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 Emotional Self-Care
By Sara Joy David, Ph.D.
Published
in HEALTH SCIENCE, Tampa, Florida
Feelings are messengers seeking
to communicate vitally important information about what we want and need.
Mastery of the principles of emotional well-being can assure
an easier experience for anyone about to adopt the principles that are required for optimal physical health. Yet this part
of living a healthful lifestyle is often overlooked.
It has been my great joy and privilege to delve deeply into
this subject over many years. The journey into myself, my own emotions, and those shared by the numerous individuals who have
worked with me, individually and in workshops , has provided a wealth of information to share.
There are laws and principles of emotional well-being
that are as simple, reliable,and universal as those governing sound nutrition. The challenge that we all
face is that the vast majority of us have been conditioned to abandon these principles and to replace them with detrimental
practices such as excessive emotional control.The many erroneous attitudes and belief systems that have been substituted for
emotional truth are as certain to limit us, or even torment us emotionally, as eating unhealthful foods, breathing toxic air,
getting insufficient sun, and/or exercising inadequately are certain to damage us physically.
Willingness to feel
Let us examine some of these universal principles to clarify
the task of emotional self-care. First, and foremost, we must be willing to feel. Our feelings are allies,
messengers seeking to communicate vitally important information about what we want and need. However, much of our childhood
is spent learning to control our feelings, which are eventually distorted, stifled, or denied until we are left feeling numb.
Therefore, our first step must be to reclaim the right to feel and to express emotions. This means tuning
into them, increasing our awareness of and acceptance of them and all their nuances. When our feelings are judged or criticized
(by ourselves or others), we lack the sense of safety to permit them to surface. Welcoming feelings, and becoming
curious about what messages they offer, creates the safety for them to come forward.
Expressing our feelings
The second step is to learn to express these feelings in appropriate
ways. We must learn to release feelings rather than being ruled by them or using them to manipulate others.There
is always a feeling of relief and peace when an emotion has been completely discharged. The energy formerly bound up is transformed
and available for more fulfilling new experiences. If there is residual discomfort or tension after crying or getting angry,
it is a clue that the feeling has not been expressed in its full intensity, or that some displacement has occurred, leading
to an unsuccessful attempt to substitute a secondary feeling for the primary or core feeling that has become more difficult
to deal with.
Stifled feelings
If children are taught to stifle
all feelings, there is sometimes a further communication that some feelings are even more abhorrent than others.
For examples, many boys are taught to believe that crying
is the least acceptable of all emotions; many girls are told that anger is the least acceptable emotion for them to express.
Thus, when crying does not provide relief, there may be underlying
anger in need of expression. Similarly, when getting angry does not restore equilibrium, there may be underlying sadness to
face.
Expressing secondary feelings dramatizes and entrenches them.
It is only the expression of the primary feeling that restores emotional equilibrium.
Reclaim your right to feel
and express your emotions!
Stifled feelings do not simply
disappear. They are stored in the body by the tightening of muscles, some part of the body moving out of alignment, or the
holding of breath or more shallow breathing. Contained feelings become toxic.
The tension and strain required to bind emotional energy impacts
all bodily functions, including digestion and elimination. When situations occur that remind us of past moments when we felt
fear or pain and stifled them, we are restimulated.
There is a snowball effect, and each new, similar experience
heightens the intensity of the feelings induced. The reason for this is that the earlier, unexpressed feelings attach themselves
to the current ones in an increasingly urgent effort to break free.
Meanwhile, the erroneous beliefs associated with not deciphering
the true message the feelings were seeking to deliver are further entrenched rather than corrected.
This is the core dynamic beneath most addictive behavior. Conditioned
fear of emotions leads some people to drown them with alcohol, some to send them up in smoke, some to stuff them down with
food, some to fill their time with compulsive and excessive activity.
There is an inner wisdom that is well aware that if we pause,
still our minds, ingest only nourishing foods, breathe more deeply, spend time only in healthful environments, including,
as often as possible, being with supportive others, there will be a temporary flood of stored emotions.
When we are ready to say "yes" to such a clearing of our emotional
closets, we seek to create rather than to avoid the conditions conducive to such emotional cleansing. Then, applying the principles
of physical self-care becomes both simple and obvious, as the need to resist has been removed. Instead of dreading these held
feelings, let us welcome them with gratitude and excitement. Let us free our energy so as to open ourselves to more gentle,
joyful, loving emotions.
Positive self-talk
Language and thought can inhibit or facilitate emotional expression.
When words are used only to describe or label a feeling, no movement or transformation takes place. These are strictly mental
activities that delay release. When naming the feeling is combined with enthusiastic, encouraging self-talk, successful emotional
release is assured.
When naming any feeling, it is important to avoid prefacing
a statement with the phrase,"I am..." since that would imply a lasting or abiding state of affairs. Stating "I feel
angry, sad, frightened, frustrated, disappointed, trapped, numb, etc. enables us to communicate a current, temporary
state and to let it go rather than to perpetuate it.
Examples of liberating self-talk are: "I am willing
to feel these feelings in their full intensity." "I make wise choices about where, how, and with whom to share my feelings."
"Accepting and expressing my feelings completely and appropriately will increase my creativity." "It is safe
to let go emotionally." "My feelings inform me about the changes I want to make in order to live a more effective, fuffilling
life."
Deeper intimacy
Learning to let go of stored emotions opens the doors to deeper
intimacy. It restores choice and invites more positive life events. It allows us to perceive experiences differently, which
assures new emotional responses of a more empowering kind. This can be a delightful adventure. The same situations once experienced
as "crises" now become opportunities to take full responsibility (without blame, shame, or judgment) for
our feelings, how they are expressed, and the impact they have.
Taking responsibility for our feelings means that the sole purpose
of expressing them is to restore equilibrium and a sense of freedom and choice. Others close to us may become witnesses and
allies instead of rescuers seeking to give us advice or antagonists interfering with our process.
Choosing wisely
Negative feelings do not have to be such a big deal. We do
not have to build monuments to our mistakes. We can view these unpleasant feelings as signals that point us away from attitudes,
behaviors, and circumstances that did not, do not, and never will suit us, toward what we do want.
Joy, enthusiasm, excitement, delight, serenity,
ecstasy are the natural state once painful or limiting feelings have been faced and released. Ending denial and resistance
restores emotional wellness. Then we can have it all! We can be all that we were created to be. We can then
enjoy ourselves every step of our journey. We need only be willing. We need only be open to learning and applying universal
laws.
source site: click here
FINDING OUR LIMITING BELIEFS
Most of us have
learned to look outside of ourselves for the cause of the experiences that we don't like. So it may seem difficult at first
to entertain the idea that it's because of our beliefs that we are causing or allowing our unique experiences in life. However,
by finding and changing some of the limiting beliefs that are causing us to create or allow undesired experiences, we can
gain assurance.
Fortunately, life gives us ample feedback from several sources. The primary source is what we actually
experience. Experience functions as a mirror. We not only create or allow what we experience through our beliefs, but we also
view experience through their lenses. On hearing a compliment about something he has done, a person with confident beliefs
about himself is likely to accept this as a sincere acknowledgement. Someone who lacks confident beliefs might see or interpret
it as an insincere "buttering up" to get or gain something, or an outright lie.
We also get continual feedback from
our bodies and emotions. When we live our lives with negative or limiting beliefs, we get feedback from our body in the form
of pains, aches, illnesses, lack of energy, etc.; and from our emotions; undesired feelings such as anxiety, depression, apathy,
anger, grief, etc. These can provide some of the valuable clues we need to find our limiting beliefs. (Refer to appendices
H, I, and K for more specifics on how these relate to our limiting beliefs.) As we identify some of them, our next step is
to change them to positive ones in our subconscious minds.
For example, upper back problems are often symptoms of
feeling a lack of support or love. Limiting beliefs might be that "I am unlovable," "I don't deserve love," or "Loving is
dangerous," etc. Then, by entering the subconscious and changing these to "I am lovable," "I deserve love," and "loving is
safe," the cause and symptoms may be relieved.
Of course physical difficulties may have advanced to
a stage where recovery will take time, and the relief may not become apparent at once. The difficulty may also be at a stage
where medical treatment is needed, and if so, such treatment should be sought. As an analogy, our house may be burning as
a consequence of having limited beliefs that caused the probability of some form of destruction to become high; but at this
point, our most urgent action to save it would be to call the fire department.
An anxiety problem is often a symptom
of fear, and limiting beliefs which could be causing it are "I am powerless," "I can't trust myself," or "I am helpless."
etc. By changing these in the subconscious to "I am powerful," "I can trust myself" and "I am self reliant," the fear and
anxiety should be alleviated. It's quite likely that other limiting beliefs making up the set causing anxiety will also need
to be found and changed, for there may be several contributing factors.
In doing the focused observation and detective
work to spot our limiting beliefs, we must bypass the tendency so many people have to place the responsibility elsewhere,
i.e. to blame others, fate, or outside circumstances as the cause of our undesired experiences. Obviously, others do play
a part in our experiences, but our vibrations attract certain people and through resonance, activate particular qualities
in them, as well as creating environmental circumstances. Thus we set up the probability of having the unique experiences
we have, and through our vibrations, of attracting others to play roles.
RECOGNIZING LIMITING BELIEFS ABOUT CHANGING
Unfortunately, we are likely to have some beliefs that limit the changes we allow ourselves to make. Change brings
about different conditions in our lives, and we may have doubts about whether a change will really make us happier.
We may be concerned that as we change we will affect
the people close to us in different ways, and they may have trouble accepting the changes in us. We may be apprehensive that
changing might lead to disaster, or that if we change we will fail. For some people, change seems to threaten their very existence;
perhaps by threatening to expose their excuses or the unhealthy or dysfunctional roles they have adopted as a way of handling
life, or to keep from getting hurt.
Some typical excuses and concerns are:
a. I have to control everything in my life, (by intimidation
or by being weak.)
b. If I change I might be lonely, and I don't want to risk it.
c. It might involve becoming
more intimate and having to expose my shallowness, vulnerability, etc.
d. Change might expose my shame for what I
have done or for just being who and what I am.
e. I might have to stop being self-obsessed.
f. I might have
to give up self-pity and stop being a martyr.
g. I don't or won't deserve anything better.
Obviously, in order to change, you need to find and change
your limiting beliefs regarding making changes. You may find in reading this that some of these forms of resistance apply
to you. If so, make a note of them so that when you come to the chapter on how to find and change limiting beliefs, you can
make these the first ones to change. Otherwise, they will stand in the way of you making the other changes that you want to
make.
DEVELOPING A NEW WAY OF LOOKING AT EXPERIENCES
To find our limiting beliefs, we need to adopt a new
way of looking at our experiences. Sometimes, to make the search less personal, it may help to get a stuffed doll or animal
and use it as a substitute for yourself, a representation to whom to ask questions. Keep in mind that those limiting beliefs
from which we create vibrations and unwelcomed experiences are in our subconscious. These are not necessarily logical and
sometimes not even ones we can consciously imagine having.
So we have to be open and imaginative in looking for them. Also,
since beliefs are stored in sets or systems, there may be several linked beliefs which contribute to the particular vibrations
leading to undesired experiences. It's important to find and change as many in the set or system as possible, so even if some
beliefs seem similar, make note of each one that comes to mind.
IDENTIFY THE AREAS OF UNDESIRED EXPERIENCES &
LIMITING BELIEFS
To find one's limiting beliefs, first identify the areas in which you have had some patterns of undesired
experiences that you'd like to change. These are likely to have common characteristics. Here are some examples to which you
might add some of your own:
Feeling anxious or fearful in certain life situations.
Feeling
upset with people in particular relationships or circumstances.
Feeling let down or betrayed by others.
Experiencing
a lack of success or recognition for your efforts in certain areas of your life.
Feeling purposeless or lacking motivation.
Encountering financial difficulties.
Having problems in relationships for which you may blame your mate or
others.
Experiencing a lack of creativity or its expression.
Encountering learning difficulties.
Resisting
change or feeling threatened by it.
Being unable to be as successful as one desires.
Experiencing ill health.
Once an area has been identified, then pose questions to yourself
or your substitute such as, "What would someone (or the name of the stuffed animal) have to believe, particularly about himself,
to be creating or allowing this type of undesired experience?"
"What inner conflicts might someone have that would
cause that person to create this type of undesired experience?"
Always look for the most basic beliefs possible. These
may lie at a deeper level than those which come to mind at first. For example, a person who has a belief that he is not able
or competent in an area, or isn't succeeding, might have beliefs of the type "I have no choice but to work in this area or
field," "I can't trust myself," "I'm stupid," "I never do anything right," "I'm irresponsible," "I'm powerless," "Whatever
I do it will turn out to be wrong," "I'm bad or evil," "I'm a failure," "No matter how hard I try, it never works out," "Nothing
comes easy," "I have to 'knock myself out' to get anything done," "I'm a misfit," "I'm bad," "I deserve punishment," "I always
gum things up."
USING BLAME AS A LEAD FOR FINDING LIMITING BELIEFS
What a person blames another for provides useful
clues regarding his limiting beliefs. As the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu stated in about 600 B.C:
Having what is called insight.
A good man, before he can
help a bad man,
Finds in himself the matter with the bad man,
And whichever teacher
Discounts the lesson
Is
as far off the road as the other,
Whatever else he may know.
Blaming is almost invariably a projection of a person's
limiting beliefs, particularly ones about himself, on to others or external factors. You can start by asking yourself, or
the person whom you are assisting, "Regarding this experience, what am I blaming others for?" Then take the answers to this
question and ask, "What aspect of what I am blaming others for may lie in me?" "In what ways might I be doing this to others
or to myself?" "What would my underlying beliefs be, particularly about myself for me to do this?"
An example of applying
this might come up when working with a wife who is having trouble in her relationship with her husband. She complains that
he never listens to her. She could be asked; "What would someone have to believe about themselves for someone to not listen
to them?" Then, write down any limiting beliefs that she comes up with. If some form of prompting seems needed, ask questions
such as: "Might she believe that she is shallow, or boring, or has nothing interesting to say, is just an idle gossip, that
she should be seen but not heard, etc." Always come back to identifying what her basic beliefs might be, particularly ones
she has about herself.
What a husband or wife blames the other for is almost always a reflection of the blamer's limiting
beliefs. So returning to our example of the wife, ask other questions to help her find additional limiting beliefs such as:
"Who or what are you not listening to?" "To what inner signals from your emotions or body are you not listening?" "What
intuitional messages are you disregarding?" "What aspirations are you ignoring?"
IDENTIFYING THE LACK OF PURPOSE AND
ASPIRATIONS
An underlying and common element
in individuals who are creating undesired experiences is a lack of purpose or excitement in life. We could say that these
individuals are not in communication with their inner or higher selves i.e. that aspect of their being that operates at a
non-physical, vibratory level. It directly effects the experiences in their daily lives. From that level aspirations evolve
from the dimensions of thought and feeling into physical reality. If aspirations are not recognized, expressed and acted upon,
a person is not likely to feel 'centered' and in harmony within himself. Instead, he will create negative or amorphous vibrations.
When these vibrations exist, they are likely to produce experiences that the person doesn't want.
Not having one's aspirations defined can be explored by asking
questions such as, "What beliefs would someone be likely to have to not recognize his aspirations? These might be aspirations
to be a person with certain abilities, or qualities such as good character, positive principles, integrity, trust, creativity
in various areas, generosity, imagination, enthusiasm for life and involvement in life, commitment, love, empathy, depth of
feeling, gratitude, forgiveness, etc. What beliefs might he have that would inhibit him from aspiring to and developing these
qualities as fully as he might like to?"
"These might be aspirations to do certain things, like changing conditions,
writing, teaching, selling, managing, directing, engaging in sports, etc. What beliefs might he have that would inhibit him
from aspiring to and doing these things?"
"These might be aspirations to have certain things like facilities, equipment,
housing, etc. What beliefs might he have that would inhibit him from aspiring to have and getting these things?"
One
could also ask, "What have you dreamed or imagined being, doing or having that you rejected, or for which you allowed other's
attitudes to discourage you?" Identify what occurred and express the feelings you had. Then, ask, "What beliefs might someone
have that would cause them to reject or not pursue their dreams?" If prompting seemed necessary, questions such as, "Might
they believe they were unworthy or not deserving, that they were bad or evil, that they were of no importance, that their
dreams are unreal, the future is dangerous, etc."
It could also be helpful to ask what beliefs that he might have
which would prevent him from being in communication with his inner or higher self?
Also, refer to Appendix J.
PROCEDURE FOR FINDING LIMITING BELIEFS CAUSING ANXIETY,
DEPRESSION AND HEALTH PROBLEMS
If you or a person with whom you are working is experiencing anxieties or depression,
for reasons other than specific medical problems, the underlying beliefs are often ones such as: I lack self confidence and/or
self trust, self worth, a sense of identity, or I am powerless, I can't express my anger, I'm not deserving, I'm untrustworthy,
I'm bad, I'm evil, I have to be in control but I'm not, I can't trust, or even such beliefs as that I wouldn't exist if I
didn't achieve such and such, or I'm nothing. If you or the person you are guiding has difficulty finding the basic beliefs
which might be causing anxiety and/or depression, beliefs of this type may lay at the root. If they do, get a statement of
the positive belief and change the limiting beliefs to positive ones. See Appendix H, I and K for additional questions.
When
you or the person with whom you are working has health problems, a very useful reference is the excellent book, by Louise
Hay, You Can Heal Your Life.
In it she helps to relate symptoms for various maladies
to the possible limiting beliefs. For example, Louise suggests that a person with asthma might examine probable causes such
as:
"Smothering love; inability to breath for
one's self; feeling stifled or suppressed crying."
Questions which might assist an asthmatic in finding his
limiting beliefs might begin with: "What are your beliefs about love?" "Is it safe to give or to receive love?"
"Are
there dangers in loving?" "Do you deserve love?" "Do you feel trapped by love?" "Are you afraid of being smothered by or smothering
another with love?"
Regarding the issue of "inability to breathe for one's self," you could ask, "What would someone
have to believe to not be able to breathe for oneself, breathe in a wider context; a taking in and giving out of life. You
might suggest: "Might the person believe that he is powerless?" "That he can't sustain himself in life?" You can ask if the
person believes that he is weak or ineffective; can't trust or depend on himself; that he is vulnerable, that it's dangerous
to take in things, etc.
For the third possible cause suggested by Louise, "feeling stifled,"
one could begin by asking, "What would a person have to believe to feel stifled?"
You could explore issues such as self trust, lack of ability,
or beliefs that what he has to offer isn't good enough, or that he is unable, isn't creative, that he creates bad effects,
is bad or evil, is unworthy, or that expression is dangerous, or might lead to exposure or embarrassment, etc.
From
the fourth possible cause which Louise lists for asthma, suppressed crying, you could ask, "What would a person have to believe,
particularly about himself to suppress crying?"
After getting all of the answers that are readily available
on this question, you might prompt further exploration by asking, "Might he-have a belief that he is powerless, helpless,
weak or a victim?" "Could the person believe that emotions or expressing them is dangerous?" "Might the person believe that
he is bad, has done something bad or deserves to be punished."
Again, in suggesting possible beliefs, it can be helpful
to use a stuffed animal or doll surrogate with a common name such as Sam or Lisa. Some people may take probing questions as
accusative or evaluative, and become defensive, so a question such as "What would Sam or Lisa have to believe to suppress
crying," might be less threatening for the client, or less introverting to oneself.
source site: click here
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Feelings….Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Feelings
The one thing that separates us humans from animals is our need
and desire to express feelings. When we’re happy, we want everyone around us to share in our joy. When we’re
sad, we expect loved ones to rally around and comfort us. When we’re angry, we may seek solitude or revenge. Face
it. We are emotional creatures.
As grown ups, we have come to expect to experience a wide-range
of emotions daily. We wake up feeling … We arrive to work feeling … We finish a project and feel ... We spend
time with our family feeling … We watch the news and feel … And when we put our head on the pillow we
feel … Our emotions run high and low and everything in between.
Yet, when it comes to children’s feelings, many parents
stifle or dismiss their kids’ feelings. Often, our kids’ emotional outbursts
show up at inconvenient times, like when we’re late for morning carpool. Or our kids’ public displays of disappointment
can be down-right embarrassing in the middle of aisle 5 at the grocery store.
What is an emotional and stressed out parent to do?
Our kids weren’t born walking or reciting the ABCs. We
had to coach and guide them. And while our kids were born with the hard-wiring to feel, it is up to us to teach them
how to express their feelings appropriately.
Step 1: Validate your child’s feelings.
Letting kids know you understand how they feel shows that you
think they and their feelings are important. A child who feels important is more likely to cooperate and have high self-esteem.
Playback what you hear and nod your head in agreement. “You really miss Daddy, don’t you? I’m sorry he’s
not home now. I miss him too.” When your child cries because there is no more milk, validation will shorten the
episode, lecturing on how frivolous it is to cry over a temporary milk shortage will only exacerbate the situation for you
and the child. Simply validate his feelings enough to show you care (not ad nauseam), suggest alternatives and move on.
Step 2: Help your child label her feelings.
Give your child the language to express her feelings and you
will reduce the amount of frustration you both feel during emotional outbursts. Soon throwing a fit will become a pastime
and statements and discussions will become the norm. Children who learn to recognize and manage their feelings learn to have
empathy for others’ feelings. Try, “It must be disappointing when your friend won’t share, huh?”
or “Are you frustrated that you can’t tie your shoes?” And for the child who expresses her feelings inappropriately,
try “It’s okay to feel frustrated/disappointed/angry, it’s not okay to hit.”
Step 3: Share your feelings.
Model the appropriate expression of positive and negative feelings.
When you feel happy, share your joy and include your children in the positive feeling (e.g. dance around, give them a hug).
When you feel sad or angry demonstrate how you stay in control. Ask for some time alone. Take deep breaths or count backwards
from 10 in front of your child. Remember, kids learn by example.
Step 4: Become a feeling household.
When reading stories together, ask your child how the character
is feeling? Or how will the character feel if this happens or if that happens? When watching TV or a movie, pause the show
and ask how your child would feel if s/he were in that situation. When playing games with your children and something does
not seem fair, ask how your child feels. Or ask your child how they think you feel when the child doesn’t play the game
properly.
That’s it for now. Thank you, Stacey, for sharing your
writing with us again.
source site: click here
What is stuckness?
[This is the introduction to a longer paper
that will appear here shortly.]
1. Feeling
paralyzed by fear and/or confusion
2. Feeling stifled, immobilized, and/or trapped.
3. Unable
to move on (having unfinished business).
4. Unable to choose from a selection of options.
5. Unable to see any answers.
6. Time to move on (and stop banging one’s head against a brick wall).
7. Time to change direction (because the current direction is yielding little or nothing).
8. Time
to make a choice (instead of avoiding making choices).
9. Time to vote for oneself (self-actualization).
source site: click here
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Joe and Sarah came to see me because
their communication was at a standstill, and they were very unhappy in their marriage. Sarah was feeling stifled and controlled by Joe, who was completely overwhelmed by her "overemotional" style and
"crazy" moods.
In the first session, Joe frequently cut Sarah off in conversation,
directed her actions and often told her what to think. Sarah became angry and shouted him down.
It became clear that this problem first arose when Joe returned
from a tour of duty in Iraq. In combat, he learned quickly that the only way to survive was to suppress feelings,
respond logically, and always be alert to danger. Adherence to these rules had indeed allowed him to escape injury and
death.
As with most neuroses, the problem began when Joe unwittingly
transferred the behaviors that were necessary in combat to his relationship with Sarah, where they were highly maladaptive.
As we continued to meet, we learned that Joe's behavior was
prompted by an unconscious fear of losing Sarah. He wanted to protect her from the extreme danger he associated with
"giving in" to one' s emotions.
As Sarah grew to see how much Joe loved her, and Joe began to
understand that he could relax his rigid behaviors, they were able -- with considerable relief and happiness -- to rebuild
their relationship.
Couples usually come to therapy
feeling raw and vulnerable. Not knowing what to expect feeds anxiety and adds to an already oversized burden.
The decision to seek help is often a very difficult
one for a couple. Feeling misunderstood, carrying lots of anger and frustration, and having questions about whether
it makes sense to stay in the relationship, one or both members of the couple are likely to feel nervous and skeptical about
opening up to a stranger.
Partners often expect to be judged by a therapist
and fear being "found guilty". Another fear is that a highly conflictual situation will escalate to an all-out war in
a couples session.
-
What to Expect
Effective couples therapy is distinct from individual therapy.
Individual sessions focus largely on a client's history and inner conflicts and emotions, with the goal of increasing self
awareness and resulting in a newfound sense of integration and empowerment .
In couples work, however, we focus on the system formed by the
partnership, not on individual histories. Systems are dynamic, complex, and consist of largely unconscious
workings. A well-trained couples therapist can hone in on the parts of a system that have become problematic and have
been hidden from view.
Compassionate, respectful feedback helps a couple to understand
the formerly hidden pieces of the puzzle, and to fit them together with the pieces they know. With this newfound ability,
blame becomes largely irrelevant, and cooperative teamwork can begin.
source site: click here
Healing Your Inner Child
The person you have become is directly influenced by your
inner child. Healing your inner child must happen before you can be completely happy.
We all have one, but few of us are inclined
to acknowledge our inner child and how it has served to define the people we have become. Do you ever wonder why you so quickly stifle any emotions or feelings that may lead directly to your inner self? The answers vary from
person to person, but understanding the signs is a big step toward understanding ourselves and why we avoid showing the world
who we are inside.
The way we perceive life and how we interact
with the world and people around us is directly affected by emotional wounds and negative feelings suffered during our childhood.
The neglect of these emotional wounds only served as prime conditions allowing them to fester and turn into controlling forces
that could either make or break you as a psychologically healthy individual.
These negative feelings transferred to our
inner child, causing us to react the only way known -- by abandoning ourselves. A sense of self-deprivation, if you will,
allows us to effectively close off feelings and emotions that would be painful, by ignoring our inner selves and not allowing
the tears and hurt to be recognized.
What Age Do You Feel?
The time to address these issues is now,
to seek full recovery of control over ourselves, emotionally,
mentally, and psychologically. The first step is to recognize the signs of reacting to issues that imitate past experiences.
When we feel intense emotions such as panic or rage over any situation, most often it is a clear indication there are age
old issues at hand that were not reconciled. Stop at this point and ask yourself, "What age does this situation make me feel
like?" Give yourself time to answer without responding fully out of anger or hurt. Once you can determine this, you are heading
down the right path to addressing that inner child, and following closely, is the chance to find out why the child felt that
way.
Details of past experiences are not relevant
to the healing, it's the overall acknowledgment that the
child was hurt, felt pain and was not able to clearly
express his or her feelings at that time. Now, as an adult, you are able to express your hurt, rage, or feelings of helplessness.
This period of emotional recognition enables you to take cautious steps to beginning emotional counseling.
Trusting An Emotional Counselor
Keep in mind, if the trusted person you
have chosen to divulge your past hurts to has not completed their own version of emotional healing, will not be helpful to
you during the healing process. They may unintentionally, or otherwise, project their issues onto you which would not only
impede the cleansing process, but also increase the depth of your negative feelings, possibly resulting in becoming a part
of the problem rather than being a part of a solution.
An excellent counselor or therapist will
not judge you or your feelings, nor will they attempt to
make you feel shameful or angry over past issues. Their job
entails listening carefully, and gently leading you when you feel lost, to finding your inner child and how you lost touch. This calls for a certain amount of trust and, in a sense, bonding.
This trust should be delicately placed using discernment and common sense.
Healing your inner child is a process that
takes time, patience, and strength. Until you are able to successfully get in touch with
your inner child, and begin healing yourself, your friendships and relationships will repeatedly follow pre-set courses as
results of your emotional wounds from the past. Believe in yourself, and invest in your happiness, satisfaction, and peace
by reconciling with the past and looking forward to the future.
source site: click here
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