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 Tolerance
By Robert Perry, the Official
Guide To A Course in Miracles
Our standards for how things ought to be
are among our most prized possessions. In our eyes, the fact that we have high standards demonstrates that we are a quality
person. Our high standards appear to elevate us far above those people who think anything is good, those people who have no
taste.
Our standards are, in turn, the basis for our judgments, by which we decide what to select and what to reject. If something is in keeping with our high standards we select it as worthy and acceptable. If something is beneath our standards we reject it. The higher our standards, then, the narrower the range of what we judge to be acceptable, and the broader the range of what we reject as beneath us.
This, in short, is the ugly side of high standards and discriminating
judgment. They lead directly to intolerance. The more selective we are, the
more intolerant we become. Our judgments decide how narrowly a situation must fit our expectations before we become agitated and upset. They establish how narrow is the range in which people must operate if they are to win our love and approval. They end up causing the people in our lives to feel the ache of not being accepted as they are.
Thus, even while we take pride in our intolerance, I think we also feel ashamed by it. It is just another form of being unloving, and we know it. Judgment rejects; that’s what it’s designed to do. And who likes to think of themselves as a rejecting person?
A Course in Miracles* teaches that profound tolerance is a character trait of the psychologically mature
and spiritually advanced. The key, it says, to reaching this tolerance lies in reaching
a state beyond judgment, beyond selection and rejection.
The following two lines speak movingly of this state:
A state of imperturbable tranquility and universal embrace - who has not wanted such a state? Who of us, in some secret place inside, does not dream of
greeting life with a tolerance as wide as the ocean?
But
how do we get beyond judgment? A Course in Miracles says that the truly honest mind humbly admits that it is simply not in a position to judge. It realizes that the infinite is beyond its grasp, and recognizes that the infinite is confronting it within each specific situation throughout every day.
We
still have to make judgments, to decide whether to go right or left, to decide which opinion to embrace and which to let go. But, says the Course, if we can stand before the infinite in each situation in humble admission that we don’t know, the infinite will flow into our minds and tell us what to do.
* A Course in Miracles is a modern spiritual classic. It is aimed at training
our minds to shift our perception from resentment to forgiveness, which it sees as the gateway to enlightenment. Its teachings blend Christianity, Eastern wisdom, and modern psychology with its own original themes.
click here to visit the source page and read more about the author!
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Romantic Tolerance
What your partner's shortcomings can teach you
By Joan Borysenko, PhD , Joan Borysenko, PhD, is a scientist, psychologist, inspirational
speaker, and author of Inner Peace for Busy Women and Inner Peace for Busy People.
When
I'm stressed-out, I tend to get irritable, short-tempered, and a tad sarcastic. If my husband, Gordon, says, "Hey, honey, do you want to go to a movie later?" I might
reply, "Sure, how about sometime in the next century when my work is finally done?" In past relationships, my snippy behavior
has occasionally caused hard feelings. But with Gordon, it's not a problem. He loves and accepts me even when my best self is temporarily MIA. Rather than interpreting my remark as an attack, he sees it as a call for love and support. His compassionate response - often just a heartfelt hug - usually helps me put down my work for a few minutes and focus on him.
We all
have less than sterling traits, and so do our loved ones. Learning to view them in a more understanding light is one of the best Valentine's Day gifts you can give your partner. According to the late University of Washington psychologist Neil Jacobson, PhD, co-founder of integrative behavioral couples therapy, accepting each other's flaws not only increases intimacy and relationship satisfaction, but it also has a hidden bonus:
When
no longer pressed to change, a third of partners finally do, research shows. As my mother used to say, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Another
surprising dividend for the accepter, by the way, is a peaceful heart - whether or not the other person changes.
Over the
past 15 years, as I've facilitated a hundred or more workshops for women, I've heard the same complaints over and over. Here
are some of the most common flaws women see in their partners, along with my advice on how to come to terms with them.
He's
a Slob If a man is capable of building a house, launching a rocket, or fixing a car, many women wonder, why can't he change a roll of toilet paper?
Or wipe the kitchen counter? You don't need a PhD to know that women tend to do more housework than men do. But Brown University
research found that "inequity in the division of household labor has a greater impact on distress than does the amount of household labor." In other words, his unwillingness to pitch in probably bothers you even more than
the mess he makes.
But beyond
pointing out the crumbs in the bed and asking nicely for help, what can you do? First, try humor. When the toilet paper runs out, my friend Loretta LaRoche suggests hanging a roll around your neck like a pendant and hiding
the rest. If your husband asks where the toilet paper is, reply, "Well, I don't know where yours is. I've got mine."
Next,
consider paying someone to clean your house if you can afford it. Finally, try re-framing the situation. If you're distressed by dusty knickknacks and cluttered closets and he's not, he's clearly not sweating the small stuff...and you are. That's
a particularly male form of balance, but maybe you could learn from it.
He
Doesn't Communicate Usually, women are more open and talkative than men, although there's a spectrum of communication styles in both sexes. Research by Ronald F. Levant, EdD, of the University of Akron, suggests that boys and girls are born
with the capacity to be equally expressive but are socialized differently.
Mothers
tend to expose baby girls to a wider range of emotions than baby boys, and they work harder to control their sons' emotional volatility; fathers speak in more emotional terms with daughters than with sons. This kind of research
can turn anger into empathy: Maybe the man in your life became the silent type because he was discouraged from expressing vulnerable emotions.
But you shouldn't interpret
his silence as a lack of interest in you. If you trust that he really loves you, perhaps you can notice how he communicates his love nonverbally. Going out in the snow to brush off your car or taking you to a restaurant when you need a break is a legitimate way to say I love you.
My friend Martha once spoke
wistfully of her quiet but loving ex-husband: "Hal was a great man," she said. "He was just a lousy woman." Had she accepted him as he was and sought all the caring talk she needed from her girlfriends, their marriage might have survived.
He's Cheap When
my son Andrei was born, I was expecting a big bouquet from my then-husband. Instead, he came to the hospital with the potted philodendron from our kitchen window.
My hormones were already in an uproar, but the disappointment of not getting flowers after 12 hours in labor sent me over the edge. I was furious.
He, on the other
hand, couldn't understand the big deal. He knew that I loved the philodendron and thought I'd enjoy its company. And flowers just wilt, so why waste the money? His parents had immigrated
to the United States when he was 7 years old and had supported their children on very little. My husband's frugality was a way of ensuring that our growing family would always have enough,
too. When I realized that, I stopped carping at him.
He's Too Busy
Julie, a former client, was married to a minister named Tom. He worked long hours and often talked to parishioners in the
evening. Julie felt like everyone else's needs trumped hers, and she joked that it was no picnic being married to Mother Teresa in drag.
One day, we were
talking about forgiveness - that it was less about condoning someone else's behavior and more about transforming the forgiver into a more compassionate person. Julie took that conversation to heart. Instead of blaming Tom for being too busy, she decided to honor and support his special spiritual gifts. As it happened, Tom felt so cared for that he found ways to lighten his schedule and spend more time with her.
Learning to love your lover's flaws doesn't necessarily mean that he'll change his behavior. But you will definitely change. You'll develop more trust, intimacy, and compassion - and in learning to accept your lover's imperfections, you'll eventually get better at accepting your own.
See Flaws in a New Light
- Write your lover a Valentine
that includes a specific appreciation for any empathy, curiosity, or kindness he's shown toward your shortcomings.
- Give your lover a special gift that celebrates your differences. If you despise loud concerts and he loves them, for instance, get a pair of Coldplay or Bruce Springsteen tickets to let him know that your love is big enough to enjoy a night of wearing earplugs because you take pleasure in his happiness.
- Make a list of your imperfections and invite your lover to make a list of his own. Get a good bottle of champagne (or ginger
ale) and toast each item as a teacher of tolerance and love.
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