|
 Effective Ways Of Solving Shyness
By Peter Murphy
Everyone knows shyness is a problem that needs to be solved. But how does one go about it? The first thing that a shy person has to acknowledge is that he tends to avoid social situations because of his shyness. Taking that first step
is a major factor that helps in solving shyness. The irony is that many shy people actually want to be involved in group interaction but do not know how.
Second, a shy person should try to immerse himself in
specific social situations to give himself, and others, a chance to interact. A shy person
who attends a party will probably hover at the periphery for a few minutes then leave. To counter this, a shy person must give himself more time to meet people.
At a party,
he could post himself at the buffet and strike up a conversation with someone about the food and drinks being served. Nothing
heavy like politics, just simple chit chat to tide things over until he can find someone who has something in common with
him.
He might run into someone he knows and turn to that person for a new topic to talk
about. He can ask simple questions like: how is your family? Little things like this will help the shy
person become more used to interacting with other people by degrees.
It does no good
for a shy person to try to arrive late at the occasion, hoping that the less time he spends
in the social event, the better it will be for him. That is counter-productive. A better solution is to arrive much earlier
than expected, so he can get a chance to meet more people.
Of course, this may be daunting to a shy person,
so perhaps he can try arriving 30 minutes after the party starts first. Then he can move up to arriving right on time, and
eventually to arriving maybe 10 minutes before the expected time.
Shy
people are known for maintaining a smaller comfort zone than people who are more confident. This means they have fewer friends and acquaintances with whom they feel comfortable.
Usually, a shy person will engage in routine activities with this small network of people
over and over again because they do not like to try new things out with new people.
Though
a shy person should not pressure himself about overcoming his shyness,
he could opt to expand his circle to include new contacts and acquaintances. He could try new things, like hobbies or sports
that people in his new circle are fond of pursuing. This is good, because not only does it give the
shy person something new to do, it gives him something new to talk about with his old circle of friends aside from
the same old routine.
Although it would be nice if there were a magic pill for solving
shyness, the fact is, there is none. Still, by following the tips above you can make steady
progress and enjoy a happy social life.
Author's
Bio: Peter Murphy is
a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence.
Apply now because it is available only at: http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/blog
Is It Shyness or Is It Fear?
By Kathleen Howe
As a small child I believe I was fearless. I was open and eager to challenge
each new situation and win over each new acquaintance with my smiling face and good nature. I invited conversation with anyone
as soon as I could talk and reason. The only catch, I had to be without parents to feel this safety amongst strangers.
Growing up beneath the heavy handed rule of my father and the expressionless
stoic demeanor of my mother made it difficult to be yourself when other people were in the picture. Within my family - aunts,
uncles, grandparents and cousins, I was very open and very personable. I appeared happy and outgoing. It was only the look
my mother would send into my direction that would make me shrink away and go for a walk - a long walk - to isolate myself
from the others. If I couldn't be myself I just wanted to go away from them all.
One of my aunts was known to be very shy. She was a redhead and her skin
was fair, white actually, and she had freckles on her face. She spoke so quietly that no one could hear her. Usually she just
barely smiled and then turned her face away so she wasn't forced to speak to anyone near her. I wondered about her. I liked
her just like I liked the rest of my relatives, but she was very different and I just couldn't talk to her long enough to
get to know her.
I was so happy when she
wanted me to be her flower girl in her wedding. We traveled to Michigan from New York where she was to be married. Her husband
to be seemed nice. He had a great smile and I heard he was a sports newsman on the radio in the Detroit area. I had no fear
or anxiety when it came to wearing a special dress and walking down the aisle of the church by myself. I was thrilled about
it! She seemed happy on her wedding day, but she was still very quiet.
I talked to the new part of the family without any help from my parents
or other relatives. I enjoyed meeting new people. As I began to get closer to my teen years I continued to enjoy having conversations
with strangers and meeting new people. When I entered high school I must say that I didn't have any trouble getting along
with anyone. Every person in the school knew me, even though I entered into the high school in the seventh grade. We had a
huge influx of junior high students and no middle school, so we went to the high school while a new school was built.
Even the seniors knew who I was when I was in the seventh grade. I was
talkative, happy, easy going and ready to face any challenge. I was always smiling, even if I wasn't happy inside - I still
liked most of the people I met. Those who I didn't really care for because of their trouble making nature - I held slightly
at arm's length, but I still got along with everyone.
It wasn't until I began to wonder
if my parents really loved me and cared for me in my teenage years that I began to develop some serious negative coping mechanisms.
I just didn't know how to cope with my parents. They just continued to live their lives, separately from each other as well
as separately from my siblings and I. I began by finding a boyfriend who was three years older than I was and then by smoking
and drinking alcohol.
My teenage years began to be wrought with danger brought on by my negative
coping mechanisms, my addictions, and my parents didn't seem to care one way or the other. I kept acting out and they kept
on ignoring me. It was at this time I developed some serious fears and irritable bowel syndrome. I was addicted to alcohol
and sex. At sixteen I became pregnant. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. My mother forced me to have an abortion.
From the day that I had told her that I was pregnant until some time after
the abortion it was one major emotional trauma after another. The medical staff at the hospital in the next state I had to
go to because abortion was illegal in my state - was very mean to me, speaking to me in a disrespectful tone of voice as if
to prove their personal disapproval of my situation.
After this point, anxiety, insecurity and extreme fear entered into my
world. I was so unhappy and so tragically hurt inside. I began to appear distant towards my boyfriend and began to visit bars
alone at night - even on school nights - getting so intoxicated that as I drove home from the bar, I'd often find myself drifting
off towards the dirt shoulder of the road and pulling the steering wheel strong to the other direction. I don't know how I
made it home all those times and how I didn't hurt myself or someone else. I carried a huge chunk of guilt and another of
shame throughout my days and nights. I felt worthless and wanted to hurt myself.
I was fairly attractive
and I knew how to be social. With my continual feeling of fear around people and the anxiety I carried with me always, I tried
cutting and wanted to commit suicide. I listened to the radio on Sunday nights in the Boston area as the radio disc jockey
interviewed prostitutes on the streets of Boston and I wished I could just go there and be one. I could just exist. It didn't
matter if anyone loved me or not anymore. I truly wanted to be alone.
The guilt and shame over the abortion was always in my present mind. There
was no way I could rid myself of the realization of what I had done. My decline began to become serious. I suddenly broke
up with my boyfriend and went out with a friend of his. After a three year relationship, I just walked away from it. This
friend of his like me okay, but he was very mean to me, but I didn't care. In fact, I had found out that my best friend and
my boyfriend had a meeting for the weekend behind my back to go skiing. I just accepted it.
I had no self respect. I began to have difficulties talking to people.
I couldn't bring myself to just carry on a regular conversation with anyone anymore. My mind was always circling around the
fact that I had killed my baby. The thought never left me. I was seriously depressed and still drinking way too much. I was
afraid of many things happening, but I just disregarded my fear and continued on with the most dangerous and destructive behaviors
I could think of.
I began having long extended episodes of night eating. I often binged
most of the night off and on, waking and traveling to the kitchen to stuff my face with anything I could find. With this behavior
came some extra pounds. Gaining weight wasn't good at all. It was at this point of my life that I became SHY. It was very
apparent to me that people thought of me as FAT. While I had only gained about fifteen pounds; it was obvious to me that people
were judging me differently. I was afraid to be around anyone and I stopped shopping for clothes.
As my life went on, my weight
was always fluctuating with my night eating habit. There were many more crises and traumas to come and go. Finally many years
later, with nothing in my previous years resolved - I began to stay in my bedroom. Was I afraid? Was I nervous that people
at work were talking about me behind my back? I was always fearful of something. Most of the time I didn't know what it was
that I was fearful about. I just couldn't talk to anyone or be around anyone.
People that met me would consider me to be a shy girl. When my weight
was good and I had been exercising, I felt good about myself and I was more friendly and more open. But when my weight was
bad, I was very shy and very anxious. I wasn't aware or mindful of what was happening to
me. I was very naive and knew nothing about being shy or being introverted or extroverted. I was intelligent about so many
things and very charismatic when things were good for me. It was just when things were bad, they were very - very bad.
More and more I believed I was two different people living in one body.
I had overheard my mother talking on the phone to my grandmother about my aunt who was the "shy" one. I hadn't understood
their conversation or the bits and pieces I was picking up from it, but as I began to experience this off and on conditioning
- I thought that I might be a "split personality" like the doctor had thought my aunt was. The word, "schizophrenia" was being
whispered throughout the family. I thought maybe I had caught it too.
As it turned out I spent many years of my life married to three different
abusive men. I had never cared how they treated me. I became accustomed to every kind of abuse. Finally after almost twenty
years of abusive relationships, I escaped. I left it all behind to start my life over again. But how was I to know that in
the end, my mental health would deteriorate to the most distressing levels I would ever know? Oftentimes, post traumatic stress
disorder doesn't appear right away. And mostly back in those times, mental health symptoms were often overlooked by doctors
who wanted to find only physical illnesses.
My question in this article is pointed to you. Are you shy and you don't understand how you got that way? Are you sure you're shy or could you be afraid of something
in your life or something in your past? How do you feel about yourself? What is your self esteem like?
Have you been labeled incorrectly since childhood? Are you anxious or
depressed? What are you afraid of or are you just afraid of something you can't quite put your finger on? Are you unhappy
with your life? Is there something about yourself that you just hate? Are you fit? Do you need to lose weight?
It's really difficult to be clear about what the actual feelings or emotions
are within yourself if you've never been experienced at recognizing emotions and feelings. If we never learn as small children
what happy is and what feeling sad is - how are we to know these things as adults?
I don't believe my aunt was ever shy. I learned
later on that there was domestic violence within my mother's family of origin when she was a young girl. Perhaps my aunt's
personality and temperament wasn't able to withstand the yelling, the fighting, or the physical abuse of my grandmother. Maybe
my aunt had been traumatized and no one ever spoke of it again. Perhaps she was existing within a deep pit of unresolved emotions
and feelings. Maybe she was afraid of life.
Think about it... are you shy or are
you depressed or fearful?
|
 |
|
What Every Shy Person Wants You to Know: Don’t
Call Me Shy!
By Laurie Adelman, B.S.N, M.S.
source site: self help magazine
Ben looks down when his
teacher greets him. Grace never speaks in class. Ava sits alone during recess. John does not make eye contact with his college
professors or fellow students. Julie worries that her boss will ask her a question during the office meeting.
Life is tough for those who
are shy. Ask the 30-50% of children or the 45% of adults who consider themselves shy and you'll get a list of ways that shyness holds them back. Every day
a shy child is in pain and shy adults are not living life
as they could. Something is very wrong with what has been offered to individuals who are shy
– until now.
The ongoing advice for shy people has been to "stop acting shy and push yourself."
The truth of the matter is that they can't, not as long as they continue to define themselves as shy.
Unless individuals change the way they think of themselves they will not be able to change their behavior. There is a very definite approach that helps shy individuals
change their mind-set from "I can't because I'm shy? to "I CAN be social if I try."
Never refer to a child as shy.
The way that a parent or teacher labels a child is the same way that the child will come to label him/herself. Once a child
develops a concept of herself as being shy she will behave in a manner that is consistent with that label. When you label a child shy, you convey to her the message that you don't
believe she can behave in a socially skilled manner – and that is precisely the way she will continue to develop. Children
who define themselves as shy believe that that is the only way they are capable of behaving.
We have put so much pressure on shy individuals that we set them up to fail. It is important for parents and teachers to decrease the anxiety of a social situation, while helping children define themselves
in socially positive ways. Children need to learn who they are without labels.
When a child is in a new situation
and feels unsure, it is very reassuring to have a parent or teacher describe their behavior. "You need time to get used to
new places and that's okay. You'll join in when you are ready." Explanations such as these go a long way to show the child
that you respect his/her needs and you make the child responsible for his/her next step, thereby decreasing the pressure.
Parents and teachers often
expect to see only shy behavior from shy children. It
is so important for adults to change their focus from what a shy child isn’t doing
to what he/she is. When you are first beginning to work to improve a shy child's social
skills and overall confidence, a social success could include smiling at another child, sitting at the birthday party table,
or passing out papers at school. Make a point of giving positive recognition for times that the child makes a social gesture,
however small.
Having a shy
child is challenging for both parent and child. Interaction between the two is vitally important and many parents find
it worthwhile to seek out the expertise of a shyness coach. Just as a person hires
a financial coach to focus on finances, a weight loss coach to learn about proper diet and exercise, and a La Leche coach
to assist with breastfeeding techniques, shyness coaching is beneficial to many.
Shyness
coaching helps parents explore what methods they are presently using to parent their child and what is working or not
working. Parents become more aware of how they interact with their shy child and how what
they say, and do, has a direct effect upon how the shy child progresses.
When shy
children learn to associate good feelings with social interactions they become empowered to take more and more social
chances. By incorporating a well thought out method that is fine-tuned to the specific needs of that particular child, shy children
come to realize that behaving in a socially comfortable manner is not only possible, but less pressure-filled than they may
have previously thought!
References:
- Adelman, L, Don't Call Me Shy,
Texas: LangMarc Publishing, 2007.
- Gilbert, M.,
Shy Girl, New York: Doubleday & Company, Inc.,1965.
Laurie Adelman,
B.S.N., M.S. Family Health/Health Education is a health educator, does shyness coaching by phone, and is the author of
Don’t Call Me Shy. She was a shy child herself and is the mother of an ex-shy child. For more information about
the Don’t Call Me Shy method and shyness coaching call (973) 696-6212. Shy adults also benefit from the "Don't
Call Me Shy" method.
01/14/08
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
