|
 Crazy Talk or Clear Communication?
By Paul & Layne
Cutright
Kevin
apologized to Melissa after he missed an appointment. It was a simple misunderstanding, so Melissa said she wasn't really
upset, just frustrated and disappointed.
But Kevin sensed there was more to it. Melissa's smile seemed
forced,
and he felt there was more she wanted to say, but Melissa insisted they forget about it and move on. Still,
Kevin had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Emotional
Incongruence
Emotional authenticity - acknowledging your true feelings - initiates enlightened conflict resolution.
Yet this can be compromised by emotional incongruence: denying or trying to cover your true feelings, either intentionally
or not.
Most people have learned to hide their feelings. They've learned to be guarded because dropping the mask and
being emotionally honest can lead to feeling vulnerable. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to see how honesty and
vulnerability might be good, how completely disarming they can be and how important they are to building trust and compassion.
No,
in the heat of the moment, hiding seems like a better idea. And to make it more complex, sometimes you know you are doing
it, and sometimes you don't.
Sometimes you lie about your feelings to get the upper hand. It's almost always a self-defeating
move, though, because it is so transparent. People may not notice the deceit right away, but after they have had a chance
to reflect, the truth usually dawns. They may not confront you because it is not worth the effort, but they will feel wary
and simply "go polite" and keep their distance. Just as Kevin did with Melissa.
At other times, you may be out of touch
with your feelings and try to fool yourself into maintaining a particular self-image. Perhaps you're trying to keep up the
appearance of being nice or spiritual or in control. But just beneath the surface, the fear of looking bad, or being wrong
or cast aside, dictates your defensiveness. Others almost always experience your defensiveness as aggression, which escalates
arguments. You may think you are communicating clearly, but you are sending mixed messages. Just as Melissa did.
Mixed
Messages
The words of a conversation are transmitted on an invisible carrier wave of emotion. More powerful than the
words alone, the emotion is "louder."
Consequently,
one of the worst things you can do is lie about your feelings or try to hide them. All that does is send mixed messages and
make others feel as if they are standing on shaky ground, causing all manner of silent alarms and red alert signals to clamor
through their energy field. There is a dreadful, unsettling feeling that comes with that "everything looks okay, so why does
it feel so bad and where is the danger really coming from?" feeling that usually throbs in your stomach and raises your hackles.
Just
as it is easy to tell when someone is being emotionally incongruent, it can be equally difficult to know when you are doing
it yourself. It can be extremely difficult for people who hold a high value for peace or kindness to be honest with themselves,
or anyone else for that matter, about their darker emotions. It can generate a deep inner conflict to have "hateful" feelings
when you see yourself as a "nice" person.
If
you have been a victim of emotional violence, it can be even more difficult.
If
You Want To Be Emotionally Congruent ...
Over time, people automatically suppress feelings they judge to be "bad."
This leads to acute emotional incongruence. What can be so crazy making is you can't feel the feelings you are transmitting
to others. If you want to be emotionally congruent, you must recognize the importance of learning to feel safe with all your
emotions.
Look
to see the role fear or anger has played in your life. In the case of Kevin and Melissa, it is likely that Melissa had some
old feelings, of which she was unaware, triggered by her interaction with Kevin, who then picked up on the uncomfortable residue
and put up his defenses.
It
is entirely possible that Melissa was being perfectly sincere in her statement that there
was nothing more, simply because she was not in touch with her deeper feelings.
© 2006 Paul and Layne Cutright –
All rights reserved.
You may publish this article in its entirety and with the authors’ resource information intact.
Author's
Bio
Layne and Paul Cutright are
relationship coaches and teachers who have been offering secrets and strategies for successful relationships at home and in
business since 1976. They are authors of the best selling book, You're Never Upset for the Reason You Think - Secrets and
Strategies for Resolving Any Upset Quickly and Easily. www.PaulandLayne.com
How to Give Compliments and Sound Sincere
The key to giving compliments is sounding sincere so that
the recipient of the compliment is truly flattered and appreciative of the compliment. An insincere compliment does
not convey the same message. If you are giving the compliment for your own personal gain, your lack of sincerity
will result in the person receiving the compliment not really feeling touched by your words.
Sincere compliments are simple, timely and they are not premeditated.
A sincere compliment is also often given in the presence of others.
When complimenting someone it’s important to keep your
compliment simple and specific. A compliment that is too over the top sounds forced and does not seem sincere.
Instead of gushing about the recipient of the compliment offer a simple compliment on a specific achievement. The simplicity
of the compliment will sound more genuine than if you had gone into great detail in your compliment. Also offering a
compliment on a specific achievement instead of making a generalization shows that your compliment is sincere because you
realize the importance of the achievement.
Offering a sincere compliment doesn’t have to be difficult,
just keep your words simple and focus on the reason you are giving the compliment.
Offering your compliment in a timely manner is also important
to sounding sincere. A compliment is most likely to be perceived as being genuine if it is offered relatively soon after
the achievement is attained. For example it would be appropriate to offer a college a compliment on a job well done
on a project within a day or two of completion of the project because you see them on a daily basis while not offering the
compliment almost immediately may result in it being perceived as insincere.
However if you hear that a former co-worker has just received
a promotion it is appropriate to wait until the next time you see them to offer your compliment or you may send them an email
within a week or two of hearing the news. In the first example your daily contact with the other person warrants a compliment
be given quickly while in the second example your distance allows you to wait a little longer before offering a compliment
without the compliment seeming forced or out of place.
Sincere compliments are spoken from the heart and are not
premeditated. A true compliment is spoken freely and without much thought while rehearsing and planning a compliment
appears obligatory and insincere. While thinking before you speak is generally a good idea, putting too much thought
into a compliment can have the effect of not seeming genuine. When offering a compliment let your emotions speak instead
of calculating your words and your compliment will seem sincere.
Additionally a sincere compliment is also either given in
writing or offered in front of others. Doing this places additional validity on the compliment. A compliment offered
in writing or in the presence of witnesses conveys sincerity by virtue of the fact that the person offering the compliment
is willing to allow proof of the compliment. Compliments given verbally with no witnesses may in fact be sincere but
offering the compliments in front of others is more effective if you want to appear sincere.
Finally the most important and also most obvious way to give
a compliment and sound sincere is to truly believe in the compliment you are giving. If you are genuinely impressed
with a person or their actions and offer an honest compliment, your sincerity will shine through and the other person will
be duly impressed and flattered by your compliment. It may sound overly simple but resist the temptation to give a compliment
that you don’t really mean.
Compliments are also given for reasons other than sincerity
such as personal gain and these compliments are rarely seen as sincere. However, when a compliment is given simply because
there is a feeling of admiration for the person receiving the compliment, the sincerity is obvious.
The art of giving a sincere compliment involves a number of
factors. Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that a sincere compliment stems from a genuine feeling of admiration.
Also offering a compliment without thoughts of personal gain is also imperative to giving a sincere compliment. While
these two factors ensure that your compliment is sincere the next few factors ensure that your compliment is received as being
sincere. Speaking from your heart and not rehearsing a compliment and offering your compliment in a timely manner and
preferably in front of others create the appearance of a sincere compliment.
|
 |
|
How To Be Sincere
from: WikiHow
Only those who
have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life's deepest joy:
true fulfillment.
Anthony Robbins
Sincerity of feeling, intent
and presentation touches the hearts of everyone. But what exactly defines sincerity? And
how do you achieve it? No other formula exists for sincerity than to be sincere by being genuine, having faith and trust in yourself, and just being rather than trying to project something
that you are not.
- Act the same way alone as
you do when in the presence of others. This is the real you and this is the person that people will warm to and trust. If you try too hard to be what you think other people want to see in you, the result will not be sincere and you will spend
a lot of time projecting a persona that is not a real part of yourself. That is not only hard work but is ultimately insincere.
- Do things out of the goodness
of your heart; don't seek a reward or do things to acquire
things from people. When you give without expecting the boomerang effect to occur, the giving becomes an act of sincerity and an expression of your genuine concern for and interest in others. A heart that is worn on the
sleeve is evident to others, and people who do this will engender a sense of rapport with others.
- Understand that sincerity comes from the heart. Whatever you do or say, it is vital to mean to do or say it and to back it up with your
beliefs. You cannot be sincere if you say you like chocolate when you hate it. You cannot
be sincere when you compliment someone but deep inside you detest him or her. You cannot be sincere
when you apologize just for the sake of disarming the person that you offended, with the motive of future revenge, but
you can be sincere if you are truthful to yourself.
- Don't do it or say it, unless
you believe it from your heart. If you are placed in a situation that requires you to offer compliments or to express your
opinions and tastes but you feel hampered by "white lies", there is an easy solution to this. Only choose the truths. For example, if you are called upon to give a speech about a person who is someone you would rather not be anywhere near
ordinarily, choose things about that person that are good. List at least three things which you know to be good about that
person and develop your speech around the good points. This will help you to speak genuinely and from the heart.
- Realize that sincerity can
expose you. Opening up to others about your feelings, motives and aspirations can cause some people to react in insincere
ways and to try and drag you down. If you are forearmed to expect this possibility, then it will come as less of a shock.
Remain calm and non-confrontational when faced with such responses. There are reasons such as insecurity and anger
that lie behind the inability of some people to cope with sincerity and to abuse you for
it.
- Use positive affirmations. Always seek
the good in you, in others, in situations. Try to place yourself in the other person's shoes to see where they are coming
from. When negative connotations arise, use your positive affirmations to override the negatives and to try to find the silver
lining in any situation. Sincerity thrives on effort to think the right way.
- Don't over-polish things. Sincerity is about immediacy, spontaneity, spur-of-the moment responses that well up from your
genuine self. Polishing responses (whether by e-mail, speech, letter or otherwise)
often removes the sincerity and replaces it with overlays of caution, attempted perfectionism and maybe even sugar-coating.
The difference is detectable by the recipient and can mean the difference between you getting that deadline shifted, getting
that job, getting that understanding you so very much need... or not.
- Be hospitable and lack material
neediness. Sincerity is advanced when you are open to having others in your life and when
you do not feel a need to compare yourself with what others have and what you do not. Material neediness destroys the ability
to be sincere because your focus is always on protecting your possessions and aiming to
accumulate more instead of looking outwards into the human community around you and perceiving the ways in which you can add
substance to it through the goodness of your heart. Learn to let go of this neediness and learn to open your heart to people
and your community. In that way, sincerity will become second nature.
source site: click here
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
] 