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Getting Support
as a Single Person
It
may be of interest to you that according to recent demographic data, there are more single people alive today
than ever before in history. There is clearly no shortage of available single people.
Being single can
be a wonderfully fun and option-filled lifestyle. It can also be extremely difficult in that our culture tends to be so couples
and family oriented. What can singles do to get support with and from other singles, and
also put themselves in situations where they are most likely to meet a potential partner?
The social world
of the single person should be like the financial world of any adult:
diversify your assets and resources.
While isolation is the worst coping strategy, jumping into a new intense relationship out of need or loneliness is a close second. Committing to spending time with a variety of single people and singles' organizations is your best bet
to feel good about yourself and maximize your chances for companionship and love in the long run.
The good
news is that today's singles scene is more organized and rich than ever before. There are a wide variety of singles activities
to fit anyone's interests or needs. At the RELATIONSHIP INSTITUTE, we maintain a file of Michigan singles organizations that we distribute freely to anyone
who would like one. If you know of a good organization that you'd like others to know about, or if you'd like a copy of our
Singles Resource List, call (248) 546-0407 or email us at info@relationship-institute.com and we'll get one right out to you.
Many people enter
singles organizations after the breakup of the serious relationship. While the temptation may be great to jump right in and get seriously involved with a new person, that is the single riskiest thing a recently single person can do.
Recovering and healing from a divorce or breakup of a serious committed relationship takes time (at least a year or two) and the support of others. Research backs up the risk of "rebound relationships".
People who marry again within
one year of the legal date of their divorce have a 79% subsequent divorce rate.
While this number
seems high, from the perspective of a conscious approach to relationships that we take, it is not surprising. You cannot possibly
know who you are marrying in only one year, under any circumstances, but especially while experiencing the hurt, confusion
and trauma of a breakup or divorce.
Do yourself a favor.
Get involved in several singles' groups. Attend functions on a regular basis. Take time to heal. Develop a good support system around you that will be with you when you are ready to begin dating again.
At the worst, you
will develop some great friends and companions. At the best, you're laying the foundation for a balanced, healthy social network
out of which a serious relationship can grow. And when that seemingly special person does come along, you have a great resource in your support system of singles to
help you see if they really are compatible with you for the long haul.
Creating a diversified
social life is one great way to insure that you will not only survive but thrive in today's single world. And it's also a
great way to refine your interpersonal skills while getting ready for your next foray into the world of dating.
source site: click here
Social Support in Recovery
What is Social Support in Recovery?
Social support is:
- a network of relatives and friends who provide positive feedback.
- the people in your life giving you emotional support.
- honest confrontation as you establish a lifestyle of recovery. It consists of compliments on your success, reminders when you deviate and understanding when you are discouraged and hurting.
- the people in your life accepting no excuses from you but helping you maintain your motivation and commitment to recovery.
- the people in your life (your
network) pulling for you to succeed in recovery.
- emotional support and understanding from others as you struggle with a changed lifestyle and personal growth.
- physical support from others
in restructuring your home, work site and social life to be more conducive to your recovery efforts.
Why Is a Social-Support Network Necessary in Recovery?
When you are trying to recover without positive reinforcement from your social-support system, you often:
- lose interest in your efforts.
- feel as if your efforts go unrewarded.
- lose the motivation to change.
- forget the reason for changing.
- feel discouraged when you have hit a plateau at which your changes are less apparent.
- feel as if your efforts are meaningless.
- feel depressed because the changes require too much effort (i.e., entail work that is unrewarded).
- want to give up since there is no visible change in your life, or in the ways in which others react to you.
When you are trying to recover with positive reinforcement from your support systems, you:
- feel encouraged to continue sacrificing time and energy to
make the changes.
- feel motivated to continue working on the changes.
- feel supported and cared
for when you are experiencing a plateau that involves little visible change.
- feel good about yourself and the efforts you are making.
- want to pursue new paths by which you can change your lifestyle.
- work harder and longer on your efforts to recover.
- become more involved and interested in your recovery process.
- become more conscientious in your efforts to change.
- become more realistic about the time and effort needed to make the necessary changes in your life.
How to Develop a Social-Support Network
To develop a system of social support in recovery, you can turn to:
- your spouse.
- family members.
- relatives, including aunts, uncles and cousins.
- neighbors.
- close friends.
- co-workers.
- social contacts.
- members of your church, synagogue or temple
- classmates.
How Far Can You Allow Your Social-Support System to Go in Your
Recovery Process?
You can give those in your social-support
system permission to:
- give open and honest feedback concerning your progress and efforts to change.
- positively reinforce you for your efforts to change, rather than just reinforcing the changes yourself.
- assist in monitoring your efforts to change.
- listen and be understanding when you are depressed over an apparent lack of progress.
- kick you in the butt when it's needed to keep you on track.
- accept you in your new lifestyle and continue to reinforce you in these changes.
- point out needed alterations in your lifestyle without nagging, harping, complaining or criticizing.
- compliment your efforts to recover and the resulting changes (without overemphasis on the changes themselves).
- I should be able to do this on my own.
- It is a sign of weakness
to ask others for support.
- It is embarrassing to let others know of my personal weaknesses.
- You should never burden anyone else with your feelings or personal concerns.
- People who know a lot about
me or my life can take advantage of me.
- People are basically self-centered and selfish; they don't really care about me.
- I don't need others to help me change my life.
- People are always trying
to get me to conform to their ways of thinking, acting and believing.
- If I let others know what
I am trying to do, they will always be on my back.
- I hate to be reminded of things I know I need to be doing for myself.
What You Can Do to Create a Social-Support System to Assist in Your Recovery With Members of Your Group or 12-Step Program
- Share telephone numbers with
your support group and 12-step group members.
- Call one another during the
week to reinforce each other's efforts.
- Call one another when you
are discouraged.
- Celebrate each other's progress
and efforts.
- Encourage one another to stick to the program of recovery.
- Take each other seriously and provide support when one of you is discouraged or weakening.
- Be tough with one another,
so that when the going gets rough, you can confront each other to stay on track.
- Reward each other's attendance
at group meetings and recognize that simply being there is a sign of wanting to change.
- Openly admit how hard it
is to change one's lifestyle.
- Brainstorm and share tips
on what works in getting through the rough stages and plateaus in the recovery process.
- Share insights and information to make the recovery process more palatable.
- Give permission to confront
each other in order to refocus on the serious and difficult task of recovery and change.
- Maintain and
encourage a sense of humor during the readjustment time of recovery lifestyle change.
Last Updated: January 19, 2009
source site: click here
The above information under the title of: Social Support In
Recovery was found at Livestrong.com. It was once located at www.coping.org which is now found within the newer site Livestrong.
James J Messina, PhD, is a licensed psychologist with more
than 35 years of experience counseling individuals and families. Messina, who specializes in adult and children psychotherapy,
serves as Director of Psychological Services at St. Joseph’s Children’s Hospital in Tampa, Fla. He has a private
practice in Tampa and is also a member of the American Psychological Association.
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January 11, 2003
How May I Support You?
by Ron McCray
By this time, visions of sugar
plums are no longer dancing in folks’ heads and once again people are engaged in “reality,” whatever that
may be for each of us. I tend to equate the actual arrival of each new year with the emotional equivalent of a hangover.
For those of you fortunate
enough not to have had a hangover, allow me to describe the feeling. Typically, there is a headache, general malaise, and an aversion to bright light especially sunlight, all resulting from
consuming too much holiday libation.
I don’t have those kinds
of hangovers any more, so what is this emotional hangover that I experience? It too is an aversion to the light – the
light of unconditional acceptance. After the hubbub of parties, gift exchanging, and sometimes frantic activities culminating in New Year’s Eve celebrations,
the dawn of the first day of the year has a certain stark appearance snapping me back to the reality there is a life out there
insisting on being led. It reminds me life is not about tinsel and preoccupation with material stuff. Life is what we came
here to do in the first place.
To say that the December holidays,
however they are celebrated, are mostly about cramming a lot of pseudo happiness into a couple of weeks before January 1st is a cliché. Just about every pundit worth his or her salt lambastes this season at one time or another, and it is tempting to do so once again. I choose not to. Instead
I would like to focus on something that happened to me very early in this new year and led to the title of this proposal:
How May I Support You?
First, some background is
relevant. I “coach” a lot of people over the phone and through email, and occasionally in person. I learn a lot
about what is happening in people’s lives, and if I can offer an ear or some knowledge relevant to the situation at
hand, I offer it with the warning it might apply or not to that person.
Like anything done frequently,
the coaching I do gets to be routine. “Learn to love yourself, take two meditations and call me in the morning,” is a facetious example but not too far from what I often
advise.
I got a call a few days ago
from someone who after reading some of my articles/commentaries sought coaching. The person talked for a while in response
to my typical question, “Tell me what’s going on with you.” Based on what the person was saying, I jumped
to the conclusion that this was one of those calls dealing with the very mystical and woo-woo-woo. I don’t do mystical
and woo-woo-woo (sometimes woo-woo is okay) because very frankly I don’t
understand it.
I simply do not relate to
statements regarding the 17th ascension of the house of Miramar in a crab nebula in the outer region of some galaxy. I do
not in any way discount anyone’s experience with such information. I just don’t get it, and if you do, I honor you, but please don’t expect me to relate to it in such a way that I can explain or interpret what is told to you or you experienced in those domains.
I am a spiritual fundamentalist;
that is not to say a religious fundamentalist. Spiritual fundamentalism for me is simply viewing human beings
as having the need to fully and unconditionally love and accept ourselves before we can make any real progress in evolving and walking our paths more directly.
However that happens is great,
and if channeling Ishmael from the galaxy of Fahtah is what moves you to go inside and heal your dark places, we all benefit
from your doing so. I have my own process that I personally use, and when appropriate, teach others. Back to the mystical
and woo-woo-woo call I got in early January…
After listening for a few
minutes, I told the person that I did not think that I was someone who could provide coaching based on what I heard. I explained
about being a spiritual fundamentalist and the limitations of how I work. I expected the person to say okay and end the call. The person did not and continued to describe the situation from a perspective I
could not relate to, so I hung out in the conversation and gave up trying to understand what was being related. Then the strangest thing happened.
First, I was engulfed in a
bath of energy and light snapping me out of my half-listening mode and energizing every cell in my body. No it was not the
caffeine I sipped while listening. It was better than caffeine. I experienced this sensation before but never while coaching.
Second, I started getting
“messages” for the person on the telephone. So I interrupted the person, and said something like, “I am
getting something that I you need to hear,” and repeated more or less what was told to me. The result was pretty amazing in the sense the person on the
other end of the phone immediately related to what I passed on. That’s not all…
Third, as I described what
I heard, I began to incorporate and interweave relevant practices and principles from my coaching “model.” The
effect for the person was even more powerful and made the resulting meaning and consequences of the information exactly what was needed at that time.
The person asked some questions,
and I answered them using what was told to me by spirit blended with what I knew. It was a balance of specific relevant information
for that person from Source interwoven with what I have learned over the years about healing and why we do what we do as humans.
What occurred was an overlay of personal and specific information for the person onto my fundamental understandings formulated over the years. It was incredibly powerful for the person and for me as well.
For several hours following
the conclusion of the call, I was in state of Grace. God touched my shoulder. The world seemed different, friendlier, brighter. I got that the question to ask someone is not, “Tell me what’s going on with you.” The question
really is, “How may I support you?”
I have my moments of intimacy with God, with Source, and up to this coaching call had separated those experiences from my direct contact with others except for
generalizing and crafting what I learned into homogenized practices and principles I call “understandings.”
This was different –
a real-time blending of understandings with what is real and relevant at the time as communicated to me for the other person. (To read a description of this form of coaching please click: Multidimensional Spiritual Coaching.)
The point of this proposal
is to ask the question of someone, “How may I support you?” Open yourself
to whatever the person says and open yourself to Source to learn what the person needs that he or she cannot access for themselves.
This is the great gift we
have for others. Healers often say the hardest people for whom to facilitate healing are themselves. Sometime it seems that
we can know what other people need to hear when they themselves cannot. I think I know why, but it is another exploration for another time.
This experience caused me
to realize that my spiritual new year hangover is cured by standing in the light of spirit, not shying away from it. This call, out of hundreds of calls and emails, brought me to the center of who we can be for others: a “source
for Source.” Each of has the ability to hear spirit; to discern what we hear and pass it along to whom it was intended.
Opening to the light and letting
whatever needs to come through, to come. Imagine how, through this simple act, we can enrich and forward the lives of others, and believe me, our own as well. It’s inexpensive, and it really, really works.
source site: click here
posted with the permission of the author
How do I find a local support group?
Many people find peer support a helpful tool that can aid in
their recovery. There are a variety of organizations that offer support groups for consumers, their family members and friends.
Some support groups are peer-led, while others may be led by a mental health professional.
Some organizations now offer on-line support groups, discussion
boards, and blogs as additional ways to connect with others in similar situations. These can be helpful additions to in-person
support groups and can be especially helpful if there are no groups in your area.
Your local Mental Health America affiliate is an excellent resource to assist you in finding support groups
in your area.
The following organizations also provide support group referrals:
The
American Self-Help Clearinghouse and the National Mental Health Consumers’ Self-Help Clearinghouse maintain listings of support groups on a broad range of mental
health topics. The National Mental Health Consumers' Self-Help Group Clearinghouse also maintains a Directory of Consumer-Driven Services.
Network of Care offers information including descriptions of community
treatment services, support groups, and other community services for the following states: Arizona, California,
Connecticut, Illinois, Iowa, Maryland, Missouri, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Tennessee,
Texas, Utah, Virginia, and Washington. For some states, information about all counties is currently included; for others only
some counties are currently listed. Click on your state, then click on Services (top right) to begin your search.
Specialized support group resources include:
- Adult Children of Alcoholics
- Al-Anon/Alateen
- Alcoholics Anonymous
- AlcoholScreening.org
- Alzheimer's Association
- American Association of Retired Persons Grief and Loss Information
- American Association of Suicidology: Support for family/friends that have lost a loved one to suicide
- Anxiety Disorders Association of America
- Attention Deficit Disorder Association
- Autism Society of America
- Brain Injury Association of America
- Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation
- Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder
- Children of Aging Parents (CAPS) at 1-800-227-7294 (Offers support groups in a number of states;
look at dropdown list accessible from Support tab on left hand side of the page. Also offers Caregiver Guide and other information)
- Co-Dependents Anonymous and link to locate meetings - or click here
- The Compassionate Friends Grief Support: After the death of a child (Use this link click here to find groups in your area)
- CoSLAA Support groups for family and friends of people who
have a sex addiction
- Debtors Anonymous
- Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
- Dual Recovery Anonymous: Support for those who have both a mental health and alcohol/substance
abuse problem
- Emotions Anonymous
- Federation of Families for Children’s Mental Health, a parent support and advocacy network
- Freedom from Fear (In addition to finding support groups, you can use the Finding
Help/Resources tab on left hand side to access on-line support, e-mail support, and blogs)
- Gamblers Anonymous
- Gift from Within: Article for partners (Support for both men and women with post-traumatic
stress disorder. Use the Trauma Support tab at the top of the page to access a wide variety of support options.)
- Hospice Foundation of America (Grief and Loss section includes link to find a local hospice
office using link from left-hand side of the page; many offices offer grief support groups. National hospice office can
be reached by calling 1-800-868-5171.)
- International Society for the Study of Dissociation
- Male Survivor (Discussion board and chat room for men who have been sexually
abused can be accessed from Survivors tab on left hand side of the page)
- Narcotics Anonymous
- The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): A family support and advocacy organization
- National Eating Disorders Association
- National Family Caregivers Association
- O.A.S.I.S. (Autism and Asperger Syndrome support group information for
both individuals and their family/friends; Support groups tab accessible from left-hand side of the page)
- Obsessive Compulsive Foundation
- Overeaters Anonymous Offer in-person, telephone, and on-line meetings
- Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
- Postpartum Support International and link to support resources in your area http://postpartum.net/local-support (National 24 hour Postpartum Depression Helpline 1.800.944.4PPD)
- Recovery Inc.
- S-Anon International Family Groups Support groups for family and friends of people who
have a sex addiction
- Schizophrenics Anonymous (Check the list of support groups found on the website and
then contact your local Mental Health America affiliate or your local NAMI to find whether the group is still active
and if so, when and where the group meets)
- Self Mutilators Anonymous
- Sex Addicts Anonymous (description of organization) and find a meeting link click here
- Sidran Institute (Extensive information and resources on ptsd, dissociative
disorder, trauma, and self injury; e-mail or call 1-888-825-8249 to request support group information)
- Survivors of Incest Anonymous (Use the SIA Groups and Intergroups options on the
left-hand side of the home page to find meeting information)
- The Arc (Support and information for people with mental retardation and
related developmental disabilities and their families)
- Tourette Syndrome Association, Inc.
- TARA Association for Personality Disorder: National Borderline Personality Disorder Resource and Referral
Center
- Trichotillomania Learning Center, Inc.
- Well Spouse Foundation
- Witness Justice (Information, resources, and on-line support for victims
of violence or trauma, their family and friends, and professionals)
Other helpful resources include:
- "Ater An Attempt" A practical guide developed for individuals who have
attempted suicide, their family/friends, and for mental health professionals.
- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has chapters around the country and offers a variety of information
and support resources for those who have lost a loved one to suicide.
- ARCH National Respite Network
- ATTACh at 866-453-8224 (Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children)
- Behavioral Tech, LLC (Information and resources for people with borderline personality
disorder and their friends and family)
- Borderline Personality Disorder Resource Center
- Families for Depression Awareness (Information about depression and bipolar disorder including how
to help someone who is depressed seek treatment and manage treatment, information for friends and family members about
taking care of themselves, downloadable Wellness Guides, as well as free brochures including "Helping Someone Who Is Depressed")
- Gateway to PTSD
- Geriatric Mental Health Foundation offers information on caregiving, mental health topics relating
to older adults, and a Depression Recovery Toolkit.
- GLBT National Help Center at 1-888-843-4564 (adults) and 1-800-246-7743 (adolescents)
Provides telephone and e-mail peer counseling as well as information and resources
- National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers
- National Center for PTSD offers "Returning from the War Zone: A Guide for Families
of Military Personnel"
- National Center for Trauma Informed Care
(NCTIC)
- National Child Traumatic Stress Network
- National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
- National Education Alliance for Borderline
Personality Disorder 914-835-9011
- NARSAD The Mental Health Research Association
(Information about schizophrenia
and depression for individuals and their families)
- National Women's Health Resource Center
(Broad range of downloadable
publications on depression in women of all ages including a detailed downloadable booklet on how to help someone
who is depressed)
- One Freedom offers information to help returning veterans and their
families
- S.A.F.E. Alternatives (Information and resources for
help with self injury)
- Schizophrenia.com
- Self Inflicted Violence (Website includes link
to sample newsletter The Cutting Edge)
- Suicide Prevention Resource Center
- Survivors Art Foundation (For trauma survivors)
- U.S. Vets (a non-profit organization
that helps homeless veterans access mental health and substance abuse services along with housing and other community supports
to achieve successful reintegration into the community. Current locations include California, Texas, Arizona, Washington DC,
Nevada, and Hawaii)
- Yellow Ribbon offers information and resources about suicide prevention for
teens, parents, and others. Has chapters in many states and some other countries as well as
support resources for those who have lost a loved one to suicide.
National Toll-Free 24 Hour Hotlines:
- Child-Help USA at 1-800-422-4453 Assists both child and adult survivors
of abuse, including sexual abuse. The hotline, staffed by mental health professionals, also provides treatment referrals.
- Covenant House Nineline at 1-800-999-9999 Crisis counselors are available to
talk with kids and with caregivers about all types of problems; also offer an on-line forum.
- Boys Town at 1-800-448-3000 Crisis, resource, and referral line
that assists both teens and parents
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) connects you with a 24
hour crisis center
Above information provided by the Mental Health America Resource
Center. You can reach us at 1-800-969-6642 or e-mail us.
For More Information:
For help finding treatment, support groups, medication information,
help paying for your medications, your local Mental Health America affiliate, and other mental health-related services in
your community, please click here to access our Frequently Asked Questions and Answers.
If you or someone you know is in crisis now,
seek help immediately. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to reach a 24 hour crisis center or dial 911 for immediate assistance.
source site: click here
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