|
The following information was found at www.coping.org! It's a fantastic site and I highly recommend you go there to see it all for yourself. You may
find some very useful information!
Overcoming the Role of Victim or Martyr
10 differences between being a martyr or a victim?
1. Martyrs are people who recognize they are being taken advantage of and choose to remain in the situation.
Victims are people who are taken advantage of but are unaware of being treated as such. Once victims recognize that they are being treated unfairly, they have the choice of remaining in the situation or not. If they stay, they risk becoming martyrs.
2. Martyrs are those who recognize that their rights are ignored and abused but choose to remain in the situation and continue to be treated this way.
Victims are individuals whose rights are ignored and abused but were unaware that they would be treated in this manner before they entered the situation.
3. Martyrs are people who let others know how unfairly they are being treated but choose to remain in this unfair position.
Victims are people who let others know they have been treated unfairly. They have the chance to leave or change the situation in which they have been victimized. Victims often
suffer silently for long periods of time before they are able to verbalize the unfairness of their life situations.
4. Martyrs often knowingly continue to enable or set up situations in which their rights are violated or ignored. This "setting up" is like a prediction or prophecy of failure into which, consciously or unconsciously, the martyrs play, fulfilling the prophecy.
Victims often unknowingly set themselves up for continued abuse and violation of their rights. They are often confused and bewildered as to why this occurs. They lack insight into the actions that bring
on this abuse.
5. Martyrs often seek sympathy for their plight. They seek support, advice, and help from others. Yet they seem stuck in their current course of action and seem to be unable to resolve it.
Victims frequently never seek
help. They are often frustrated and lost as to what needs to be done to get them out of their current situation. Once victims have been offered help
and make a conscious choice to remain stuck in their situation, they become martyrs.
6. Martyrs frequently let the
people whom they feel are taking advantage of them know how badly they're being treated. Martyrs
often resort to badgering, nagging, scolding, threatening, belittling, antagonizing, and verbally putting down those whom they perceive to be taking advantage of them.
Victims rarely let the people
who are taking advantage of them know how they feel about this treatment.
7. Martyrs often believe it
is their obligation to remain in their position in life. They would feel guilty if they let go of the current situation. They fear taking the risk to change the situation. They are apparently comfortable, habituated, or submissive to the situation and believe a change would be worse for them and for the others in their lives.
Victims often want a change and are desperate for a solution to their situation. As soon as a victim gives in to a situation, choosing
not to resolve or correct it, they become martyrs. The saying, "If you are not part of the
solution, you are part of the problem," applies to the martyr's state in life.
8. Martyrs have a story line
which is stereotypic and habitual. They rarely change their tales of woe. One can meet them several years later and find them still suffering from the fate they were experiencing
when you last talked to them.
Victims experience their plight
temporarily, get help, and are more apt to get out of the situation. If after getting help and changing, victims experience the same problems later, they could be martyrs
at that time.
9. Martyrs often mask their
behavior with an aura of willingness and desire for behavioral change in their lives. Usually they are only fooling themselves, since the others in their lives can see by their behavior and attitude that there is no possibility of change.
Victims usually are open and honest about their discomfort and willingly seek behavioral change. Their sincerity is easily perceived by others due to the actions and behavioral changes that take place.
10. Martyrs are "professional"
help seekers. They make the rounds of paid and volunteer helpers, advice givers, counselors, consultants, anyone willing to listen to their tale of woe. Unfortunately, they usually ignore the assistance, advice, or direction they are given. This frequently results in their "helpers" giving up on them in frustration and discouragement.
Victims, on the other hand,
seek help in a "crisis" only after the pressure of their problems becomes too great for them to bear. They are highly motivated for a "change" and are rewarding people to work with as they and their helpers witness the benefits of the help, advice, and direction
given.
A comparison of victim
& martyr characteristics
|
Victim |
|
Martyr |
|
1. Usually
has short-term problem |
|
Long-term problem |
|
2. Motivated to change |
|
Stuck in their problem |
|
3.Rights violated by others
|
|
Rights violated by others |
|
4. Didn't choose the problem |
|
Chooses to remain in problem situation |
|
5. Never complains |
|
Complains
all the time |
|
6. Lacks insight into problem |
|
Frequently
has insight into the problem |
|
7. Unknowingly plays an active part in the problem |
|
Frequently
knowingly plays an active part in the problem |
|
8. Doesn't often seek help |
|
Seeks
help all the time |
|
9. Wants to "let go'' of problem |
|
"Holds on
to'' the problem |
|
10. Guilt
free |
|
Guilt driven
|
|
11. Solution oriented |
|
Problem
oriented |
|
12. Powerless
due to lack of knowledge |
|
Powerless
out of a free will choice to be so |
|
13. Unique
problem |
|
Stereotypic,
with habitual problems |
|
14. Sincere desire to change |
|
Mask of
sincerity |
|
15. Honest to self and others about
the problem |
|
Dishonest to self and others
about the desire to change |
|
16.
Hesitant to get help |
|
Seeks out
help habitually |
|
17. Reticent to talk about problem
|
|
Relishes
the attention received in talking about the problem |
|
18. Embarrassed about the problem
|
|
Wears problem
as a badge of courage (purple heart) |
|
19. Wants a quick solution to their
crisis |
|
Creates
crises out of everything but blocks all solutions |
|
20. Open to all new ideas
|
|
Holds a
"yes- but'' attitude to all new ideas |
|
|
|
|
What are obstacles facing victims &
martyrs?
A. Victims often:
Lack
the knowledge that they are being taken advantage of by others.
Are
so used to a certain way of being treated that they don't recognize it as unhealthy for them.
Lack
healthy self-esteem or self-concepts.
Have little
belief in themselves.
Come
from high-stress families where their rights were never respected; therefore, they lack the competencies, skills, and abilities to stand up for their rights.
Lack
information about assertive behavior and have no experience in using assertive behavior.
Lack
of "others'' in their lives who can point out alternative healthy solutions to their problems.
Are timid, scared & suspicious of help being offered to them.
Are skeptical
about someone really wanting to help them.
Victims often hold to some of the following irrational beliefs in their lives:
-
You must be nice
to everyone, even if they are not nice to you.
-
Life
is supposed to be filled with unhappiness and uncertainty.
-
The small guy never
wins.
-
This is the way
things are supposed to be.
-
There are winners
and losers in all transactions between people.
-
My
role in life is to be a loser.
-
Most people are
basically selfish, mean, self-centered and disrespectful.
-
You should never
complain.
-
Take it like a
"man'' (woman)!
-
Be
silent with your feelings.
Victims often don't stand up for their rights because they suffer from the irrational fear of:
B. Martyrs often:
Are
so caught up in their problems that they convince themselves no solution is possible.
Know
they are being abused but are so used to it they can't visualize life any differently.
Lack healthy self-esteem & self-concepts.
Lack
belief in themselves or in others.
Had
"martyr'' role models in their families of origin and don't see their own behavior as maladaptive.
Lack
knowledge of assertiveness and may be either extremely passive or overly aggressive with their antagonists.
Have
exhausted all of their outlets of "helpers''
Find
"helpers'' hesitant offer assistance; their resistance and "yes-but'' statements are too much for the helpers to overcome..
Manipulate their helpers. At first they are cooperative, open, verbal, and apparently honest in their assessment of their problems.
However,
once an objective helper begins to point out the martyr's contribution to the problem, they
feign newer, bigger, and more complex problems to keep the helper's focus off of them.
Martyrs
often hold to some of the following irrational beliefs in their lives:
-
You
must be nice to people no matter how they treat you.
-
Everyone
needs me and they would be lost without me.
-
I am depended upon.
-
It is my role to
keep everything together, no matter what price I have to pay.
-
This is the way
things are supposed to be.
-
I can never win
in the situation I am in, but I can't leave it.
-
I must find a way
to pay back those who hurt me.
-
I
never get angry; I just get revenge.
-
My behavior is
healthy, OK, but misunderstood by others.
-
The
louder I complain, the greater the chances of being heard.
Martyrs often don't take the action required to resolve their problems because
they suffer from the irrational fear of:
Steps to help you decide if you are a victim
or a martyr & how to change your behavior
Step
1: Make an honest assessment:
Are
you a martyr or a victim in the problems facing you? Study the comparisons and characteristics
listed above to help you recognize your behavior.
Complete
the following statements in your journal:
a. I can honestly say that I am currently functioning as:
(1) a victim
(2) a martyr
(3) a little of each
(4) neither of the above,
but as a ( ).
b. I know I function this way because:
c. My current problems include:
Step 2: Once you have identified
the role you are playing in your current problem(s), identify (in your journal)
the obstacles keeping you from moving forward:
a. As a (victim/martyr) I am faced with the following obstacles
to correcting my current problem:
b. I have the following irrational beliefs:
c. I have the following irrational fears:
d. Obstacles include the following lack of knowledge, information, behavior, and attitudes:
Step 3: Once you have identified the obstacles, utilize the following skills and principles presented in the Tools
For Coping Series:
a. Refuting Irrational Beliefs [from www.coping.org's Tools for Personal Growth]
b. Self Affirmation [from www.coping.org's Tools for Personal Growth]
c. Risk Taking [from www.coping.org's Tools for Personal Growth]
d. Guilt Reduction [from www.coping.org's Tools for Personal Growth]
e. Letting Go [from www.coping.org's Tools for Personal Growth]
Step 4: If completing Step 3 doesn't
create a change in your behavior, try one of the following alternatives:
a. Ask the people in your life if
they see you acting as a victim or martyr regarding your
current problem. Share this material with them to help their response. Use their feedback to assist you in clarifying your
reactions to your problem. Use their feedback to motivate a change in your behavior.
b. Take an informal poll of people
as to which role they would prefer to play in life: victim or martyr.
In your poll find out what their
perceptions are of the two roles and the differences, if any. Ask them to clarify which role is more respected by others. Finally, have them give you examples from literature, history, TV, movies, or real life of classic victim and martyr role models.
Once your poll is completed, review
your data. Decide from your findings which role you currently are playing. Use the results of the survey to motivate a change in your behavior.
c. In your journal list the pros
and cons of continuing your current course of behavior (be it victim
or martyr). Use the list to assist you in deciding to change any unproductive pattern.
d. List those who will be affected if
you cease being the victim/martyr. Next to each name,
list the positive and negative consequences a change in your behavior will have on their lives.
Use this listing to assist you in
recognizing that those people will survive your change in behavior. This is designed to motivate you to pursue the necessary changes in your behavior
e. Make
a personal inventory up to this very moment in your life as to the benefits and deficits of the pattern of behavior
you live, be it victim or martyr. List what you gain from
playing this role.
Also, list what you lose as a result
of playing this role. List what you will lose or gain in the future if you change this role. Use this inventory to stimulate change, since you will have begun to desensitize the fears that are obstacles to change.
Step 5: If Steps 1 thru 4 are unsuccessful in motivating a change in your current behavior pattern, you may need to seek professional help. Review Steps 1 thru 4 with such a helper.
The above information was found at www.coping.org! It's a fantastic site and I highly recommend you go there to see it all for yourself. You may
find some very useful information!
|
 |
|
Victimhood: The Curse of Divorce Recovery
By Shelley Stile
Feeling or labeling yourself a victim of your divorce is one of the most disastrous moves you can
make. It will prevent you from moving forward rendering you powerless. To create a new life after your divorce takes a person who is fully responsible for their past, present and future.
Being responsible means having control over one’s life and that is what it takes to both recover from the emotional wounds of a divorce as well as plan for your new life.
If you consider yourself a victim then you believe that you had little to do with what happened to you. You take no responsibility. The responsibility is someone else’s and that leaves you with no power. Victims blame someone else. Blame absolves them of their part in the dissolution of their marriage. Blame keeps them stuck in the pain of the past and their divorce.
It is so much easier to place blame on someone else then accept personal responsibility. The fact is that two people inhabit all marriages. Those two people are co-creators of their marriage and their divorce. Even if one of the partners was unfaithful or a liar, there are always signs along the way that we either refused to see or to acknowledge. If we are in denial about all the warning signs along the way, we can only look to ourselves for lack of some responsible action.
Blame leads to resentment. Resentment consumes our mind chatter. We spend far too many hours ruminating about all the things that our ex has
done or continues to do to us. We resent their new life and our lack of one. Consider the amount of time wasted being in resentment?
Exactly who suffers?
The answer of course is
clear: you. You are the one who is angry, sad, bitter and unhappy, not your ex. Your blame and resentment, along with your regrets, are like poison in your system. It completely immobilizes you.
How do we overcome these feelings of victimhood? Here are some suggestions:
1. What
is the truth of your marriage? If we are completely honest and courageous, we will have begun to recognize that indeed, we played
an integral part in our marriage and divorce.
All too often, we interpret
events and situations in our marriage and believe them to be the truth. For instance, my husband was cheating and lied to me about it. I interpret that to mean that I am no longer desirable, that
I failed as a wife. I live in my marriage as if that is a cold, hard fact. It is not. The fact is he cheated. Period. That
fact could mean a hundred different things. Stick to the facts.
2. Where am I responsible? What were the warning signs along the way that I refused to acknowledge? Where was I in denial? Where was I an enabler?
For example, I know a woman
who was completely surprised when her husband left her. She went on to tell me that she always gave him total freedom to do
whatever he wanted: trips that lasted a month at a time and little or no responsibility in rearing their children are just a couple of items on the list. She handled it all.
Translation: she was an
enabler and gave him the rope that was needed to strangle the marriage. Acknowledge where you didn’t do what you needed to do. Accept responsibility. Responsibility is empowerment.
3. Exactly what are you resisting? Why can’t you see the truth and accept responsibility? Why do you suppose you cannot accept the reality of your Life as it is now? These are questions that must be addressed.
What do you gain by remaining a victim? Are you afraid of facing the truth?
Are you living in what you
think should be versus what is? Do you enjoy being a victim? Do you like the fact that being
a victim absolves you of any responsibility and therefore any positive action?
4. If you are resisting the reality of your life,
consider doing a turnaround and simply go with the flow of your life’s direction. Fighting reality is a useless business.
The more you resist something the more it will persist. Consider the flow of a river. What does it feel like to swim against
the current? That is what you do when you cannot accept what is.
5. Do you allow your fear of the unknown to run you? Are you afraid of your future? Are you afraid of being alone? What exactly are you afraid
of? I recently heard someone say that they spend so much time worrying and little or nothing of what they worry about actually
comes true! Do you see the insanity of that?
As far as the future, we
don’t know from day to day what the future holds for us. How about if you believed that your future was going to be just fine instead of being in fear? What if everything happens for a reason?
6. Consider your perspective on life. Your attitude. What is it? Do you believe that life is hard and unjust? Do you see all that is wrong and nothing that might be right? Let me tell you something, not
only does your attitude affect how you handle life; it can actually determine your reality. If you believe that life is too hard then that is exactly what life will be for you. Kind of like a self-fulfilling prophesy.
7. Do things differently. If your victimhood along with it is
blame and resentment is not working for you (and I guarantee it isn’t)
then for heaven’s sake, do things differently. Try on a new perspective. Examine the truth of your life versus your own personal interpretations. Take responsibility. Take actionable steps forward. Stop resisting. Get out and do new things, meet new people and don’t isolate yourself.
Get back into the swing of things.
8. Learn from your experience and use that new
wisdom for empowerment.
Once you see the life
lessons of your marriage and divorce (and believe me they are numerous and impactful) you can use that wisdom to be a better person, to help you to become the person that you truly want to be. Everything that happens to us in life
has a hidden lesson for us if we only look for it. Might there actually be a silver lining in this storm cloud?
9. Consider the costs of remaining a victim? Do you want to live your
life as a bitter and angry person? Is that how you want to be seen? If you have children, is victimhood what you want them to model? How to you want to be seen? Do you realize
that as a victim you have no power to change your life? Remaining a victim is a very bleak picture.
10.
Choose a new and better life. Think of all the decisions and choices you make during the course of a day. Are they moving you away from being a victim or keeping you stuck there?
Stop and think before you make important and even not so important decisions or choices. Our choices define us and determine the course of our life.
In closing,
I want to share a few bits of wisdom from the Dalai Lama:
When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
Follow the three R’s:
Remember that not getting
what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
click here to visit the source page for more info about the author
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
