. Depression can skew your view of the world, making everything seem hopeless. Depression can make you feel utterly
alone.
But you're not. Major depression affects about 14 million American
adults or about 6.7% of the population 18 or older in any given year. And the good news is a lot of treatments work
to reduce depression symptoms, and some experts claim depression can be "cured" as well. This guide will help you recognize
the symptoms of depression and learn how to treat them.
You may already know some of the emotional and psychological
effects of depression. They include:
- Feeling sad, empty, hopeless, or numb. These feelings are with
you most of the day, every day.
- Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy. You might no
longer bother with hobbies that you used to love. You might not like being around friends. You might lose interest in sex.
- Irritability or anxiety. You might be short-tempered and find
it hard to relax.
- Trouble making decisions. Depression can make it hard to think
clearly or concentrate. Making a simple choice can seem overwhelming.
- Feeling guilty or worthless. These feelings are often exaggerated
or inappropriate to the situation. You might feel guilty for things that aren't your fault or that you have no control over.
Or you may feel intense guilt for minor mistakes.
- Thoughts of death and suicide. The types of thoughts
vary. Some people wish that they were dead, feeling that the world would be better off without them. Others make very explicit
plans to hurt themselves.
source site: WebMd
A Book Full of Sadness: Get to know this emotion.
What better way than reading a book full of sadness?
A Newsweek Online Book Review
Mild sadness provokes depressive thinking in some recovered patients
Some individuals with a history of depression may sink back into thinking patterns associated with the condition when faced with mild stresses or sadness, increasing their risk for relapse, according to a report in the July issue
of Archives of General Psychiatry, one of the JAMA/Archives journals.
Many patients who recover from depression eventually relapse, according to background information in the article. Management of depression usually focuses on alleviating symptoms rather than reducing the risk for recurrence or identifying patients who might relapse
after successful treatment.
Previous studies have found that some patients who have recovered from depression still show cognitive processes - patterns in thinking, learning and memory - commonly associated with the condition, while others in remission do not. Such cognitive processes
include certain ways of explaining events or particular assumptions about self-worth.
Zindel V. Segal, Ph.D., University of Toronto and Centre for Addiction
and Mental Health, Ontario, and colleagues randomly assigned 301 patients with major depressive disorder to receive either antidepressant medications or cognitive behavioral therapy (a
kind of psychotherapy designed to modify the cognitive processes that are typically associated with depression).
Ninety-nine of those whose depression went into remission participated in a second phase of the trial. These 99 participants rated their current mood on a visual
scale from sad to happy and underwent an assessment of their dysfunctional attitudes, signs
of the cognitive processes that are associated with depression.
The researchers then provoked a sad mood
by asking participants to listen to a piece of music and try to recall a time in their lives when they felt sad. After this exercise, the participants rated their mood and underwent the dysfunctional attitude assessment
a second time and were observed bimonthly for the next 18 months.
78 patients completed the full 18 months of follow-up; 47.5% of those
who had recovered through antidepressant medication use and 39% of those who received cognitive behavioral therapy relapsed
during that time period.
Regardless of the type of treatment, those who had greater cognitive
reactivity - that is, they displayed significantly more dysfunctional beliefs after the sad mood provocation than before it - were more likely to relapse during the
18-month follow-up.
This association held true even when researchers considered the number
of past episodes of depression each patient had experienced, previously the best known way to predict relapse. In addition, those who took antidepressants
were more likely to have greater cognitive reactivity than those in the cognitive behavioral therapy group.
"Our study indicates that even a mild negative mood, when experienced by someone with a history of depression, can reinstate some of the cognitive features observed in depression itself," the authors write. "The presence of such reactivity in recovered patients signals a residual but heightened risk for episode relapse that has not been fully addressed by treatment."
Future depression management approaches might aim to help prevent relapse by teaching patients to reflect on the factors that influence their thinking, the authors suggest.
"Such treatments may include components that first help patients
deliberately monitor and observe their thinking patterns when they feel sad, and then help patients respond to
these thoughts and feelings in a way that allows them to inhibit the cognitive elaboration of their content," they write.
source site: click here
|
|
|
|
|
Sadness: a natural antidote
Depression is at record levels, but is the condition being misdiagnosed? A book
argues that many people are just sad and it’s natural
Coming to terms with anger
By Charlie Badenhop
1. Experience
Do you ever find yourself stuck in a rut of anger, wishing you understood a bit more about anger management?
Recently I worked with a client who
stated she had a lot of unresolved anger. When I asked her what she meant, she said she often blew up at people, even when she knew expressing anger was not the best response. She quickly named several scenarios when this had recently happened. She talked about situations
at work, with her husband, and with her children. In the process of telling me about her anger I could see that she was getting rather upset.
As I almost
always do, I asked her at some point to slow down, take several deep breaths, and notice the physical sensations
taking place in her body, as well as noticing me sitting in front of her, and the totality of the surroundings in my office.
At first she seemed uncomfortable slowing down, and then after just a minute or two I felt that I noticed her emotional state change.
Looking at her softly and matching my breathing
to hers, I asked her what she was feeling "at this very moment." She said she was sad that she was not able to make better relationships with those she really cared about.
"So" I suggested, "Please correct me if you do not fully agree, but are
you noticing now as you slow down, that in this instance your anger has changed to sadness?"
As I spoke these words I also gave
her an agreed upon hand signal to signify that she take a deep breath prior to talking. She took a breath, paused, and said
"I often feel very separate from those I want to feel close to, and this makes me feel sad,
and it also makes me feel very lonely and isolated."
"So" I once again suggested, "Are you feeling your sense of sadness leads you to feel lonely and isolated?" She looked at me as her eyes began to moisten and said "Yes, I feel like people don't really understand my feelings. I feel misunderstood and even that I am unimportant to others."
I took a moment
or two to breathe with her as I slowly nodded my head, and I gently said, "At times your anger leads you to feel your sadness, and your sadness
leads you to feel your loneliness and isolation, which leads you to feel misunderstood and unimportant to others."
She wept some and
said, "Yes, I can now really feel my loneliness and that others do not really care about me."
"Are you still feeling angry?" I asked.
"No." she said, "I am only feeling sadness and loneliness."
We sat there for a couple of minutes as we breathed
together and both of us felt our full range of feelings.
At some point she looked at me and said, "It's
strange, but somehow slowing down and feeling my sadness and loneliness, somehow feels comforting. I think that normally, these are feelings that I try and stop myself from feeling."
"Yes." I said, "When we stop ourselves from experiencing a certain range of feelings, what usually happens is we get trapped in a seemingly opposite emotional state that is counterproductive."
"It is not so much that your anger is the opposite of your sadness, it is more so that your sadness is connected to your anger."
In Seishindo there are two models we
often use to understand emotions.
In our first model we believe that any one emotion often exists as part of a larger cycle/circle of emotions.
Think of an old-fashioned vinyl record made up of four separate but related pieces of
music. One piece segues into the next, and it is only in listening to the full recording that you can truly appreciate the work of the composer. If say at the end of the first piece of music there is a deep scratch in the record and the needle
jumps back to the beginning.
It would not take you long to become tired of listening, and you might even become annoyed at the repetition. This would tend to be especially so if the scratch existed just prior to the first piece of music being
complete.
This is very much
like what happens when we become stuck in compulsively expressing one segment of our full emotional range,
at the expense of making good relationships and maintaining our overall sense of emotional well-being.
At such times, instead of feeling the full cycle of our emotions, we keep on bumping ourselves back to the beginning of a single emotion. We thus lose the benefit of fully feeling and expressing our complete range of emotions. This is very often the case with people who tend to get angry easily.
If we were more aware of our emotional state we would recognize that our anger does not exist "by itself." We fuel and maintain our anger by bumping ourselves back to only a limited range of our memories and emotions. The more we feel "only anger" the angrier we become.
On the other hand, when we can sense
our anger is accompanied and organized in coordination with other emotions, we can feel all of what is driving our behavior, and it is this full range of expression that assists us in feeling complete and relieved in the process.
In our second model for understanding emotions, we believe the emotion that presents itself most strongly, is often covering up one or several other emotions.
How might you react as an adult, if you were
taught as a child that anger was a totally unacceptable emotion to feel? Perhaps you would learn to smile and become sugary sweet, no matter how upset you felt underneath.
What might happen if you began to have a crush on a playmate
at the tender age of twelve and your father gave you a harsh lecture about the dangers of intimacy, and how sex was only meant for the purpose of procreation?
Perhaps you
would feel that it was unsafe to ever express your love and physical desire to another, and thus every time you were beginning to feel love, you would harshly criticize yourself and the person you were attracted to.
Can you imagine how confusing your life might be if you were somehow always afraid to express what you felt, and thus attempted to cover up what you were feeling?
In our work in Seishindo, we often encourage our clients to ask themselves the following questions:
"What
other emotions might exist to support or round out the one I am expressing now?"
"What emotions do I believe might be getting covered over or neglected by the emotion I am expressing now?"
"What is the one emotion I am the most likely to not feel, when I am feeling like I am now?"
"What might I be feeling if I was not feeling like I am now?"
Whenever you find yourself getting
stuck in any one emotional state, we suggest that you breathe deeply and ask yourself the questions above.
Author's Bio: Charlie
Badenhop is a fourth degree black belt in Aikido, and a certified instructor in Japan. He is a practitioner of the Japanese
healing art of sei tai, and a Certified Trainer in NLP and Ericksonian Hypnosis. He has been studying and teaching in Japan
for the last eighteen years and has students throughout the world. He lives in Tokyo with his wife and daughter and is the
founder of Seishindo. Benefit from his thought-provoking ideas and a new self-help Practice every two weeks, by subscribing
to his complimentary newsletter "Pure Heart, Simple Mind" at http://www.seishindo.org. While on the site, don't miss Charlie's free video on Anger Management
at http://www.seishindo.org/anger/anger-management-video.html
Sadness lives in The Arts as well. Get familiar
with it. Read about it. Feel it. Sit with the concept for a while. Sit and reflect inward.
Reliving Her Past
Amy Tan's 2001 novel "The Bonesetter's Daughter" was so full of tragedy and emotion, it's no
wonder it's become an opera.
Children of incarcerated mothers exhibit poor attachment to caregivers, mothers
Children of imprisoned mothers
generally have insecure relationships with their mothers and caregivers, according to a new study published in the May/June issue of the journal
Child Development. However, the children were more likely to have secure relationships with their caregivers if they were living in a stable environment.
The study, conducted by researchers
from the University of Wisconsin, assessed how children thought and felt about their close relationships and family experiences in 54 children ranging from 2 to 7 years old whose mothers were imprisoned. Most of
the children lived with their grandparents. The researchers interviewed the incarcerated mothers, their children and the children's
caregivers.
The goal was to examine family
experiences associated with children's positive relationships despite the risks associated with maternal incarceration, as well as to examine children's emotional reactions to separating
from their mothers during imprisonment, and how those reactions related to children's attachment relationships.
The study is important, notes
author Julie Poehlmann, PhD, assistant professor of Human Development and Family Studies at the University of Wisconsin at
Madison, because children of imprisoned mothers, a growing but understudied group, experience significant disruptions in their
care. Over 1.3 million children in the U.S., most under 10 years old, have mothers under correctional supervision.
"Lengthy parent-child separations
and changes in children's living arrangements often occur when mothers go to prison," noted Dr. Pohlmann. While several recent
journal articles have suggested that such disruptions would make it quite difficult for children to develop healthy attachment relationships, this is the first study to empirically investigate the quality of such relationships.
The researchers found that
63% of the children had insecure relationships with their mothers and caregivers. The more secure the children's care giving relationships, however, the more likely the children were to react to the separation from their
mother with sadness rather than anger.
Overall, researchers found,
children's reactions to the separation from their mothers typically included sadness, worry,
confusion, anger, loneliness, fear, sleep problems, and developmental regressions.
"These findings add to the
growing literature linking disruptive family relationship experiences with problematic attachment relationships," said Dr. Poehlmann. "They also suggest processes associated with potential resilience in children of incarcerated mothers, and highlight the complex needs for support in families affected by maternal imprisonment, especially efforts to promote stable, continuous placements for children. The study also underscores the importance of longitudinal research with this growing
but understudied group."
source site: click here
5 Steps For Transforming Sadness To Hope by Audrey Sussman PhD (c),
LCSW, NBCCH Anxiety Control Center
Has
the thought of summer ending triggered feelings of loss or sadness? You are not alone. At different times of the year the Anxiety Control Center gets inundated with phone calls from people suffering from melancholy, loneliness, sadness or anxiety.
Would you like instantly transform uncomfortable feelings to ones of excitement, hope, calm, security and balance?
It may surprise you to learn that the let down feelings are actually not due to the change of season. It is actually caused by thoughts, pictures and memories that move quickly through the mind. Some people are aware of these thoughts, and others are completely unaware, but just know that they feel "down" or depressed.
For example with the ending of summer, many people who feel let down have thoughts of a cold, dark, lonely winter approaching. Others are sad because they haven’t done all they expected to during the summer. These feelings then trigger other old memories of sadness or disappointment that adds to the negative feelings.
The good news is that there are many ways to quickly change feelings and gain a new perspective. To begin the process of transforming negative feelings to positive ones it’s important to understand how these feelings come about in the first place.
There are two major ways that upset feelings are created:
1) Thinking about upsetting past issues or
2) Thinking about awful things that might happen in the future, and worrying about them as if they have already taken place.
When
a person concentrates on all the possible negative scenarios that might come about, it is understandable that feelings of sadness, fear or insecurity arise.
The first easy method in taking back control of your feelings is to begin to recognize the thoughts underlying them, and then to change them to more enhancing, positive thoughts.
Do
the following:
1.
Think about an event that has been causing sadness, anger or another uncomfortable feeling.
2.
Make a list of each negative thought that you have attached to this event.
3.
Then write down two (possible) positive thoughts, for each negative one you have written down.
For example if you were thinking about a cold, dreary winter, you could make up a more positive picture of an exciting winter activity, like skiing, sledding, or ice-skating, and then another thought of yourself doing something else you enjoy in the winter months, like sitting by a warm fire, or sipping a cup of hot cocoa.
By changing your focus to these new, more positive thoughts, you send a message to your subconscious mind that will begin to change feelings to more positive ones. Since it is your mind you might as well use it in this positive way.
Of course, this is only the start, there are other techniques available to
clear deeply held negative emotions, so that you can recover your zest for life. . For more information, or to register for a free workshop, call the Anxiety Control Center at
856-751-9446, or send an email to anxietycontrolcenter@comcast.net.
Author's Bio
Audrey Sussman, PhD(c), LCSW, LMHC NBCCH, CSL
EDUCATION / LICENSURE
/ CERTIFICATIONS
Degree: MSW, University of Pennsylvania 1985:
Additional Certification in School Social Work
Licensure:
Licensed Clinical Social Worker, N.J. 1985
Aggressive Children Bad, Sad And Rejected, Shows Research:
Youths Feel Alienated By Their Friends, Parents And Schools
ScienceDaily (Nov. 24, 2000)
— Nov. 14, 2000 -- Violent young children are really sad
children, says U of T criminologist Anthony Doob, so criminalizing their behaviour will not solve the problem.
"Aggressive 10- and 11-year-olds
say they feel rejected by their friends, by their school and by their parents," says Doob, who conducted the research at the
university's Centre of Criminology along with colleague Jane Sprott. "Punishing them through the youth justice system risks
adding rejection by society to the list."
Doob and Sprott examined data
about more than 3,400 10- and 11-year-olds from Statistics Canada's National Longitudinal Study of Children and Youth to test
the assumption that aggressive young children generally have high self-esteem. They compared the children's perceptions of
themselves with those held by their parents and their teachers. "These kids often look happy-go-lucky to us," says Doob. "They
strut down the road with their baseball caps on backwards and look as if they're happy. But as soon as we ask anyone who knows
about them, we get quite a different picture of the individual kid."
Doob says that while there
are calls from time to time to criminalize violent acts by young children, a 1999 Department of Justice public opinion poll
indicates the public has little desire for this option. Only 23 per cent of Canadians said they preferred this approach when
given the alternative of having the child dealt with through the child welfare or mental health systems. "It's absolutely
clear they want something done. But when asked to make a choice, the public actually understands that these kids can be dealt with another way," he says. "A 10-year-old who is violent is not just the smaller version of
a 25-year-old who is violent."
This study was funded by Human Resources Development Canada
and the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council. It was published recently in the Canadian Journal of Criminology.
source site: click here
Children Services caseworkers see sad situations
By Josh Sweigart
Staff Writer 11:05 PM Wednesday, April 22, 2009
In 2007, Sabin recalls, a
26-year-old brought a little girl into the world who was born addicted to heroin and methamphetamine.
Children Services case documents
say the baby showed signs of withdrawal, “such as vomiting, being jittery, fussy, having hyper reflexes and thick meconium
(infant stool) at birth.”
The agency placed the little
girl and her 3-year-old sister in foster care. Workers learned the mother was awaiting indictment for a traffic stop where
she and the baby’s father were found buying heroin in Montgomery County.
The mother’s substance
abuse started when she was 14, she told caseworkers. Her mother had died of a drug overdose and her father sold drugs. The
newborn’s father also lost a parent to drug overdose.
The woman told caseworkers
she loved her children, hugged them and kissed them and told them so.
At drug court, she was given
another chance. The county put her in residential drug treatment for four months and helped her with parenting classes. It
enrolled her to get a high school diploma and driver’s license.
“We did all that and
mom still relapsed,” Sabin said.
After doing heroin New Years
Eve, the woman spent eight days in jail for contempt of court. The baby’s father was kicked out of drug court for offering
drugs to another client; he was told to stay away from the baby.
The lure of heroin is strong,
Sabin said. She said the average addict will relapse seven times before coming clean.
The mother was kept in group
drug counseling. She had custody of her older daughter, and they lived with a family member.
In March 2008, Sabin made
an unannounced visit to the home and saw the child’s father there. Sabin’s report said the 3-year-old was “playing
and happy.”
“I know he (the father) was high, because he didn’t even try to hide,” Sabin said.
The next day, the mother wrote
a four-page letter to the courts apologizing for letting the child’s father into her home. She was fighting to be better,
she said.
“My custody of (my daughter) is all I feel I have, she’s my whole world and I would not
put our relationship and progress she’s made in jeopardy,” she wrote.
“It’s not easy
to just shut someone out of your life that you love and I still want to believe my family will be together and my daughter
will have a daddy like I never had.”
She thanks the agency for
its help. “You saved my life,” she wrote.
The agency put her in one-on-one
counseling through The Next Right Thing. This is more expensive, Sabin said, but this was her last hope.
It worked. The mother came
clean, got her children back in December and graduated drug court Jan. 23.
“She needed somebody
to sit down with her and get to the bottom of why she continued to use,” Sabin said. “She said, ‘I’m
so excited, this is the best day of my life.’”
Contact this reporter at (513) 820-2175 or jsweigart@coxohio.com.
Why Am I So Sad?
Feeling down? Got the blues? You're not alone. Everyone gets sad. Yes, everyone you've ever met. Some people have sad feelings just once in a while, and others may have sad feelings pretty often. More than half of teenagers go through a sad period at least once a month
and plenty of younger kids do, too.
When you're in a sad mood, it may feel like it will last forever, but usually feelings of sadness don't last very long - a few hours or maybe a day or two. A deeper, more intense
kind of sadness that lasts a lot longer is called depression (say: dih-preh-shun).
What Is Sadness?
Sadness is a feeling - it's one of the many normal human emotions, or moods, we all have. Sadness is the emotion
people feel when they've lost something important, or when they have been disappointed about something, or when something
sad has happened to them or to someone else. When they're lonely, people often feel sad.
When you're sad, the world may seem dark and unfriendly. You might feel like you have nothing to look forward to. The hurt
deep inside may crush your usually good mood.
Sadness makes you feel like
crying, and sometimes the tears are hard to stop. Crying often makes you feel better.
Sometimes when your mood is sad, you just feel like being alone for a little while. Or you might want someone to comfort you or just keep you company while you go through the sad feeling. Talking about what has made you sad usually helps the sad feeling melt away.
When sadness
starts to go away, it can feel like a heavy blanket is being lifted from your shoulders.
When Is It Natural to Feel Sad?
Feeling sad every once in a while is natural. Maybe you didn't get something you really wanted.
Maybe you miss somebody. Maybe somebody you really like doesn't want to be friends, and you don't feel so great about yourself.
Maybe an illness or condition gets in the way of doing some things you want to do or makes you different from your friends.
There are lots of reasons that people feel sadness.
Most of the time, sadness is because of a loss or separation, a difficult change or disappointment about something, or relationship
problems.
Loss and Separation
This is the most common cause
of sadness. It's a very sad thing to lose someone or something
that you care about. There are many kinds of loss. The death of a relative, friend, or pet can bring weeks or months of sad feelings. The kind of sadness you feel from the death of a loved one has a special name - grief.
Other kinds of loss or separation
from important people can also bring sadness, like people close to you getting a divorce.
Sometimes it is hard to think straight because you cannot get your mind off your loss. Usually, the load of sadness you carry after a loss will lighten over time, although for a really big loss, there may always be a
little bit of sadness left.
Changes that involve leaving
something (or someone) behind, like moving to a new town or changing schools and leaving old friends can make you
feel sad, too. The arrival of a new brother or sister may make you feel sad even though everyone thinks you should be happy to have a new
sibling.
Disappointments like losing a game you hoped to win, getting
a poor grade, or not being invited to a party can cause sadness. Sadness is
a natural reaction to those things. How sad a person feels is usually related to how big
or small the loss or disappointment is.
Relationships
Relationships bring happiness
and fun much of the time. But tension or conflict in important relationships, or relationships that break up, can cause sadness, too. Many kids fight with family members, especially their parents, in the struggle to
grow up and gain independence.
People often feel sad when all is not right between them and their loved ones, or when they get criticized or yelled
at a lot. They fight about things like money, clothing, haircuts, school, and friends. In school, problems with teachers and
grades may cause some sadness as well.
More Stuff That Makes Kids Sad
Other kids, both friends and enemies, can cause hurt feelings and sadness through fighting, teasing, peer pressure, not giving you support, or leaving you out of group activities. Feeling misunderstood by people close to you can lead to feelings of sadness.
Sometimes with sadness, there
are other feelings mixed in, too. When you're sad, you might also feel angry or guilty. You might feel like blaming others or blaming yourself. Some
kids mistakenly think that sad events like death, illness, or divorce are all their fault
- but this isn't true. Kids don't cause these things to happen.
When Is Sadness a Problem?
If a sad feeling goes on for too long, hurts too deeply, and makes it hard for you to enjoy the good things about your life, it's called depression.
Here are some of the signs
and symptoms of depression:
- feeling empty or numb
- feeling hopeless (like there's nothing to look forward to)
- feeling guilty or worthless
- feeling lonely or unloved
- feeling irritable and annoyed a lot (every little thing gets on your nerves)
- feeling like things are not fun anymore
- having trouble keeping your mind on schoolwork or homework
or getting bad grades
- having trouble keeping your mind on things like reading or
watching TV or not remembering what a book or a TV show was about
- having less energy and feeling tired all the time
- sleeping too much or not enough
- not eating enough and weight loss or eating too much and weight
gain
- thinking about death or thinking about suicide
- spending less time with friends and more time alone
- crying a lot, often for no reason
- feeling restless (being
unable to sit still or relax)
- having certain body feelings, like lots of stomachaches, headaches, or chest pain
People who have depression
may not even know it. Often it's a parent or teacher who notices behavior changes like the ones in the list above. Depression
can run in families. Having a parent who gets depressed makes it more likely for a kid to become depressed.
Some kids have depression
after the loss of someone really close, such as a parent; long-lasting problems at home, including violence, illness, divorce,
or alcohol
or drug
use; child abuse
or neglect; rape; and long-term illness, burns, or accidents. But sometimes kids may be depressed for no apparent reason.
Getting Help
Kids, teens, and adults can
get depression. It's very important for people of any age who have depression to get help. When they do, they can get better
quickly. Sometimes treatment involves talking to someone who knows all about depression. Sometimes medications can help depression
heal. Sometimes both of these things are used.
If you think you have depression
or you just have sadness that simply will not go away, it is important to talk to an adult
about it: a parent, relative, doctor, teacher, guidance counselor, coach, or close adult friend. This person can help
you find the right type of treatment. Many cities also have mental health hotlines or suicide hotlines that are listed in
the phone book. There is always somebody to talk to when you are sad
or if you are depressed — somebody who can help.
Reviewed by: David V. Sheslow, PhD
Date reviewed: November 2007
source site: click here
Why do some teens think about suicide?
Thinking about suicide often goes along with stressful
events and feeling sad. Some teens feel so overwhelmed and sad that they think they will never feel better. Some things that
can cause these feelings include:
- death of a loved one
- seeing a lot of anger and violence at home
- having parents get divorced
- having a hard time in school, struggling with grades or having
problems with other teens
- depression
or alcohol or drug problems
- anger or heart-break over a relationship break-up
- feeling like you don't belong, either within the family or
with friends
- feeling left out or alone
Sometimes, teens may feel very sad for no one clear reason.
Every teen feels anxiety and confusion at some point, but it helps to get through tough times by turning to people you trust
and love. If you don't think you have people like this in your life, talk to a school counselor, teacher, doctor, or another
adult who can help you talk about your feelings. There are ways to help teens deal with these intense feelings and work on
feeling better in the future.
How common is the problem of teen suicide?
Suicide is one of the leading causes of death for teens. Girls
try to commit suicide more often than boys. The important thing for you to know is that it doesn't have to happen. It is also
important to know that suicide is not a heroic act, even though sometimes media images can make it seem so. Often, a person
who is thinking about attempting suicide isn't able to see that suicide is never the answer to problems. Remember, there is
always help – as well as support and love – out there for you or a friend.
How can you help a friend?
If you have a friend or friends who have talked
about suicide, take it seriously. The first thing you should do is to tell an adult you trust – right away. You may
wonder if your friend(s) will be mad at you, but telling an adult is the right thing to do. This can be someone in your family,
a coach, a school nurse, counselor, or a teacher. You can call 911 or the toll-free number of a suicide crisis line. You can't
help your friend(s) alone. They will need a good support system, including friends, family, teachers, and professional help.
Suggest that they should talk with a trusted adult. Offer to listen and encourage them to talk about their feelings. Don't
ignore their worries or tell them they will get better on their own. Listening shows that you take your friend(s) and their
problems seriously and that you are there to help. If someone is in danger of hurting himself or herself, do not leave
the person alone. You may need to call 911.
What about you?
If you feel suicidal, talk to an adult right away. Call 911
or 1-800-SUICIDE, or check in your phone book for the number of a suicide crisis center. The centers offer experts who can
help callers talk through their problems and develop a plan of action. These hotlines can also tell you where to go for more
help in person.
Things may seem bad at times, but those times don't last forever.
Your pain right now probably feels like it is too overwhelming to cope with—suicide may feel like the only form of relief.
But remember that people do make it through suicidal thoughts. Ask for help - you can feel better. Don't use alcohol
or drugs, because they can’t take your problems away. If you can't find someone to talk with, write down your thoughts.
Try to remember and write down the things you are grateful for. List the people who are your friends and family, and care
for you. Write about your hopes for the future. Read what you have written when you need to remind yourself that your life
is IMPORTANT!
There is no reason that you or a friend has to continue hurting.
There are ways to find help and hope.
What if someone you know attempts or dies by suicide?
If someone you know attempts or dies by suicide, it's important
to remember that it isn't your fault. You may feel many different emotions: anger, grief, guilt, or you may even feel numb.
All of your feelings are okay; there is not a right or wrong way to feel. If you are having trouble dealing with your feelings,
talk to a trusted adult or use the contact information below. It is important that you feel strong ties with people at this
time.
Where else you can go for help
If you are thinking about suicide:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Suicide Awareness-Voices of Education
612-946-7998
The Boys Town National Hotline
1-800-545-5771
NAMI (The National Alliance on Mental Illness)
For more information on suicide:
National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center
source site: click here
Depression or Feeling Blue?
As a teenager, there are so many changes taking place in your
body and with your emotions that it can be very overwhelming. You might feel like you are in a great mood one minute and a
bad one the next. This roller coaster of emotions is normal. It's OK to have the blues sometimes and there are things you
can do to feel better. Try these tips to improve your mood:
- Know that what you are going through is very common.
- Find a way to relax, such as sitting down and taking a deep
breath or taking a shower.
- Talk to your friends, parents/guardians, teachers, counselors,
or doctors about what you are feeling. They can help you sort through your emotions.
- Get some exercise. When you exercise, your body makes more
special chemicals called endorphins. Endorphins can help improve your mood.
- Make sure that you get enough rest. Being tired can make you
feel more stressed.
There is a big difference between having the blues and having
depression. Depression is a serious illness that affects many young people. The good news is that depression can be treated.
Make sure to talk to your doctor or school counselor about any worries you have about depression.
How will I know if I have depression?
While some signs of depression can seem a lot like just having
the blues, there is a way to know if you need to talk to your doctor about depression. See your doctor about depression if:
- you have five or more of the symptoms listed below for
at least two weeks, or
- any one of these symptoms gets in the way
of school or family life.
Symptoms of Depression
sadness or crying that you can’t explain
major changes in the way you eat such as not eating or over-eating
being crabby, angry, worried or nervous
feeling negative or not caring about anything
feeling guilty or worthless
thinking about death or committing suicide
sleep changes, such as sleeping more or having trouble sleeping
not being able to focus or make a decision
not being able to enjoy the things you usually enjoy
not wanting to spend time with your friends
feeling restless or tired most of the time
source site: click here
5 Things You Need to Know About Trying After Loss
1. Time to Heal
Physically, most doctors say that you can try to conceive again one
or two cycles after a lost pregnancy. However, healing emotionally after losing a child to miscarriage or stillbirth is a
process of grief that will be different for each couple. You need to allow yourself time to heal, and realize that your spouse
needs a time to grieve, as well. Wait until you're both ready to try again. It's easy to hope that another pregnancy would
help you recover. But getting pregnant again isn't going to magically wipe away the grief you feel.
2. Riding the Emotional Roller Coaster
Your emotions may run from one extreme to another, from feeling that
you won't be happy until you're pregnant again to feeling that you must be crazy to even think of trying again. You may also
feel that you're trying to somehow erase the memory of the child you lost by trying to conceive with another. Know that there's
nothing wrong with continuing to love the child you lost and that having another child will never replace the one you lost.
3. You Just Know
Most couples say they just knew they were ready to try again when the
time was right. But, you need to consider a few things in regard to your readiness to try again. First, while most couples
have every reason to think their next pregnancy will result in a healthy birth, you need to be reasonably sure you could endure
another loss. Also, consider if you're ready for it to take a few months to conceive. The chances of conceiving in any given
month are about 20 percent, so you need to be prepared for the disappointment that an unsuccessful month brings.
4. Sadder but Wiser
Don't be too hard on yourself because you're more apprehensive about
getting pregnant again, feeling like the happiness and joy you felt the first time is diminished. You're unfortunately wiser
now and you know that not all pregnancies will result in the birth of a healthy baby, so it's perfectly natural to fear going
through that grief again. Just try your best to focus on the positive and take things one day at a time, when you're ready.
5. Bittersweet Days
You may find yourself thinking about what would have been in your lives
had you not lost a child. Christmas, Mother's/Father's Day, will likely be hard. Even if you are pregnant again before your
original due date with the child you lost, give yourself permission to be sad that day. You may feel with any of these bittersweet
days that you should be focusing on the future, not the past or what might have been. Try to connect with others who have
lost a child, and you'll realize that your feelings are not only normal, but very common.
Brenda Jones, a degreed journalism professional, has been an aerobics instructor
for more than three years and a fitness enthusiast for more than 20. She encourages her students to focus on proper form to
get the most from exercise while avoiding injury. Brenda brings years of writing experience from the corporate world to a
freelance career.
source site: www.livestrong.com
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
