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I Am Suspicious, Should I Trust My Feelings?

For the most part, people tend to be very trusting. All of the evidence indicates that most people believe what they are told, especially when a loved one is doing the talking (see, Levine and McCornack).

But, it is important to point out that some people are generally more suspicious of their partners (dismissing attachment). And suspicious people often see things more accurately (see, Levine and McCornack). Suspicious people are NOT better at reading their partners' body language; rather suspicious individuals are just more negative/cynical, so they are more likely to notice problems WHEN they really exist.

Alternatively, if you are a trusting individual (secure attachment), that does not necessarily mean that you are being told the truth. Rather it works like this: trusting people tend to see the truth better than suspicious people, and suspicious people tend to see a partner’s lies better than trusting individuals. Neither group is particularly good at reading their partners' behavior. Both groups are biased - just in different directions.

Accurately detecting deception isn’t based on skill; it is based on making the right guess (detecting deception). So trusting people are better at spotting the truth, and suspicious people are better at spotting lies.

Does this mean you should trust your feelings?

If you are a trusting person and you find yourself being suspicious – that may be worth pursuing further. But, if your always suspicious, then that is much less informative.

Unfortunately, there are no clear-cut rules to follow when it comes to determining if a loved one is telling the truth.

source site: click here

Suspicious Pattern

Behavior

Mistrustful, hypervigilant

Acts very cautious about being vulnerable in any way

Searches out evidence of hidden hostility or negative intent in others; collects evidence of this

May even provoke others in order to bring this out in the open, though it often causes the hostility, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy

Doubts other people’s competence, ability to follow through, truthfulness, caring, positive feelings

Looks past people’s images or what they say to what is underneath

May stay withdrawn or isolated to avoid being hurt

Afraid of something being used against him later

Motivation

Expects others to have hidden hostility, judgement, rejection, etc.

Need to protect oneself, especially by getting it out in the open

Core Issues/Origins

Betrayal: Parent was caring and loving at times, leading the child to be open and vulnerable, and then at other times the parent was just the opposite

The child shares sensitive information with the parent, and it is used against him later

May also come from abandonment

Deception: Child is told that the parent is feeling positively toward the child when there is underlying hostility

Parent erects a positive persona that fools the outside world, but is harmful to child inside the home.

Can be internalized from suspicious parents

Conscious Statement

You can’t trust anyone

Unconscious Thought

If I trust, I will be harmed

Representations

Self: Protective, careful, perceptive

Other: Deceiving, betraying, hidden hostility

Sees Others As

Hidden dangers

Healthy Capacities Blocked

Trust, vulnerability, responsiveness, caring, belonging, commitment

Gender and Culture

More common in men

More common in groups that have been discriminated against, especially in cover ways

Activating Conditions

People who are outwardly warm and friendly or who offer help

People who don’t show any anger directly or who otherwise clearly have a facade

People who have underlying anger

Distinctions

A suspicious person may be angry, but the angry pattern can derive from many other sources.

Isolated people also have difficulty trusting or allowing vulnerability, but they aren’t afraid of hidden motives, they are afraid of closeness.

Defiant people may also be cautious and guarded, but they react to direct exercise of power rather than a fear of hidden power

Perceptiveness is a healthy capacity that can help a person to see hidden hostility or negative intent. When this is seen accurately, this is not a suspicious pattern. When a person repeatedly sees it when it isn’t there or looks for it or over-reacts to it, this is evidence of a suspicious pattern.

RELATED PATTERNS

The suspicious person is likely to have conflicts with people with charming, compliant, caring, and idealizing patterns.

PSYCHOTHERAPY

Related Technical Concepts

Extreme is paranoid personality disorder, which usually also includes angry victim and prideful patterns

Transference

Client doesn’t trust therapist

Expects that you have underlying anger, etc.

Afraid that at some point in the future you will turn on him

Countertransference toward Suspicious Client

Defensiveness and irritation at accusations and suspicions

Becoming angry when client provokes you

Countertransference of Suspicious Therapist

Too much focus on looking for underlying manipulation or projection or hidden hostile intent in clients

Group Roles/Positions, Strengths of Some Suspicious Clients

Scapegoat because of provoking people

Group sleuth, searching out underlying issues

TREATMENT

Forming the Alliance

If the client accuses you of hidden negative feelings, it is usually best to acknowledge whatever is there. This can permit enough trust for the client to engage in the therapy.

It is also important that you completely accept the client’s lack of trust, with no defensiveness.

Understanding of Pattern Needed by Client

That his suspicions are distorted. However, this cannot be achieved by anything direct from you. Don’t try to correct his distortions. This will just seem defensive and confirm his suspicions.

Accessing Core Issues and Origins

Betrayal, deception

Help the client to explore exactly how he doesn’t trust you, what he is afraid of. Lead this back to accessing origins in a way that doesn’t invalidate the client’s feelings about you.

Any access that involves vulnerability or shame is very delicate, because the client may expect this to be used against him later.

Experimenting with Healthy Behavior

Revealing sensitive issues

Healing Relationship

No response in the moment can be healing because the client expects to be betrayed later. The client must see over the long haul that you can be trusted. This is fostered by your being as honest as possible and not harboring hidden hostility. If the client provokes this in you, it may be better to admit it openly. This should allow you to develop a relationship that is close with no betrayal or deceit

source site: click here

Borderline Personality Disorder – What is it?

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a condition that begins in early childhood, but is often not fully displayed until young adulthood (early to mid 20s). “It is a common disorder with estimates running as high as 10-14 % of the general population,” states Richard J. Corelli, M.D. of Stanford.

The cause of BPD is not fully understood, but some authorities believe it may be a result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. These chemicals (neurotransmitters) help balance mood, genetic and environmental influences. This mental health disorder is more common among people whose family members also have BPD. It is also noted that people who have developed this disorder have suffered a major trauma in early childhood. The trauma may be physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, neglect or perhaps a stressful or disturbing detachment from a parent.

Borderline Personality Disorder – What are the Symptoms?
Sufferers of Borderline Personality Disorder display symptoms of unstable emotions, impulsiveness, wavering self-image, difficulty controlling anger, intense feelings of rejection/abandonment, and are very often self-mutilating. They also battle emotions of depression, eating disorders, and/or substance abuse. BPD victims frequently cut or burn themselves. Many, especially in the earlier years, have plaguing thoughts of suicide and repeated suicide attempts.

Their erratic behaviors usually result in unstable relationships with others. This intensifies their feelings of emptiness, anger, and guilt-ridden despair. A borderline may also have temporary periods of feeling suspicious of others without provocation (paranoia). Other common features may be displays of temper tantrums and physical fights.

One report from BPD Central quotes a victim of this disorder as saying, “Being a borderline feels like eternal hell. Nothing less. Pain, anger, confusion, hurt, never knowing how I’m gonna feel from one minute to the next. Hurting because I hurt those who I love. Feeling misunderstood. Analyzing everything. Nothing gives me pleasure. Once in a great while I will get “Too happy” and then anxious because of that. Then I self-medicate with alcohol. Then I physically hurt myself. Then I feel guilty because of that. Shame. Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I’d feel too much guilt for those I’d hurt, and then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or O.D. to make all the feelings go away. Stress!”

Borderline Personality Disorder – How is it treated?
Borderline Personality Disorder treatment can be difficult, but medications can be used to reduce some of the symptoms. At times a combination of medications is helpful. The most widely prescribed are antidepressants and mood stabilizers. In addition, atypical anti-psychotics may help reduce reckless and impulsive behaviors. It is also noted that after about 10 years of treatment, about half of those diagnosed no longer have the behaviors of BPD.

The majority of those with the disorder become gradually more stable in their emotions, relationships, and jobs when they reach the ages between 30 and 40 years.

If you think you might have BPD, seek medical and emotional help. Refrain from self-diagnosis and instead, seek help from professionals experienced in treating BPD. Many people have also found emotional help from a Christian counselor or local church leader. It is important to know that God loves you and wants to help you. Psalm 91:4 reads, “He [God] will shield you with his wings. He will shelter you with his feathers. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.”

source site: click here

Are You Suspicious?

Alternatives to Spying on Your Spouse

By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com

If you have suspicions that your spouse is having an affair, you may be wondering what to do. Here are some suggestions to help you cope with your suspicious thoughts and alternatives to spying on your partner.

Don't make any rash decisions or jump to conclusions. Although statistics show that 85% of women, and 50% of men eventually discover their suspicions were right and their spouse was cheating, you could be wrong.
Ask yourself some questions: Do you believe your spouse is committed to your relationship? Do you think your partner would share with you any feelings of discontent or unhappiness in your marriage? Is your mate capable of breaking the vows you made to one another? Do you have intense feelings of jealousy or mistrust?

Discuss your concerns with your spouse. Don't accuse. Make sure you use "I" comments, such as "I'm concerned about you not calling me when you said you would on your last business trip" or "When I washed your clothes, I discovered some disturbing things in your pockets."
Avoid walking on eggshells around your partner. Don't become pathetic, whiny, weak, or dependent.
Be specific about what you won't tolerate such as lying, secret meetings, emotional intimacy, and sharing confidences with someone your mate feels a sexual chemistry.
When you confront your spouse with your suspicions, share both what is making you uncomfortable and your love for your spouse. State your hope that your marriage can survive this crisis of mistrust, but that you won't tolerate sharing your mate with someone else.
Stop snooping around for evidence in your mate's email, phone records, visa statements, etc. If you are consumed with fear and worry about your spouse's behavior, do you really see any future with this person? If you can't trust your partner without spying, why are you still married? Your money and time would be better spent seeking marriage counseling.
Trust your intuition. Your gut instinct is probably right.
Get tested for HIV/AIDS and other STDs. This is not only for your physical health, but also for your own peace of mind.
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Nipping infidelity in the bud gives your marriage a fighting chance. However, you should prepare yourself financially, legally, emotionally, and mentally for the fact that your marriage may not survive.
Together, take an honest look at your marriage. When was the last time the two of you had fun together? How would you rate your sex life? Do you ever take romantic trips together? Do you listen to one another? Do you fight fairly? Are you both happy with your marriage? Do you respect and like one another?
If your spouse refuses to seek help for your marriage, or is very vague when discussing your questions, this type of evasive behavior could be your answer. This puts the ball in your court and you will need to decide what you want to do with your future.

source site: click here

Common Negative Feelings

Dignity/
Respect/Self-Worth

Ashamed
Beaten down
Cut down
Criticized
Dehumanized
Disrespected
Embarrassed
Humiliated
Inferior
Insulted
Invalidated
Labeled
Lectured to
Mocked
Offended
Put down
Resentful
Ridiculed
Stereotyped
Teased
Underestimated
Worthless

Freedom/Control

Bossed around
Controlled
Imprisoned
Inhibited
Forced
Manipulated
Obligated
Over-controlled
Over-ruled
Powerless
Pressured
Restricted
Suffocated
Trapped

Love/Connection/
Importance

Abandoned
Alone
Brushed off
Confused
Disapproved of
Discouraged
Ignored
Insignificant
Invisible
Left out
Lonely
Misunderstood
Neglected
Rejected
Uncared about
Unheard
Unknown
Unimportant
Uninformed
Unloved
Unsupported
Unwanted

Justice/Truth

Accused
Cheated
Falsely accused
Guilt-tripped
Interrogated
Judged
Lied about
Lied to
Misled
Punished
Robbed

Safety

Abused
Afraid
Attacked
Defensive
Frightened
Insecure
Intimidated
Over-protected
Scared
Terrified
Threatened
Under-protected
Unsafe
Violated

Trust

Cynical
Guarded
Skeptical
Suspicious
Untrusted
Untrusting

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please have a great day & take a few minutes to explore some of the other sites in the emotional feelings network of sites! explore the unresolved emotions & feelings that may be the cause of some of your pain & hurt... be curious & open to new possibilities! thanks again for visiting at feeling emotional, 5!

emotional feelings - emotional feelings, 2 - emotional feelings, 3 - emotional feelings 4 - feeling emotional - feeling emotional, too - feeling emotional, 3 - feeling emotional, 4 - extremely emotional - no longer functioning - a new site will open soon! - your unemotional side - your unemotional side 2 - the layer down under - more layers down under - the layer down under that - the self pages - night eating - teenscene - angels & princesses - changes 101 - more changes - different religions - parental alienation - life skills 101 (not published yet) - physical you 101 - abuse 101 - children 101 - try recovering 101

anxieties 101 - click here!

anxieties 102 - click here!

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until next time: consider yourself hugged by a friend today!

til' next time! kathleen

**disclaimer**

this is simply an informational website concerning emotions & feelings. it does not advise anyone to perform methods -treatments - practice described within, endorse methods described anywhere within or advise any visitor with medical or psychological treatment that should be considered only thru a medical doctor, medical professional, or mental health professional. in no way are we a medical professional or mental health professional.

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