|
The following information was found at www.coping.org! It's a fantastic site and I highly recommend you go there to see it all for yourself. You may
find some very useful information!
 
Building Trust
The following information is from www.coping.org a very good website, by the way! It's from their "Tools for Personal Growth" section! click here for the source page!
What is trust?
Trust is:
-
Letting others know your feelings, emotions & reactions & having the confidence in them to respect you & to not take advantage of you.
-
Sharing your inner feelings & thoughts with others with the belief that they will not spread them indiscriminately.
-
Placing confidence in others so that they will be supportive & reinforcing of you, even if you let down your "strong'' mask & show your weaknesses.
-
Assuming that others will not intentionally hurt or abuse you if you should make an error or a mistake.
-
The inner sense of acceptance you have of others with whom you are able to share secrets, knowing they are safe.
-
The sense that things are fine; that nothing can disrupt the bond between you & the other.
-
The ability to let others into your life so that you & they can create a relationship built on an understanding of mutual respect, caring & concern to assist one another in growing & maturing independently.
-
The glue or cement of relationships that allows you to need others to fulfill yourself.
-
Opening yourself up to let others in on your background, problems, concerns & mistakes with the assurance
that they will not ostracize you because of these things.
-
The act of placing
yourself in the vulnerable position of relying on others to treat you in a fair, open & honest way.
Why do people have trouble developing trust in others?
People have trouble developing trust
if they have:
-
Experienced
a great deal of emotional and/or physical abuse and/or neglect.
-
Been chronically
put down for the way they feel or for what they believe.
-
Been emotionally
hurt in the past and are not willing to risk getting hurt in the future.
-
Had problem
relationships in the past where they were belittled, misunderstood, or ignored.
-
Experienced
the loss of a loved one through death. They can get so caught up in unresolved grief that they are unable to open themselves
up to others, fearing they will be left alone again due to death, or, abandonment.
-
Experienced
a hostile or bitter divorce, separation, or end of a relationship. They may be unable to believe anyone who opens up to them
in a new, committed relationship.
-
Been reared
in or have lived in an environment emotionally and/or physically unpredictable and volatile.
-
Experienced
a great deal of pain at the hands of another. Even if the other finally recognizes and accepts the responsibility to change
such behavior, the person fears that if they let their guard down, the pain and hurt will begin again.
-
Low self-esteem
and can't believe that they are deserving of the attention, care, and concern of anyone. They have problems even trusting the positive, healthy, and reinforcing behavior of another who is sincere.
-
Experienced
a great deal of non-provoked victimization in their lives. They are unwilling to trust people, situations, or institutions for fear
of being victimized again.
What are some beliefs of people who have problems trusting?
-
I have
been hurt too much in the past, and I refuse to be hurt again now or in the future!
-
People
are out to get all they can from you, so avoid them to survive!
-
As soon
as you let your guard down, you will be stepped on again!
-
No one
is to be trusted!
-
You always
get hurt by the ones you love!
-
I get
no respect from anyone!
-
All men
(or women) are dishonest and are never to be
trusted!
-
Everyone
is out to get me!
-
I am never
successful in picking partners, so why try again!
-
As soon
as you care and open up to someone, they will always leave you!
-
Marriage is the pits!
-
There
is no such thing as a healthy relationship!
-
You can
never let your guard down because all hell will break loose!
-
All reformations
are short-lived!
-
If I give
in and believe you have truly changed, relaxing my defenses, I am most certainly going to be hurt again once you backslide!
-
There
is no such thing as change in behavior. It is only manipulation by others to get their way with you!
-
Everyone
is out to get as much as they can out of you!
-
There
is no such thing as a fair employer, generous company, or supportive work place!
-
It is
better to live alone for the rest of my life than to risk being hurt as I was!
-
I
will never let you know my true feelings again since, if I do open up, I'm afraid you will use them against me to hurt me!
What behavioral traits do people need in order to develop trust?
People need
to develop the following behavior traits, attitudes, and beliefs in order to develop
trust:
Hope in the goodness of mankind:
Without such hope people can become emotionally stuck,
reclusive, and isolated. Hope in goodness is a change based on the willingness to take a risk that all people are not evil,
bad, or ill-willed.
Faith in the fairness of life: This faith
in fairness is similar to the "boomerang belief,'' that what you throw out to others will come back to you eventually in life.
So if people are fair, honest, or nurturing they will eventually receive similar behavior aimed back at them.
Having faith in fairness is an attitude that helps people be open to others and risk being vulnerable. They believe that the person who treats them negatively will eventually ``get it in the end!'' and be punished in someway
later in this life or in the next.
Belief in a power greater than yourself: This is the acceptance
of a spiritual power with greater strength, wisdom, and knowledge than you; one with a divine plan to include your experience, whatever you will encounter in life.
Rather than believing that you are 100% in control of your destiny, belief
in this spiritual power enables you to let go of over responsibility, guilt, and anger. This lets you accept God's will in
your life and enables you to let go of your distrust and isolation from others.
If God is in control of the universe, you can lighten your load and let God
do some of the leading in your life. "Let go and let God,'' can be your motto.
A healing environment: This is the creating of a trust bond
with the significant others in your personal life where blaming, accusing, and acrimony do not exist. In the healing mode
the participants actively use forgiveness, understanding, and healthy communication to resolve problems and issues.
The participants are then willing to forget, to let go, and to release themselves of the past
hurts, wounds, and pain, opening themselves to trust one another.
Reduction of a sense of competition:
This reducing of competition, jealousy, and defensiveness
with significant others in your life is a way to reduce the barriers between you and them. The lowering of these psychological
barriers is essential to the movement toward development of mutual trust.
Self-disclosure of negative self-scripts:
Your disclosing of your inability to feel good about
yourself and your perceived lack of healthy self-esteem are essential in reducing miscommunication or misunderstanding between
you and the significant others in your life.
This self-disclosure reveals to the others your perspective on obstacles you believe you bring
to relationships. This sheds the mask of self-defensiveness and allows the other to know you as you know yourself. It is easier
to trust that which is real than that which is unreal or hidden.
Taking a risk to be open to others: This enables you to become
a real person to others. It is an essential behavior in trust-building between two people
because it is the establishing of the parameters of strengths and weaknesses on which you have to draw as the relationship
develops.
Becoming vulnerable: This enables you to be hurt by others who
know your weaknesses and strengths. This is an essential step in trust-building between
people. It lays the cards on the table in a gamble that in such total self-revelation the others will accept you for who you
really are rather than for who they want you to be. In order to get to full self-disclosure you must take the risk to be vulnerable to others. This is an important building block in trust development.
Letting go of fear: Fear restricts your actions with
others. Letting go frees you of behavioral constraints that can immobilize your emotional development. Fear of rejection,
fear of failure, fear of caring, fear of success, fear of being hurt, fear of the unknown, and fear of intimacy are blocks to the development of trust
relationships and can impede relationship growth if not given appropriate attention and remedial action.
Self-acceptance: Accepting who you
are and what your potential is an important step in letting down your guard enough to develop a
trusting relationship with others.
If you
are so insecure in your identity that you are unable to accept yourself first, how can you achieve the self-revelation
necessary to develop trust? Self-acceptance through an active program of self-affirmation
and self-love is a key to the development of trust.
What steps can be taken to improve trust
building?
Step 1: Read the material in this section and answer the following questions
in your journal:
a. Am
I lacking trust in persons, groups, or institutions? If yes, in which persons, groups, or
institutions do I lack trust? How does this lack of trust manifest
itself? This lack of trust looks like:
b. Why do I lack trust
in the persons, groups, or institutions listed in "a?''
c. What beliefs do I hold that are behind my lack of trust in the persons, groups, or institutions
listed in "a?''
d. What new behavior trait(s) do I need to acquire or develop in order to develop trust in the person, group, or institution listed
in "a?''
Step 2: Now you should have a good idea of where your
lack of trust lies. Why is this so? To change some beliefs and to remediate this situation:
a. Take the beliefs in Step 1c & use the Tools for Personal Growth "refuting Irrational Beliefs'' model to get replacement beliefs. Let go of the old beliefs.
b. Take
the new behavior listed in Step 1d, and use the Self-affirmation
process in Tools for Personal Growth to make the new beliefs real for you.
Step 3: Once you have let go of your irrational beliefs
and have begun affirming new personal beliefs, try one or both of the following exercises to assist your development of trust:
a. Letter writing: To a person
you have problems trusting, write a letter listing your reasons for the lack of trust, list the feelings and beliefs that block your trust, and ask the person to understand and assist you in this problem.
Tell the person
what you are willing to do and to commit to in order to change this situation.
Also,
tell the person what you are unwilling to do because of your personal integrity. Once you have written the letter you have three choices:
(1) send it,
(2) save it, or
(3) rip it up and throw
it away.
No matter what
your choice is, you have spent the time to think out this problem and have identified your feelings, beliefs, and the behavior involved. You have cleared your own ``air waves,'' even if you never send the letter.
b. Trust walk:
Ask the individual you have been having problems trusting to share at least ninety minutes
together. During this time you and the person will each take thirty minute turns being "blinded'' with a cloth and led by
the "sighted'' person on a walk in a park, mall, neighborhood, or building.
The sighted person
must give clear, precise verbal instructions and must not hold on to or grab the "blinded'' person. The "blinded'' person
is allowed only to hold on to the left upper or lower arm or elbow of the "sighted'' person.
The "blinded''
person can ask as many questions as needed. The "blinded'' person does not determine the route of the walk. The "sighted'' guide determines the route and destination
of this walk. At the end of the first thirty minute walk, the two people exchange roles and blindfold and proceed with the
second part of the walk for another thirty minutes.
When both parties
have played both roles, they should spend at least another thirty minutes discussing:
(1) How comfortable was I in trusting you?
(2) How
comfortable was I in the "sighted" role?
(3) How
comfortable was I in the "blinded'' role?
(4) How important was mutual trust in making the trust-walk successful?
(5) What were my feelings as I was being blindfolded?
(6) What were my feelings as the "sighted'' guide?
(7) How
clear were my verbal instructions for you?
(8) How could I have improved my guidance?
(9) How willing were you to accept my guidance?
(10) What
does this experience tell us about our trust of one another?
(11) What
does this experience tell me about my fear of loss of personal control?
(12) What
does this experience tell us about changes we need to make to develop mutual trust?
(13) How
willing are we to take a trust-walk once a month or until we have established a healthy level of trust in one another?
(14) What are the remaining
blocks to developing a sense of trust between us?
(15) What are we willing to do to continue developing our sense of trust?
Step 4: If after completing Steps 1, 2, and 3 you still have problems developing trust in a person, group, or institution, return to Step 1 and begin again.
 I'd like to thank www.coping.org again for use of the above information! They're some great folks there with some invaluable information!
Creating Abundance Through Trust
By Jane Straus
Dear Jane,
I know I have fears about money which probably keep me from having more money. But how do I break this vicious cycle?
How do we trust enough to trust? It’s a loan or
at least a dilemma. My friend James told me how he recently worked with his fears and limiting beliefs around money.
For six years he had been “at a loss”- literally, unable to figure out why he was living in poverty while everyone around him seemed to manifest abundance so easily. A few weeks
ago, he decided to stop asking why and started to simply “walk the walk” of abundance. It started with his awareness that he was out of integrity with himself and his church. His church asks its members to agree to tithe 10% of their earnings
to charity. Although he had made the agreement, he had been skimping, telling himself that he didn’t have enough money
for food or rent so how could he possibly give 10%?
When he confronted this, he
made a decision to tithe 10% anyway, even if it meant going hungry. He made one other behavioral change to stop reinforcing his fear of lack. He stopped letting his gas tank get dangerously close to empty or even running out of gas. From the moment he stopped
letting the fear of lack control him, his business began to boom. Within two weeks, he was booked with work for the next three months and has since given
the overflow to other contractors.
So how do we trust enough
to trust God / the Universe? This is where faith and “working in concert” come in. Faith
|
