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 Speaking Your Truth Without Blame or Judgment
By Dr. Margaret Paul
March 16, 2009
Do you wait too long to speak up for yourself? Do you find that by the time you
finally say something, you are irritated or angry? All that can change when you learn to speak up for yourself immediately.
How often have you become irritated or angry, given yourself
up, started to argue or debate, teach or explain, or withdrew when someone was treating you badly - ordering you around, judging
you, blaming you, or dumping their complaints or negativity on you? How often have you behaved in any of these protective,
controlling ways when someone is unknowingly interrupting you when you are trying to focus on something or get something done?
How do you end up feeling when you behave in any of these ways?
The chances are you end up feeling angry, hurt, anxious,
depressed, or numbed out. It is easy to believe that these feelings are coming from the other person's behavior toward you,
but this is not the case. Your unhappy feelings are coming from not taking loving care of yourself.
For example, Madison
consulted with me because she was feeling depressed. She and Andrew had been married for 12 years. She loved Andrew and felt
that they had a deep soul connection. Yet she was often unhappy around him.
"Andrew can be very critical. As soon as
something doesn't go his way, he tends to take it out on me, finding some way to blame me for the situation. If I interrupt
him at something, he gets extremely annoyed, but if I just get a little annoyed when he interrupts me, like he does lots of
times when we are together in the evening and I'm writing in my journal, he gets really angry."
"How do you generally
handle these situations?" I asked her.
"I've tried different things. Sometimes I try to get him to see what he is doing.
Sometimes I just get quiet, and sometime I try to pacify him."
"How do you feel when you do these things?"
"Lousy.
If I say anything it often leads to an argument, and if I don't I end up feeling badly. It seems like a no-win to me."
"Madison,
when Andrew is critical or interrupts you when you are writing in your journal, how long does it take you before you realize
that it is bothering you?"
"I realize it right away, but most of the time I don't do anything about it. I guess I hope
that he will just stop if I don't respond. But he doesn’t seem to get the hint - he just goes right on being critical
or talking at me."
"So by the time you say anything, you are irritated, is that right?"
"Yes."
"And then
he reacts to your irritation?"
"Yes, and gets mad."
"What do you think would happen if you attended to your
feelings and immediately said something, before you were irritated?"
"I think that would be much better. The few times
I've done that, Andrew reacts well. When I'm able to say something like, "Honey, can you hold on a sec? I'm in the middle
of something," he is fine."
"What do you think stops you from speaking your truth right away, so that you can say it
without blame or judgment?"
"I think I'm not caring enough about how I feel. I'm immediately aware when I don't like
something, but somehow I seem to discount my feelings until I'm irritated."
Madison decided to stop discounting her
feelings and to practice speaking her truth immediately. She found that when she spoke her truth right away, she could do
it without blame or judgment. Things between her and Andrew dramatically improved. Madison was surprised to discover that
she had been being just as critical as Andrew. Once she started to speak up for herself from her loving Adult self rather
than from her ego wounded self, her depression went away.
Creating an Honest, Truthful Relationship
One
of the greatest joys and challenges of conscious, intimate relationships is that when we answer the call to love, we are invited to expand upon who we think we are, who we have been and what we feel and think we are capable of. We are invited by forces larger than ourselves to become a more complete, fuller, more loving human being. We are asked to participate in a process that is at once mysterious, exhilarating and terrifying.
When
we answer this most compelling call, a part of us dives headlong into the fray, eager for the possibility of a deeper, more intimate connection than we have experienced before. Recent research indicates that during the early stages of being in love, our brains may secrete a powerful amphetamine-like neurotransmitter called phenylethylamine, bathing our central nervous system with an overdose of nature's
most potent love cocktail.
We
are filled with ecstasy and vision and all our circuits are brilliantly lit up. In this heavenly state we are
capable of extraordinary acts of unselfish love and caring that occur almost effortlessly.
When
we return to earth, however, we are left with our vision of who we can be and the reality of who we think we are. The call to love is always to go deeper and farther than before and if we choose to answer the call, we will inevitably be confronted with
a series of choices.
One
choice is to make a conscious decision of how committed we are to the truth. Have you been committed to truth in your previous relationships?
If
not, what was the consequence of not committing to truth? And now that you' re in a new relationship, are you going to make a conscious
commitment for the fullest, deepest, most honest connection you can or are you going to settle for less than that?
How
far do you want to try to go together? We encourage couples to discuss this openly and consciously, rather than let it play out unconsciously and indirectly as it so often does.
Every
time we act and speak from truth, we invite our partner to do the same. Our journey
continues to expand and deepen. The equation is simple:
Truth = Love = Deeper Connection
= Expansion = Greater Opening to Spirit.
But
if commitment to truth brings such wonderful things to our lives, why is it so rare and so hard?
Why are there so many lies, so many affairs, so much hurt and anger being acted out indirectly?
Whenever
we consider lying to ourselves or our partners, we generally do so to protect some part of ourselves which feels afraid or inadequate. We want to appear better than we are and a little white lie won't hurt anyway, we tell ourselves. It's not really a big deal. What they don't know won't hurt them.
We
believe it IS a big deal if you compromise and limit the vision of love that the two of you have been called to create. It IS a big deal if you damage the foundation of trust which underlies any successful partnership. It IS a big deal if you re-create patterns of secrets and hiding that you learned in your families of origin. It IS a big
deal if you set a precedent of withholding or distorting the honest reality that you experience individually and together.
Each
time that we distort the truth, we constrict and limit our original call to love and restrict the depth of what we can become. We slip back into the cocoon of our limiting beliefs about ourselves and what we are capable of as human beings.
When
we work with couples and encourage them to make a solid commitment to the truth, they often say things like, ''Well I'm afraid to tell her what I really feel... she might leave me'' or ''If he knew that I had done that, he'll hate me forever, so I can't tell him'' or ''If she knew that I wanted to do X, Y and Z sexually, she'd think I was sick.''
At
the core, it's always a fear that the truth will not set you free but will unleash a torrent of anger or rejection. But if your relationship cannot handle the truth, then what do you have anyway? If you
and your partner are merely colluding with each other to stay in safe territory and avoid difficult issues, then you are settling for much less than what your call to love has invited you to experience.
Commitment to the truth can be uncomfortable and scary at times, but it is also the surest path to ongoing growth and deepening connection available to conscious relationship partners. We encourage everyone to make that commitment and pass it on through words and deeds to your children.
If you have struggled
with this in the past, be honest about that. And take steps to understand why you might have been less than honest. What healing needs to take place within you so that you no longer need to hide or appear different than who you really are?
And
remember, the commitment to the truth is not a commitment to always talking about something negative! The truth can be how grateful you feel to be in this relationship or how wonderful it feels to be with someone who shares your vision of an intimate relationship.
We
are all capable of greater acts of love and truth than we may believe. We are all capable of being more honest, more clear, more loving, more unselfish. By honoring the original vision that called us to love at this time, we can commit to the truth of what we are experiencing and commit to communicating it to our partners on a regular basis. That is the process that truly will set you and your partner free - to experience the deepest and highest connection possible.
If you or your partner are having difficulty manifesting truth and honesty in your relationship,
or there has been a betrayal of trust in the past or present, call us at (248) 546-0407 and let us show you how you can heal
the hurts and resentments from the past and create a healthy, loving relationship that will last a lifetime.
source site: click here
Anger as the Teacher of Truth
By Patricia A'dagata
August
15, 2008
A look at how the anger process helps us open to learning and uncover the truth.
What happened
the first time somebody mentioned the anger process? Was your initial response, "I can't do that" or "I won't do that?" Entangled in this resistance is often the belief
that if one were to open to the anger within it would be endless or it would end up causing harm to self or others. Part of the judgment of anger as bad comes from the fact that most of us have only experienced it from the energy it possesses when done by a wounded,
abandoned child in order to control others. The anger process provides the opportunity to experience anger as the teacher and healer that it can be.
For those that have taken the risk to step into the anger process and face the false belief that anger is only destructive there has been a new experience, the experience of anger as the teacher of truth. It is important to remember that anger is an emotion and as with all emotions it is information. When we feel anger it is because we are attempting to control self or others into hearing, respecting and caring about us rather then tuning
in and making sure that we are hearing ourselves. What happens when we step into compassion for self? What happens when we
step into compassion for the angry part and we give it voice to tell us what is really happening? In the moment of making the decision to be responsible for
our anger rather then acting out of it we can stop, step back and choose to empower ourselves with the anger process.
Each of the three steps of the process provides an opportunity to acknowledge and hear the truth.
Step one allows the loving adult to accept and validate the child's anger. This step can be a way of understanding how the patterns of wounding have moved forward from the past and are presenting themselves in our life today. It helps us
to move through the shame, blame and guilt that we may be trying to place on others. It allows us to listen for where the
old beliefs and wounds are clouding our vision of the present.
During step two we speak about the past and how the abuses, neglect and abandonment caused deep levels of pain and fear. It
is a chance to speak what needed to be spoken then. To scream, cry and curse without restriction or judgment. Within those
words one will find the false beliefs and wounds that were the outcome of the anger and abuse of the past. Old beliefs that we didn't know existed can be uncovered or clarity and a deeper understanding of
known beliefs are obtained.
Step three then brings the final truth home, the truth that we, as grown adults, are responsible
for our feelings. Even though we were hurt in the past it is really our choices that are continuing the pain of the present.
When we take that truth and become aware of the ways we are treating ourselves that are
either similar to the way out primary caregivers treated us or are based on the false beliefs created from abuse we are empowered
to change this. We can no longer act from the place of ignorance because we have brought ourselves knowledge and with knowledge
we gain truth.
We can always choose to do the anger process. It is a process that is best done alone or with the support of a facilitator who understands and can listen without
taking in the anger. This process can be a powerful loving action that the Loving Adult engages in to take care of self. Imagine yourself angry to the point of raging and suddenly guidance steps in and you hear, "do the anger process." You disengage from the interaction
and find a way to do the process safely. You move through it one step at a time. The emotions, the anger flowing from your body and suddenly you understand why you were feeling them and even more important you hear the loving
action to take for yourself. There is no better moment then to know that peace. The anger released in this way does not come back and live inside you as guilt or shame because you've acted out at another. Instead
it is released and replaced with truth and love. When you return to the engagement, ready
to take the necessary loving action(s) you will do so from a place that is in integrity with your essence. What better experience
of truth can one have?
So I invite you to read about the anger process, watch the videos and most importantly be willing to take the risk of allowing yourself an opportunity to express
your anger with the full intention to learn. When you open to compassion for the anger it will know that you are ready, willing and able to learn from it. The biggest truth that
I know is that the more one does the anger process the less it is needed!
source site: www.innerbonding.com
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What I've Discovered About Truth
by Kathleen Howe
Something happened to me when I was a little girl that taught me a very bad lesson. It doesn't
matter what the exact experience was, but it was because of poor parenting skills that my mother had. The end result: I had
no idea of the importance of the truth.
Living an entire lifetime and raising five children without understanding the importance of
the truth has been a disaster. How can anyone live a life of integrity without truth? And so after six years in my personal
growth recovery journey I've come to understand the very importance of relying on the truth in your life.
Living without truth inspires fear. This is my number one reason that people must live in
"the truth." Living in fear wreaks havoc on ones' life. Always being afraid of something is no way to live. It leads to even
more negativity. Fear is a larger than life opponent. Once you've allowed the Fear Monster to take over your life - you've
started a three dimensional lair of darkness that will take you years to tear down. Fear can affect everything you do including
breathing.
Living in fear can affect you physically. Your physical health will begin to go downhill fast.
There's all kinds of aches, pains and phantom illnesses that haunt people who are living in the realm of intense fear. I myself
lived through double vision, a false case of carpal tunnel, and attacks so violent that in one year I went to the emergency
room 326 days with pain in my solar plexus so severe, they were worse than childbirth.
I developed allergies to almost everything. I became high accident prone. Fear can affect
all relationships you attempt. Lying will kill trust between you and every friend and relative you have ever had. Once you
get caught in a lie - it spirals and lies start sprouting up everywhere around you until you don't know what's a lie and what's
the truth. Living in fear can cause confusion.
Living in a confused state of mind can be very detrimental to ones ability to live in a safe
environment. Making decisions in a foggy state of mind can be very hurtful and some decisions can be irreversible. Living
in confusion can affect everyone around you. It's not a good thing. Trying to cope with fear and confusion can cause you to
become addicted to alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex, pornography, shopping, gambling, and so many more dangerous things that
will ultimately hurt you.
So finally, when you're living in the truth... you're free of worry, fear and confusion. You
know what's true and what's not true. It's that simple. Once people know that you live in the truth, they expect the truth
from you. Sometimes the truth hurts, but if people know you are truthful, they respect you for it. They can take the bad with
the good. They'd be angry and upset with you if you just lied to them because you didn't want to hurt their feelings.
Living in the truth solves most problems. It's incredibly difficult to get there after living
lies your entire life, but so worth the effort. If you tell people your current goal is to live in the truth, they will most
likely validate you and the hard work you're putting into it. They'll all tell you that they wish they could live in the truth
because the truth would set them free!
I'm telling you to drop the lies. Just stop lying because it's easier. One day just tell yourself
... hey man, today is the first time I'm going to try to tell the truth all day long. Write down your record times in a journal.
Keep track of how long you go through the day before you tell a lie. You'll be surprised. Find the strength inside of you
to tell the truth.
What can people do to you if you tell the truth? Hate you? Maybe, but they'd hate you even
more for lying.
Following These 4 Powerful Truths Will Lead You to a More Fulfilled Life
by Daniel Herzner
There
have been many books written over the years on the topic of success and abundant living; many more than can be reasonably
counted. And the future is sure to see many, many additional books of the same genre. As long as the human race continues
to persist, there will always remain a demand for self-help guidance.
Each book written on this topic provides insight
from the author's point of view. What this means is that much of what is written on the topic of success is not necessarily
right nor can it be immediately discounted as false. It simply means that you, as a unique individual, can choose to adopt
that which makes the most sense to you.
At the same time however, there exists a number of truths about success which
are as undeniable as the fact that the earth is round. There never was, nor will there ever be, an author who could write
a book to dispute these truths of success.
Adopting these common truths is a prerequisite to living a successful, more
abundant life. For attempting to reach your greatest heights without first adopting these truths is like still insisting that
the earth is flat. Having said that, here are 4 of these undeniable truths of success.
Success Truth #1
Believe
In Yourself - It really makes no difference what beliefs you may've formed for yourself. Your beliefs are what you will act
on whether they are true or false. If you doubt your abilities, you’re defeating yourself before you’ve even begun.
When you doubt your abilities your mind will attract circumstances to support your beliefs and eventually, you will fail.
Success simply is not possible unless you have a committed belief that you can achieve it and you deserve it.
Success
Truth #2
Eliminate Unproductive Mind Chatter - A big part of the problem unsuccessful people face today stems from their
childhood. We are each born into this world ostensibly as lumps of clay to be molded as we grow. Who does the molding are
authority figures such as our parents, teachers and other adults in general. We are molded by these authority figures in large
part by what they say to us. All too often we were raised hearing such things as "you can't have your cake and eat it too"
or "we're poor but at least we're honest". If you've grown up hearing these and other counterproductive statements it's up
to you to identify them, eliminate them and never let them back into your thoughts ever again.
Success Truth #3
Stay
Tuned In To Life's Lessons - Life itself is the most complete, comprehensive teacher you could ever hope for. Life is constantly
teaching you valuable lessons either directly or through others. Most people stumble through life oblivious to the signs,
signals and lessons being constantly offered them. Those most successful amongst us recognize life as the incredible teacher
she is and stay tuned in to her many wonderful lessons.
Success Truth #4
Focus On The Needs Of Others - If one of
your life's desires is to be a successful entrepreneur then pay particular attention to this truth. Ask any successful entrepreneur
and he or she will tell you that they'd built their business around helping others to solve their problems. You can get everything
you want in life by helping others to get what it is they want in life.
These are only four of the many undeniable
truths integral to a success filled life. If you truly wish to live a life of success and abundance then what you need to
do is practice the habits of the successful. One of those habits is this: successful people are on a perpetual quest to better
themselves. They make learning and discovery a habit.
Even though you've just been given 4 truths to success there
are many, many more waiting to be discovered. Now get out there and discover them for yourself, you are worth it!
Author's Bio
Get the book
FREE: This article is based on the book "A PLUM IN THE SYRUP: 17 Observations, Suggestions And Truths You Can Adopt To Live
A More Fulfilled Life." In his book, author Daniel Herzner delivers practical advice which anybody can use to live more successfully.
To get a free copy of this empowering, 92 page book please visit: APlumInTheSyrup.com
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