Anxiety disorders previously linked only to fear

Most anxiety research focuses on the brain's fear circuits and it's easy to understand why. Fear, after all, is the problem in anxiety disorders. "When someone goes to a psychiatrist in terror or grinding anxiety, the doctor doesn't think about the patient's happiness issues," Dr. Rogan says.

Yet the neurobiology of happiness, which has generally been ignored by researchers as well as physicians, may be equally important in the disorders. "The missing part of our picture of anxiety is the good feelings associated with being safe and secure," Dr. Rogan says.

"But positive emotions are harder to study in
the lab than negative emotions like fear. How do you know when you've made a mouse feel safe and secure?"

The experiments described in the Neuron paper do exactly that. Michael Rogan trained mice to recognize that they were safe from danger (mild electrical shocks) when they heard a particular sound. He then recorded what happened in the mice brains before and after they heard the safety sound.

As expected, in accordance with previous theories, information about the safety sound traveled through the brain's fear circuits and reduced the amount of activity in the brain's fear center, the amygdala.

"Researchers have generally talked about safety in terms of a reduction of fear, and it's no surprise that we found that the safety sound reduces neural activity in the amygdala," Michael Rogan says.

But Rogan and Kandel also found that the safety signal traveled through other, previously unknown circuits that lead to the brain's caudoputamen, a region known to be involved in motivation and reward. This region became more active when the mice felt safe and secure.

"Our results show there's more to the feeling of safety and security than the simple absence of danger," Michael Rogan says. "We have found that there is another part of the brain that is involved in calculating how much protection or shelter is in the environment. Shelter is something that is independent of the presence or absence of danger, and it contributes to a sense of well being."

The next step, Rogan says, is to verify that the same safety circuits are present in people. He is now planning a brain imaging study that will look for activity in the caudoputamen of people conditioned to link a sound with safe conditions in the midst of aversive events (in this case, a blood-curdling human scream, not electrical shock).

Eric Kandel, the senior author of the paper, is University Professor and Kavli Professor at the Center for Neurobiology and Behavior at Columbia University, and a Senior Investigator at the Howard Hughes Medical Institute

Craig LeMoult
Columbia University Medical Center
20-Apr-2005

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What makes us safe?

This is a huge question posed by an email correspondent after the January Modest Proposal. It is also an excellent inquiry for me personally at this time, and I think, is for most of you at one time or another. What does make us safe?

I think the beginning of the answer to the question lies with first looking at what makes us fear thereby creating the desire to feel safe. This is an aspect of humankind that is very fascinating to me, and lies, I think, at the very core of how we behave, day-to-day, even moment-by-moment.

It is also the major block to loving acceptance of ourselves and others. So, if I live each day responding to big and small fears, what are the consequences? We all know them: anxiety, anger, frustration, hopelessness, helplessness – in short, a feeling of not being “safe.”

Let’s leave the fear part for a moment and deal with what is safe? Am I ever safe, really? Wherever I go, whatever I do involves risk. I could get struck by an oversized meteor, have a stroke or heart attack, or in the area where I live, serve as lunch for a mountain lion. In short, my physical body is never free of risk. Risk is omnipresent. Are fear and risk the same thing? No.

Risk is a given constant for human beings; fear is a reaction to the consciousness of risk. It is a story that I make up about WHAT might happen when I don’t know what IS going to happen. What I make up is usually more dire than what actually happens. With physical risk, I know the outcome: if I survived, what was the damage, if any, to my body? The results are simple to determine.

Other than driving, I don’t encounter many physical risks - haven’t seen a mountain lion yet. I do encounter psychological risks daily and frequently. “We need to talk,” is something that many of us have heard from bosses or lovers. It is an innocuous enough phrase and may simply be about finishing a report or taking out the trash, and there are all kinds of other stories forecasting what it “really means.” I choose a story that aligns with my judgments about my unworthiness, and I am suddenly fearful, anticipating the worst that could happen. What makes me safe?

FIRST, I have to recognize that there is no absolute physical safety for me as a human being. I can minimize my physical risk by not doing foolish things like saluting a gang of bikers with a common street gesture. How you and I live our lives in the physical world can be performed with the recognition of the inherent risks and their acceptance.

If I drive on a fast, crowded freeway, there is a chance that I will have an accident. Does that mean I should not drive on the freeway? No. It does mean that I can take measures to decrease the risk. I can have my car in safe condition, drive vigilantly, and not do anything dangerous like talking on my mobile phone while driving.

Fear can be present if I make up stories about what may happen while driving. If I tell myself they are just stories, and I don’t know what will happen, BUT more than likely I will arrive safely at my destination. Looking at the probable outcome instead of the fear-generated worst case adds to my sense of safety albeit does not make it guaranteed.

SECOND, I know that psychological risks pose a far greater challenge than physical ones for the simple reason that I often do not quickly know the outcome of risky psychological situations IF I ever know at all. I may need to tell someone something that I think will not be well received. I invent a fear story about the person’s reaction, and that alone may cause me to procrastinate and perhaps, if I can avoid doing so, never say what I need to say. This can go on literally for years. The fear engendered by the risk never goes away until the reason I need to say something is resolved, and the outcome is finally known. What then makes me safe?

I think there are several answers to that. I speak only for myself.

If I believe that ultimately my spiritual body cannot be harmed and is never truly at risk, then any human, earthly calamity that befalls me is only temporary and is really of no consequence. If I can remind myself in the moment of my fear that I am reacting to a story that is most likely fiction, not fact, then I can realistically look at the risk and accept it for what it is, not what I make up about it. In short, if I can recall that I am a spiritual being having a human existence, then I know that I am ultimately safe from physical and psychological risks. That is what makes me safe.

Be well,
Ron McCray

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posted with the permission of the author

Two things children need to grow up happy and secure There are many important things that go into raising a happy, secure, confident and enthusiastic child. But the more we talk to people, the more we see two clear items from which so many others come.

They are:

• Safety

• Permission

The Need to Feel Safe: Babies need to know first and foremost that they’re safe - meaning that they’ll be fed and properly clothed, they’ll be rocked, loved and treated gently, and they’ll be kept safe from harmful elements.

As babies grow, this need changes to accommodate new capabilities, but it remains their paramount concern. We suspect it likely remains so for the rest of their lives. Adults view family troubles differently than a child does.

Adults generally have a more complete understanding, more information, and better coping skills. Children, on the other hand, usually don't fully grasp what's happening or why. And since they’re naturally egocentric, they tend to believe everything is their fault.

Parents, therefore, must make a conscious effort to reassure the child that troubles are not their fault. When a young child asks, “Will you still take care of me when I’m grown up?” the child is traveling that thin line between the need for individuality and the need for safety.

In our view, this is not the time to explain about maturity, growing up and away, or living on one’s own.

This is the time to reassure: “We will always take care of you.” Children whose sense of security is damaged can spend the rest of their lives in a desperate (often unaware) scramble to regain it.

There are many situations that can shake or destroy a child’s sense of safety:

• Child is made to feel responsible for family troubles  

• A divorce, death, physical or mental illness, or substance-abuse problem within the family

• Absent, Inattentive, Overly critical, Cynical, Emotionally distant parents

• Volatile, Violent &/or sexually abusive environment (for child, parent, sibling, or friend)

• Abandonment

• Parents hover over child or smother child

• Child is forced to deny reality

• Child suffers traumatic event

• Parents love conditionally (child must behave in a certain way in order to be loved)

Children who don't feel safe can grow up displaying various characteristics, depending on their personal constitution, their support groups (if any), and their life experiences.

But common ones we’ve seen:

• Over-developed sense of responsibility

• Need for perfection in self and/or others

• Lack of trust in self and/or in others (perhaps displayed by apathy, insecurity, clinginess, arrogance, emotional distance, lying, apologizing, refusal to ask for or accept help)

• Self-destructive behaviors (such as eating disorders, acting out, violent behavior, substance-abuse problems, truancy, withdrawal, denial of own needs, negative behavior toward siblings, sexual promiscuity)

• Inability to love, or inability to form close relationships based on trust

• Fear of loss

• Obsessive-compulsive behaviors (hiding food, inability to throw things away, phobias, eating disorders, obsessive grooming, workaholism, etc.)

• Anger, bitterness, resentment, negativity, cynicism

The need for Permission to Become an Individual:

As babies grow into toddlers, preschoolers, children and teens, their need for safety doesn’t change, but it becomes increasingly coupled with a need for room to grow into individuals. This means they’ll still be fed and properly clothed, they’ll be loved and treated gently, and they’ll be kept safe from harmful elements – but now they’ll also receive permission to explore themselves, the world and their place in it.

Most especially, children need permission to be happy, even if you aren't. Adults view separation, individuality and rebellion differently than a child does. Adults don't generally get their sense of identity and self-worth from a child, but children depend on the adults around them for their sense of self – and thus are incredibly vulnerable to subtle suggestion.

If a child isn’t encouraged and/or allowed to blossom, it’s easy for the child to give up curiosity, enthusiasm, hope, and the natural need and inclination to communicate. The brains of babies and young children are incredible sponges – constantly soaking up new information.

Therefore, when a child asks, “Why do you…?” or “Why do we…?” or “How does that…?” or “Can I…?” the child is struggling to understand the world – how it works, what the rules are, how to cope, how to exist. In our view, a consistent response of “That’s just the way it is.” or “Because I said so.” or “Hush!” denies children the permission they need to remain curious, aware, and interested.

At a basic level, it denies them permission to be who they are. Asking questions isn't "nosiness." It isn't bad or threatening. It's simply the way children learn. We recommend that parents who don't know the answer to a question consider taking some time to help the child find out.

Parents who are embarrassed by a question might ask themselves if the embarrassment is something they want to pass on to their children. Perhaps they can consider such times as golden opportunities to gently teach their children appropriate social behavior. And when parents get tired of answering questions, they can explain this to their children and set aside a later time for discussing things.

Children who are denied permission to explore themselves and the world around them can spend their lives with a damaged or incomplete understanding of who they are. Confident children are allowed to:

• Ask questions
• Risk things, try new things
• Llearn new information
• Seek out a different or better way of doing things

Have a positive and hopeful view of the world and their future in it

• Talk about tough or personal issues

• Disagree and voice their own thoughts

• Trust their own emotions

• Trust self to make decisions

• Forgive self for making mistakes

• Be proud of an accomplishment, be proud of self, feel worthy on own merits

• Safely rebel

• Grow up and leave

• Be happy, even if you aren't

Children who don’t receive the necessary permission to become individuals can display various characteristics, depending on their personal constitution, their support groups (if any), and their life experiences.

But common ones we’ve seen:

• Looking for self-image, self-approval, and direction through others

• Unwillingness to try new things, to learn new things, to challenge the status quo or to risk anything

• Fear of asking for help; fear of being with others, fear of commitment, fear of being responsible for others

• Inability to develop relationships based on equality and trust

• Inability to see self honestly, inability to love and like self

• Need for perfection in self and/or others

• Lack of trust in self (perhaps displayed by apathy, insecurity, clinginess, arrogance, emotional distance, lying, apologizing)

• Self-destructive behaviors (such as eating disorders, acting out, violent or hateful behavior, substance-abuse problems, truancy, withdrawal, denial of own needs)

• Obsessive-compulsive behaviors (eating disorders, obsessive grooming, etc.)

• Anger, bitterness, resentment, negativity, cynicism

"Simple activities like a trip to the library or grocery store can help build your baby's brain."

Every parent wants a smart child. But until recently we believed that there wasn’t much we could do to help the brain develop. Most people believed that a child’s genes determined a basic level of intelligence, and little could be done to change it after birth.

Now we know that the brain does a lot of developing after birth. The basic brain cells are present at birth, but most of the connections between cells develop during the first 10 years or so of life.

As we learn more about how young brains develop, parents wonder what they can do to enhance their child’s brain development.

The Two Basic “Rules”
The developing brain needs two basics: safety and positive experiences. Parents who want to build their babies’ brain power should remember these two rules of thumb:

• Create a safe environment. When a baby feels stress, the brain responds by producing a chemical called cortisol. High levels of cortisol can slow brain development.
  
  You can reduce your baby’s stress by making his world safe, responsive, and predictable. Remove any physical threats. Respond when he cries. And create predictable daily routines so that he learns what to expect from his world.
  
  
• Provide enriching experiences. The brain learns best when it is challenged with new information and then compares the new with existing information. Exposing your baby to new things helps the brain strengthen old connections and make new ones. Even simple activities like a trip to the library or grocery store can help build your baby’s brain.
  
  But don’t overstimulate the baby. Too many new things, or experiences that are too challenging, will only frustrate your child and may create stress.
  
  Everyday Activities Are Important
  The good news is that building brain power isn’t difficult. Many of the things you already do as a parent contribute to your child’s brain development. Even simple activities like cuddling or reading are important. When you rock your baby, his brain builds the emotional connections that lead to healthier relationships. When you read aloud, the brain pathways for language and reading become stronger. These little things make a world of difference in brain development. Here are some more ideas to build your baby’s brain power:
• Get good prenatal care. Even before birth, the baby’s brain is developing. Pregnant women should eat a nutritious diet, avoid alcohol and other drugs, and have regular prenatal checkups.
  
  
• Pay attention to nutrition. A growing brain needs good nutrition to thrive. Breast milk provides the ideal nutritional balance for a baby. If you don’t breast-feed, feed your baby an iron-fortified infant formula. And always hold your baby when you feed her!
  
  
• Create a safe environment. Look at your baby’s world from his perspective. Are his surroundings clean? Are there dangers such as sharp objects or choking hazards? Does he always ride in a car safety seat?
  
  
• Talk to your baby. Make eye contact. Smile at her. Play rhyming games. Read aloud. Sing songs. As she gets older, ask questions and explain things to her. All of this helps build language skills.
  
  
• Find high-quality child care. Look for caregivers who provide a safe environment and enriching new experiences for your child.
  
  
• Expose your child to music. Play rich, complex music. Sing songs. Give your child chances to experiment with a wide variety of musical instruments.
  
  
• Limit television, and don’t use it as a babysitter. Children need interaction with real, live people to enhance their brain development.
  
  
• Help your child live a balanced life. Pay attention to the “whole child,” not just intellectual skills like talking and reading. Allow plenty of time for running, climbing and other physical play. Encourage creativity. Give your child chances to play with other children. Expose your child to enriching new experiences in all areas of life.
  
  
• Take care of yourself. Parents who are stressed tend to pass some of that stress on to their babies. And stress can slow brain development. So take some time for yourself. Find people who can support you as a parent. Talk to other parents about their experiences. The better you take care of yourself, the better equipped you will be to care for your baby.
  
  
• Get the information you need. Many resources are available to answer your questions about child development. Your pediatrician can answer many questions. Your child-care provider or local librarian may be able to suggest good books on child development. And the Family and Consumer Sciences agent in your county Extension Service office can give you more information on parenting. Don’t hesitate to ask questions!
  
  
• Remember, it’s never too late! The brain never stops developing. Children and adults of all ages can learn from new experiences.

Reprinted with permission from the University of Georgia. Bales, D. (1998). Building Baby's Brain: What Parents Can Do. Athens, GA: University of Georgia, College of Family and Consumer Sciences.

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Early childhood education and beyond: Teacher-child relationships and learning
HGSE Lecturer Jacqueline Zeller

Jacqueline Zeller's research and clinical work as a faculty member in HGSE's Risk and Prevention and School Counseling program highlight the role of teacher-child relationships. In this article and accompanying interview, Zeller discusses the importance of teacher-student relationships for building students' sense of security and the foundations for their learning success in school.

Learning outside the home begins early in life. Over a third of all U.S. children under the age of five are cared for outside of their homes by individuals not related to them.¹

Research on early childhood education shows that high-quality child care experiences support the development of social and academic skills that facilitate children's later success in school. There is also mounting evidence that close relationships between teachers and children are an important part of creating high-quality care environments and positive child outcomes.

As most parents and teachers know, children gain increasing control over their emotions, attention, and behavior across the early years. These growing abilities allow them to face and overcome new developmental challenges, from getting along with others to learning novel academic skills.²

Despite their growing abilities, preschoolers sometimes find it difficult to regulate their thoughts and emotions in ways that allow them to succeed at new tasks. At these times, close relationships with meaningful adults, including teachers, can help children learn to regulate their own behavior.

The sense of safety and security afforded by close relationships with teachers provides children with a steady footing to support them through developmental challenges. This support may help the child work through a new academic challenge, such as learning to write a new letter of the alphabet; or the close relationship may help the child maintain a previously learned skill when confronted with a challenging new context.

For instance, a child who is quite socially adept during circle time (a prior skill) might have more difficulty navigating these social interactions when he or she is over-tired from a missed nap (a challenging context).

“The sense of safety and security afforded by close relationships with teachers provides children with a steady footing to support them through developmental challenges.”

In either case, when children "internalize" their teachers as reliable sources of support, they are more successful at overcoming challenges.

In fact, having emotionally close relationships with child-care providers as a toddler has been linked with more positive social behavior and more complex play later as a preschooler.³

Kindergartners with close teacher relationships have been shown to be more engaged in classroom activities, have better attitudes about school, and demonstrate better academic performance⁴ . Thus, teacher-child relationships appear to be an important part of children's social and academic success in school.

Jacqueline Zeller's applied work in Boston Public Schools and her research have been informed by this literature on teacher-student relationships. In the following interview, Zeller discusses the importance of teacher-student relationships for building students' sense of security and facilitating their readiness to learn at school.

Interview

Q-What led you to study and consult regarding building positive teacher-student relationships?

Before beginning graduate school in psychology, my experiences teaching in elementary schools led me to believe that the relationships between children and teachers are powerful mechanisms for change.

When students felt that I believed in them and supported their growth, they felt more confident both academically and socially at school. This belief was further strengthened in my graduate studies, as I began to apply attachment theories to teacher-child relationships.

I decided to study how teachers' characteristics and children's characteristics work together to predict relationship quality, incorporating an attachment perspective. At that same time, I was working in schools, which was a natural venue for me to apply attachment theories to my consultation work, as I tried to help teachers in their efforts to join effectively with their students.

Q-Why do you think socio-emotional development is important to discuss with regard to schools?

Often, we discuss social and emotional development very distinctly from academic growth. However, these ideas are very much intertwined. When children feel more secure at school, they are more prepared to learn.

Children who feel this level of security are also generally more open to share how their lives outside of school are connected with ideas introduced in their classrooms. Educators have noted that these personal anecdotes help children build the foundations for literacy.

Q-What do you think is important to think about when reflecting on teacher-student relationships?

Earlier research examining teacher-student relationships has tended to focus on how student's individual characteristics affect their relationships with teachers. While the individual characteristics that students bring to their relationships are very important, we know that as adults, we also bring experiences, beliefs, and characteristics that affect quality of relationships.

It is important to consider what each individual brings to the relationship and how the relationship is affected by the contexts in which it is embedded. Most people relate easier with some children over others, but as adults in relationships with youth it is important that we reflect on what we bring to the table and seek support when we need it to most effectively help children and adolescents.

Q- How do you feel that these principles match with your training of students in HGSE's Risk and Prevention and School Counseling program?

A primary goal of the Risk and Prevention and School Counseling Program at HGSE is to train future practitioners who practice prevention and intervention in school settings. We know that children and adolescents do not exist in a vacuum, but rather are bound by their contexts, including their home, schools, and neighborhoods.

Students in our program are encouraged to understand how children's experiences are a function of these contexts. A major part of children's school contexts is their classroom environments and relationships with their teachers.

Currently, in addition to teaching at Harvard, I work as a clinician at an elementary school. I try to bring perspectives from my practice work to my courses at HGSE to provide some examples of how these theories are applied in real-world settings.

Similarly, at their practicum sites, our students are encouraged to partner with children's teachers to foster safe and supportive relationships between teachers and children.

Q-What are your hopes for where research and practice is heading in this field?

My hope is that researchers continue to examine these relationships contextually and reciprocally, acknowledging the complexity of these relationships. Reflective practice is important to understand how we as adults can help shape children and adolescents' contexts to facilitate their healthy development.

Schools have increasing demands placed upon them with each passing year, so providing time for teachers and school staff to discuss and reflect on their relationships can be very difficult.

However, I hope that as we continue to understand the powerful implications of these relationships for children, schools will protect time for teachers to discuss these relationships with colleagues, school psychologists, mentors, and consultants.

¹ Johnson, J.0 (2005). Current population report: Who's minding the kids? Child care arrangements: Winter 2002. Washington, DC: U.S. Census Bureau. Available online at http://www.census.gov/prod/2005pubs/p70-101.pdf.

² Blair, C. (2002). School readiness: Integrating cognition and emotion in a neurobiological conceptualization of children's functioning at school entry. American Psychologist, 57, 111–127.

³ Howes, C., Matheson, C.C., & Hamilton, C.E. (1994). Maternal, teacher, and child care history correlates of children's relationships with peers. Child Development, 65, 264-273.

⁴ Birch, S. H., & Ladd, G. W. (1997). The teacher-child relationship and children's early school adjustment. Journal of School Psychology, 35, 61-79.

Article written and interview conducted by Daniel Berry, doctoral student in Human Development and Psychology at HGSE

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Put me in the Game, Coach!

What do successful CEOs, happy homemakers, and professional ballplayers have in common? They all benefit from having a coach to help them fulfill their goals and dreams. The techniques that enhance relationships and bring satisfaction for executives are also powerful tools for parenting.

Why do families need coaches?
Training and raising a child can be as challenging as managing a little league baseball team! As a parent, you may not have had a healthy role model to follow. You may have learned your parenting skills through trial and error.

After all, parenthood doesn’t come with a training manual. Or does it? Parent coaching is a relatively new but rapidly growing vocation especially aimed at helping parents build and maintain close, healthy relationships with their children. The coaching process looks at circumstances in the family’s life and provides mentoring for parents and children.

It teaches personal growth through honest assessment of one’s life and goals. It looks at obstacles or challenges, and then creates a course of action to make life more pleasant for the whole family. It creates a win-win solution thereby lessening conflict and trauma that may have to be dealt with in a counselor’s office later on.

Loss of Team Players
Today’s families are scattered across the globe. The network of close family ties are sometimes weakened or lost through divorce, relocation, job demands and other changes. Even when you do have close access to family members who have “been-there-done-that”, you may not get the best advice from them.

For example, Aunt Suzie may tell you that your child is acting up because you divorced her father. She may tell you that you should have stayed married no matter what. The marriage may have seemed ideal to her. What your aunt doesn’t realize is that you and your daughter are both better off without the man who was verbally and emotionally abusing you.

Coaching will look at the physical, emotional, social and spiritual aspects of a situation. A coach will support your decision and help you and your daughter adjust to being a single-parent family.

Social Struggles
Parenting is difficult due to our society. Competition for social and economic status may upset your child. Peer pressure and feeling accepted and safe at school may distract from the learning experience. The school system tries to force every child into a mold rather than honoring them as individuals.

The media may challenge your values at home. Broken promises, unfaithful friends, gender and racial and sexual slurs may jeopardize your child's efforts to cope. The result may be surface as problems in family relationships, lowered self-esteem, and low grades in school. These problems indicate an area where coaching is needed, and where you may need to take action.

Unhealthy Pre-Season
A child’s beliefs about herself and the world are usually set in place by eight years of age. The role of most counselors is to solve the problems that arise as a result of unhealthy experiences in the earlier years. Well-meaning adults may underestimate the divine potential within each child.

Sometimes parents try to mold their children into what they think they should be. This may destroy the child’s ability to hear and follow their internal guidance. Coaching helps both the parent and the child follow Divine guidance. This promotes well-being and healthy self-esteem.

Parents usually seek a counselor to help them change their child's bad behavior. By then the child or teenager may be angry and rebellious, and parents may be ready to give up. Many of these children end up on medication or in boarding schools without finding out why the child or teenager is misbehaving.

We cannot change anyone else. The goal of parent coaching is to control or change the situation, not the child. Rather than trying to change our children, we should ask how we may change ourselves and overcome our own fears or lack of confidence.

Specific instances where parent coaching may be helpful
Your children fight constantly and you are tired of playing referee.

Fighting among brothers and sisters is common. It is normal in healthy families because it teaches kids how to get along with one another. As adults we have learned skills for settling our differences. We learned that by standing up for ourselves and butting heads with our siblings or playmates.

A parent’s job is not to solve their children’s problems. It is to teach them how to solve their own problems. The aim of coaching is to help children take control of their lives and to think beyond the present moment. We all must realize that we are responsible for the impact our decisions have upon ourselves, the environment and other people.

Your child has a habit of lying.

Everyone wants to hear the truth about what a person is thinking, feeling or doing. No one likes being lied to. When children tell lies and make up stories the reason may be because they are afraid of telling the truth. Maybe he fears being punished.

A coach will show you ways to express your disagreement about a particular behavior, while still showing love and acceptance to your child. This will help your child feel safe enough to tell the truth even if he disagrees with your expectation of him. A coach will also look for other reasons why the child feels insecure and distrustful of the world around them.

The coach will also examine your method of dealing with the child. If a child feels criticized or fears punishment she will try to hide her actions. Letting the child know that there will always be love and acceptance will keep the channel open for honest communication.

Your daughter is disrespectful of you and other adults.

“Honor thy sons and daughters.” That sounds opposite to what we’ve been taught. Yes, children should be taught to honor their parents and elders, but how can a child learn to honor others if they have never received honor or respect?

No matter how young the child is he deserves to be spoken to with reason and logic. Even if the child cannot understand all that you are saying, he will feel that he is being respected. Respect builds self-esteem and confidence, which are building blocks for becoming joyful, well-adjusted citizens who live in integrity with them and their environment.

What Should I Look for in a Parenting Coach?
A coach should be someone who is not associated with your family or workplace, someone who will help you see your own potential, set goals and choose action steps, and then hold you accountable to staying on track.

A coach is able to connect you with people and information, and offer objective feedback or another perspective. They do not give counseling, but may refer you to a therapist if you need to work on certain issues or help you get “unstuck”. A coach should encourage you to empower and affirm yourself. A coach will always tell you the truth and expect you to do the same.

How Do I Get on the Team?
You don’t have to wait until problems arise to connect with a coach. In fact, having resources in place and being familiar with the coach ahead of time will ease any tension associated with getting help when it is required. In seeking a coach, find a discerning person who offers support and boosts your confidence while offering sound advice.

Perhaps you are ready to be a parenting coach. Caron B. Goode, Ed.D. DAPA, NCC, is the founder of the Academy for Coaching Parents International (ACPI). She is a family therapist, parenting author and mother who has developed a comprehensive training program for people interested in becoming coaches for parents. While the Academy’s parent coaches are not trained in specific methods, there is an underlying set of principles to guide you towards becoming involved in community parenting. See www.ACPI.com or phone 817-847-8758 for more information.

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