|
The following information was found at www.coping.org! It's a fantastic site and I highly recommend you go there to see it all for yourself. You may
find some very useful information!
  Becoming Vulnerable
What is vulnerability?
Vulnerability is:
-
Feeling of being exposed to emotional hurt, being taken advantage of, or abused.
-
Feeling of being fragile, weak, or susceptible to emotional pain and suffering.
-
Feeling of being trapped or imprisoned in a situation where your feelings and rights are ignored.
-
Opening of oneself to the possibility of being taken advantage of by another person in a relationship.
-
Relating
of your innermost feelings and fears to others with the possibility that they might use such feelings and fears against you.
-
Opening of yourself to the possibility of growing as a person in your emotional and spiritual dimensions.
-
Allowing
of oneself to search and probe the past for hidden or unresolved emotions, feelings, or grief responses that lie at the root of current immobilized emotions, feelings, or actions.
-
Trying out
of new behavior traits, attitudes, or beliefs in the pursuit of personal growth.
-
Unrelenting
pursuit of truth and clarity about self through the requesting, encouraging and welcoming of honest feedback about oneself, even if such feedback is negative.
-
Willingness
to take chances and try new experiences, challenges, or activities even though the outcome is unsure.
Why do people avoid being vulnerable?
Reasons people avoid being vulnerable include:
How does the avoidance of vulnerability manifest itself?
- Constantly being on the offensive,
attacking, blaming, or correcting others; keeping the spotlight on others and off themselves.
-
Avoiding participation in any form of "helping" situation, such as an emotional support group, individual, or family counseling
-
"Looking good"
and wearing a mask of "strength" and "togetherness."
-
Pleasing or placating others
to keep their true moods, feelings, or pain from being probed.
-
Closing others out or shutting
down themselves to put emotions on the rocks, freezing themselves.
-
Silence, a lack of feedback
to others, non-communicativeness, keeping true feelings hidden.
-
Lacking emotional language,
lacking the ability to tune into their own feelings of discomfort in emotionally laden conversations.
-
Shyness, a hesitancy to meet new people, being a "wall flower" in social gatherings due to fear of rejection or fear of disapproval.
-
Resistance to change, to altering habitual patterns of behavior, or to looking at things in life from a different perspective.
-
Playing games that involve
knowing the rules of body language in every form of social interaction, with the resultant performance of routines and scripts
that fit the "game."
What are some beliefs of people who avoid being vulnerable?
-
Never let anyone know how you feel!
-
Always be strong in your interactions with others!
-
Men never cry!
-
Being over-emotional is a feminine trait that leads to becoming an hysteric!
-
I
am never going to let my guard down again!
-
I
may be down, but I'll never let them know it.!
-
I
have been hurt by others in the past & I'll never let others hurt me again!
-
Spilling the beans (of my emotions) is always risky business!
-
You are bound to get hurt if you open yourself up to another person.
-
Dragging up the past serves no purpose.
-
It
is nobody's business how I feel!
-
No
one should have the right to probe into my emotions or feelings!
-
Nothing
can help me overcome the pain I feel!
-
I
mind my own business & expect others to mind their own business!
-
The
old way of doing things is the best way!
-
Maintain the status quo!
-
Trust no one!
-
I
have no problems & even if I did, I'd never tell anyone!
-
There is nothing to be gained by my breaking down emotionally!
-
No
one respects a weak person!
-
I
don't care how you live your life & I expect you to not care how I live mine.
What are some benefits of vulnerable
behavior?
The following vulnerable behavioral traits can be beneficial:
Being open to new possibilities in life enables you to explore your options more freely and to gain insight into the healthiest and most productive, growth-enhancing alternatives for yourself.
Being helped through a support group or counseling situation enables you to gain assistance, helping you cope with your life and circumstances that have had some emotional impact on your mental health adjustment.
Opening yourself up to "new'' social circumstances enables you to meet new people who have the potential of becoming true emotional supports.
Not always pleasing or
placating others, letting them see your negative side, enables you to feel less responsible for everyone elses' welfare and takes the sense of burden out of your life.
Not always being
a "do for'' person, letting others accept the responsibility to do for themselves, enables you to lift the weight of obligation out of your life. You can enjoy being with people, not feeling burdened or tied down by them.
Using healthy communication, with good give and take enables you to clarify areas in which you need to grow, to change, improve, and strengthen your relationships.
Being open to deal with emotional issues gives you a chance to identify the blocked feelings and beliefs that have prevented you from enjoying full health and
well-being.
Letting others into your
"emotional life space" enables you the opportunity to experience an authentic, supportive, growth-enhancing relationship.
Tuning into your own feelings enables you to recognize your personal humanity and gives you a healthy perspective of yourself, your problems, and your place in life. It enables you to be focused realistically as you face your problems and concerns.
Being open to change and altering your behavior patterns gives you the chance to rid yourself of unproductive and maladaptive habits that impede
your emotional health and personal growth.
What behavior traits will help you open yourself to vulnerability?
-
Trying new behaviors
-
Taking a risk
-
Initiating contact with
strangers
-
Tuning into feelings of others and yourself
-
Willingness to get help
for yourself
-
Being open to receiving help and support from others
-
Being honest with others and yourself when it would be easier to lie in order to avoid conflict
-
Accepting change when it comes your way
Steps to increase your
ability to be vulnerable & grow
Step 1: Read the material in this section, then answer the following questions in your journal:
a. Do you believe that being vulnerable makes you a candidate for personal growth? What are your reasons
for this belief?
b. Do you resist or avoid being in a growth situation in which you feel vulnerable? What are some of your reasons
for avoiding being vulnerable?
c. What behavior traits
illustrate your avoidance of vulnerability?
d. What beliefs lead you to avoid vulnerability and growth?
e. What behavior traits need to be developed in order to be vulnerable and grow?
Step 2: Now that you have identified your avoidance of vulnerability in Step 1, answer the following questions in your journal:
a. What feedback do you get from others in your life that indicates that you resist being placed in a vulnerable position?
b. What are some reasons from your past that account for your avoiding being placed in a vulnerable position?
c. What replacement beliefs do you need in order to allow yourself to become vulnerable to grow?
d. What
are some steps you can take to develop new behavior traits that open you to being vulnerable to grow?
e. What are some positive consequences of becoming more vulnerable to grow?
f. What is your action plan for growth in which being vulnerable is essential?
Step 3: Implement the action plan in
Step 2. Are you able to open yourself to becoming more vulnerable to personal growth?
Step 4: If you
still find yourself avoiding becoming vulnerable to growth, try the following activity:
A Tale of Two
People
a. Write
a short autobiography, telling your life story from the perspective of another person, one who is closed off from others to
avoid being vulnerable.
b. Write
a second short autobiography, telling your life history, but this time from the perspective of you freely opening yourself, being vulnerable to grow. Discuss your relationships, work, family, and community
activities.
c. Compare your stories and answer the
following questions:
(1) Which person is more successful in life?
(2) Which
person is more appealing to you?
(3) Which
person is more appealing to others?
(4) What
are the benefits to being either (1) open to being vulnerable or (2) closed to being vulnerable?
(5) Which
story is more true of the current you?
(6) Which
story do you want to be more true of you?
(7) What
steps do you need to take to make the more successful story real for you?
(8) What
obstacles stand in your way of achieving the success story?
(9) From
whom do you need help in order to achieve your success story?
(10) What
changes in your life are necessary for the success story to become true for you?
Step 5: If you find yourself unable to become vulnerable after completing Steps 1 through 4, return to Step 1 and begin again.
 The information above was found at www.coping.org! It's a fantastic site and I highly recommend you go there to see it all for yourself. You may
find some very useful information!
Sexual Intimacy After Sexual Assault or Sexual Abuse
Many adult survivors of sexual abuse find that their sexual attitudes and reactions are impacted after
a sexual assault or sexual abuse. While these effects are not permanent, they can be very frustrating as they can decrease the enjoyment of one’s sexual life and intimacy with others for some time. Fortunately, even if one does not actively work on sexual healing, as the sexual assault or abuse is healed, the sexual symptoms will diminish.
Experiencing sexual symptoms
after sexual assault or abuse is not only very common, but it is also understandable; “sexual abuse is not only a betrayal of human trust and affection, but it is, by definition an attack on a person’s
sexuality.”2 Some people may react to this attack by avoiding sexual activity and isolating their sexual selves, perhaps fearing losing control of their body or feeling vulnerable to someone else.
Others may react by having
more sexual activity than they had before this experience; possibly because they may feel that sex is less important to them
now or that it is a way for them to regain a sense of power. No matter what your reaction after a sexual assault or sexual abuse, it is important to remember that it is part of your healing, helping you process what happened to you and regain a sense
of normalcy.
Common sexual symptoms
The sexual effects that a
survivor may experience after sexual abuse or sexual assault may be present immediately after the experience(s), or they may appear long afterwards. Sometimes the effects
are not present until you are in a trusting and loving relationship, or when you truly feel safe with someone. The ten most common sexual symptoms after sexual abuse or sexual assault include:
- Avoiding or being afraid of sex
- Approaching sex as an obligation
- Experiencing negative feelings such as anger, disgust, or guilt with touch
- Having difficulty becoming
aroused or feeling sensation
- Feeling emotionally distant or not present during sex
- Experiencing intrusive or
disturbing sexual thoughts and images
- Engaging in compulsive or
inappropriate sexual behaviors
- Experiencing difficulty establishing
or maintaining an intimate relationship
- Experiencing vaginal pain
or orgasmic difficulties
- Experiencing erectile or
ejaculatory difficulties
Discovering
your specific sexual symptoms is an important part of beginning sexual healing. It can be very upsetting to
think about all the ways that the sexual assault or abuse has influenced you sexually, yet by knowing, you can begin to address those symptoms specifically.
One way
to uncover your sexual symptoms is to complete the Sexual Effects Inventory in The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz. This inventory is a tool to give you a general picture of your sexual concerns at this time, and it will indicate to you how the sexual assault or abuse may have impacted your attitudes about sex, your sexual self concept, your sexual behavior, and your intimate relationships.
Although
completing the inventory can be overwhelming, it can be a good place to start in understanding how your sexuality has been impacted by the abuse.
Many of the effects of the
sexual assault/abuse on your sexuality are a result of the sexual abuse mind-set. This mind-set consists of false beliefs about sex, and it is common to experience after a sexual assault or abuse.
False beliefs about sex are commonly developed because the sexual assault or abuse is confused with sex. It is important to remember that while sexual activity was a part of the sexual assault or abuse, it was not healthy sex because it was not consensual and the perpetrator used sexual activity to gain power over you, making it abusive sex.
The following table summarizes
the differences between healthy sexual attitudes and sexual attitudes that equate sex to sexual abuse. With time, and the suggestions given later, it is possible to shift a sexual abuse mind-set to healthy sexual attitudes.
Sexual Attitudes3 |
Sexual Abuse Mind-set
(sex = sexual abuse) |
Healthy Sexual Attitudes
(sex = positive sexual energy) |
| Sex is uncontrollable energy |
Sex is controllable energy |
| Sex is an obligation |
Sex is a choice |
| Sex is addictive |
Sex is a natural drive |
| Sex is hurtful |
Sex is nurturing, healing |
| Sex is a condition for receiving love |
Sex is an expression of love |
| Sex is “doing to” someone |
Sex is sharing with someone |
| Sex is a commodity |
Sex is part of who I am |
| Sex is void of communication |
Sex requires communication |
| Sex is secretive |
Sex is private |
| Sex is exploitive |
Sex is respectful |
| Sex is deceitful |
Sex is honest |
| Sex benefits one person |
Sex is mutual |
| Sex is emotionally distant |
Sex is intimate |
| Sex is irresponsible |
Sex is responsible |
| Sex is unsafe |
Sex is safe |
| Sex has no limits |
Sex has boundaries |
| Sex is power over someone |
Sex is empowering |
The passing of time and
positive sexual experience either by yourself or with a partner will move you naturally towards more healthy sexual attitudes. You can also actively begin the process of shifting your ideas that promote the sexual abuse mind-set to healthy sexual attitudes by trying some of the following:
- Avoid exposure to people
and things that reinforce the sexual abuse mindset. Avoid any media (TV programs, books, magazines, websites, etc.)
that portray sex as sexual abuse. This includes avoiding pornography. Pornography consistently depicts sexually aggressive and abusive situations as pleasurable and consensual. As an alternative to pornography there are erotic materials, often named erotica,
where the sexual situations shown display sex with consent, equality, and respect.
- Use positive and accurate
language when referring to sex. When referring to body parts use the proper names, not slang terms that can be negative or
degrading. Ensure that your language about sex reflects that sex is something positive and healthy, and that it is something that you can make choices about. Do not use words that reinforce the idea that sex is sexual abuse, such as “banging” or “nailing.”
- Discover more about your
current sexual attitudes and how you would like them to change. Spend time considering how you would feel about sex if you had never been sexually assaulted or abused. Consider how you want to think and feel about sex in the future.
- Discuss ideas about healthy sexuality and sex with others such as with your friends, partner, therapist, or support group members.
- Educate yourself about healthy sex. Read books, take workshops, or talk with a counselor.
One way you can determine
if you are about to engage in healthy sex is by asking yourself if your current situation meets all the requirements of the C.E.R.T.S. healthy
sex model.
| 1. CONSENT: |
Can I freely and comfortably
choose whether or not to engage in sexual activity? Am I able to stop the activity at any time during the sexual contact? |
| 2. EQUALITY: |
Is my feeling of personal
power on an equal level with my partner? Does neither of us dominate the other? |
| 3. RESPECT: |
Do I have a positive regard
for myself and for my partner? Do I feel respected by my partner?
Do I feel supportive of my partner and supported by my partner? |
| 4. TRUST: |
Do I trust my partner on both a physical and emotional level? Do we have
a mutual acceptance of vulnerability and an ability to respond to each other with sensitivity? |
| 5. SAFETY: |
Do I feel secure and safe within the sexual setting? Am I comfortable with and assertive about where, when and how the sexual activity takes place?
Do I feel safe from the possibility of unwanted pregnancy and/or STDs? |
Sexual Activity
For many people it is essential
to take a break from sexual activity at some point in their healing. This break is an opportunity for you to consider your
own sexual self without any concerns about someone else’s sexual desires. It also ensures that your time and energy
can be focused on healing and not on worrying about sex or sexual advances. Taking a break from sexual activity is an important
option for survivors to have, regardless of how long they have been in a relationship and whether or not they are married
or common-law.
When you decide to be sexually
intimate with someone, challenge yourself to take some steps towards engaging in healthier sexual activity, such as:
- Only have sexual activity
when you really want to, not when you feel you should want to (such as after a long period
away from your partner, on your anniversary, or on another special occasion).
- Take an active role in sexual
activity. Communicate with your partner about how you are feeling, your preferences, including what you don’t like or
what makes you uncomfortable, as well as your desires.
- Give yourself permission
to say no to sexual activity at any time, even after you have initiated or consented to sexual activity.
It can be helpful to discuss
guidelines regarding your shared sexual intimacy that can help you feel safer during sexual encounters. The following is an example of a list of guidelines that you can use in your own relationship.
Discuss this list with your partner, and feel free to add to it or take away items so that it results in a complete list of
ground rules that make you both feel more comfortable.
The Healthy Sex Trust Contract4
- It’s okay to say no
to sex at ANY TIME.
- It’s okay to ask for
what we want sexually, without being teased or shamed for it.
- We don’t ever have
to do anything we don’t want to do sexually.
- We will take a break or stop
sexual activity whenever either of us requests it.
- It’s okay to say how
we are feeling or what we are needing at ANY TIME.
- We agree to be responsive
to each other’s needs for improving physical comfort.
- What we do sexually is private
and not to be discussed with others outside our relationship unless we give permission to discuss it.
- We are ultimately responsible
for our own sexual fulfillment and orgasm.
- Our sexual thoughts and fantasies
are our own and we don’t have to share them with each other unless we want to reveal them.
- We don’t have to disclose
the details of a previous sexual relationship unless that information is important to our present partner’s physical
health or safety.
- We can initiate or decline
sex without incurring a negative reaction from our partner.
- We each agree to be sexually
faithful unless we have a clear, prior understanding that it’s okay to have sex outside the relationship (this includes virtual sex,
such as phone or internet sex).
- We will support each other in minimizing risk and using protection to decrease the possibility of disease and/or unwanted pregnancy.
- We will notify each other
immediately if we have or suspect we have a sexually transmitted
infection.
- We will support each other in handling any negative consequences that may result from our sexual interactions.
Once you and your partner
have agreed on your complete set of guidelines in your sexual relationship, you should also discuss what the potential consequences
will be for breaking one of the guidelines.
Automatic Reactions to Touch
Even once you have set up
guidelines to make sexual activity feel safer for you, you may experience automatic reactions to touch, such as a flashback, a panic attack, a sense of sadness, a sense of fear, dissociation, nausea, pain, or freezing.
These reactions are unwanted
and upsetting to both you and your partner, and fortunately, with time and healing they will minimize in frequency and severity.
In order to gain control of your body and mind during an automatic reaction, you want to ensure that you stop all sexual activity. Take time to make
yourself aware of and acknowledge that you are having an automatic reaction. Try to consider what triggered it.
Once you have made yourself
aware that you are experiencing an automatic reaction, take some time to calm yourself and make yourself feel safe again. Pay attention to your breathing, and try to take slow, deep breaths.
Take some time to bring your
mind and body back to the present by reorienting yourself in your surroundings. Remind yourself that you are no longer living
the sexual assault or abuse. Using your different senses, make yourself aware of your current environment. What do you see? What do you hear? Touch some of the objects around you to ground yourself to
the present.
After you have overcome an
automatic reaction, take some time to rest and recover. These reactions are overwhelming for both your body and mind. When you are ready, take some time to think about the trigger of your automatic reaction, and
if there is some way you could alter the situation somehow so that the trigger does not happen or does not affect you in the
same way.
For example, perhaps changing
the set up of the room would be helpful, or asking your partner not to do the activity that you believe may have set off your flashback.
Also, if you are being triggered
while being intimate with a partner, discuss with your partner what you would like her/him to do when you have an automatic reaction (e.g. stop what they are doing, hold you, talk to you, sit with you, etc.) Ask your partner
to watch for signs that you are having an automatic reaction, and to stop sexual activity immediately when you have one.
Relearning Touch
Many survivors find that because
of their sexual assault or abuse they experience sexual touch or certain sexual activities as negative and
unpleasant. Through certain therapeutic exercises
you can learn to enjoy and feel safe during sexual touch.
There are exercises that you
can do on your own, and also those that you can do with a partner. A series of relearning touch exercises are described in
Chapter 10 of Wendy Maltz’s book The Sexual Healing Journey.
If you are in a partnership
at the time that you want to actively begin healing sexually, it is important that you work together. It is essential that you feel safe and comfortable with your partner, and that your partner always respects your limits and is prepared to follow your lead throughout this process.
Partners who act in ways that
mimic sexual assault or abuse, such as touching without consent, ignoring how you feel, behaving in impulsive or hurtful ways, will prevent you from healing. Building emotional trust and a sense of safety in a relationship are important prerequisites to enjoying sexual intimacy.
Conclusion
Fortunately, the effects that
sexual assault or abuse have on your ability to enjoy sexual intimacy can be minimized and healed with time and efforts. The process of sexual healing is one that must be done slowly and patiently, and it works best if it follows or coincides with other healing regarding the assault or abuse.
The guidance of a counselor can be very beneficial in the process of sexual healing, and is often recommended as this process can trigger difficult memories
and emotions. While sexual healing is something that may take much time and energy, ultimately it will lead to enjoyment of
sexual intimacy that is consistently positive and pleasurable.
Resources (other than those
referenced earlier)
Incest and Sexuality: A Guide to Understanding and Healing by Wendy Maltz
The Survivor’s Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex
Life After Child Sexual Abuse by: Staci Haines
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual
Abuse by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis
Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering From Sexual
Child Abuse by: Mike Lew
1 Much of the information in this pamphlet was taken from
Wendy Maltz’s book The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse (2001). For more detail on the
information found here please read this book.
2 Wendy Maltz, 1999 (www.healthysex.com)
3 The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz (p.99)
4 Taken from www.healthysex.com by Wendy Maltz
source site: click here
Click here to read what I earnestly believe about what was just said in this last segment.
|
 |
|
Learning To Breastfeed Can Be Such A Vulnerable Time
By Dr. Melanie Beingessner
Learning to breastfeed
can be a difficult and frustrating time for first-time mothers and their babies. Under the best circumstances, most of us have patience and determination to learn a new skill. However, after the physically draining effects of labor and birth, breastfeeding can easily become
frustrating if the baby is slower to learn to latch at the breast.
During this period just
after birth, your internal resources are fragile and you can be vulnerable to outside criticism
or disapproval. With respect to breastfeeding, “well intentioned help” can easily sabotage the breastfeeding process.
Many new mothers
are offered suggestions from people who truly believe that they are providing great advice, when the advice is dated and can actually interfere with the breastfeeding process.
Here are a few situations that can arise, the problems that they can create, and suggestions on how to handle them.
The Postpartum Period
“You are so very tired.
Why don’t you sleep and let us take care of your baby?”
Yes, it is true
that you are tired after giving birth. However, if you let your nurse or someone else watch your baby while you sleep, you
won’t know if they decide to feed your baby formula. The colostrum that your breasts produce just after birth is extremely
concentrated with nutrients, immune factors and energy-rich natural sugars, and a newborn baby drinks colostrum approximately
a teaspoon at a time.
Because her stomach
is extremely small, this amount of colostrum is a normal and healthy amount for her to ingest per feeding in the first
few days of her life. If your baby is fed an ounce or more of formula, her stomach will become used to a larger volume and
suddenly the colostrum that your breasts produce is not enough.
To counter this approach,
keep your baby in your room with you, sleep when she sleeps and feed her on demand. If you can sleep while a family member
or a friend is visiting, ask him or her to wake you as soon as the baby starts to stir so that you have time to latch her
to your breast before she becomes wide awake and angry.
The baby is losing body
weight and we are going to have to supplement her with formula.
Actually, it is
normal for a baby to lose weight after birth. When a baby is growing inside her mother’s uterus, she is constantly fed
nutrients and liquids through her umbilical cord. After birth, the constant stream of food and drink ends and breastfeeding
begins. However, a baby can be really tired after birth, and it can be difficult for her to stay awake long enough to have
a good feed.
You might want
to wake her every two hours to feed to ensure that she’s getting a good supply of breast milk. Keep offering
the breast and encourage her to suckle even if it is a gulp at a time. Once your milk comes in, it will be easier for her to get more fluids and nutrients
in each breastfeeding session. It can take up to three weeks for a newborn to regain her birth weight.
There is a point, however, when a baby can become dehydrated and that is cause for concern. At 7% loss of body weight, your health care practitioner will want to monitor the baby’s breastfeeding times and whether
or not she pees and poops regularly. Supplementation may become necessary, but offer the breast first and then supplement
afterwards.
This allows your
baby to continue to practice learning a proper latch and helps to establish a good supply of breast milk. It can take
time for the baby to learn the physical act of breastfeeding, and once she does, supplementation will no longer be required.
Once You Are Home
“You should feed your
baby on a schedule.”
Our mothers & grandmothers were advised since
1946 by Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care book to bottle-feed their babies and put them on rigid schedules because it
was “more sanitary and more scientific.” At that time in history, scientists and pediatricians did not realize
how much more breast milk offered besides nourishment.
Breast milk includes
immune factors coat the lining of the baby’s intestines to provide better immunity from bacteria, viruses and parasites;
natural fats that promote brain and nerve development; and the exactly perfect proportion of fats, proteins, carbohydrates,
vitamins and minerals that the baby needs.
Breastfed babies are supposed to eat often - the baby leads the “breastfeed
on demand” process because her sole purpose at this beginning stage of her life is to ensure her survival by establishing
a good and abundant milk supply. While ill-advised, it is possible to achieve a schedule for a bottle-fed baby because the
cow’s milk proteins found in formula take more time to digest than the proteins found in human breast milk.
You always get to feed the baby and I can’t. Couldn’t you let me give her one bottle
at night?
The problems with introducing bottles into a baby’s schedule when
she is busy establishing her milk supply are twofold:
First: a newer baby can become
confused with the two different types of feeding. Breastfeeding is a very active process. A baby draws a good amount of breast tissue
into her mouth (more than you realize) to form a teat.
She has to suck
for quite a few seconds before the letdown reflex begins and the milk begins to flow. When a baby is feeding well, the rhythm
that develops is to suck a few times and then to gulp the milk that pools in her mouth.
Bottle-feeding
is a totally different process. A bottle-fed baby doesn’t have to work at all to get milk. The milk dribbles from the
nipple of the bottle and the baby gulps away to her heart’s content. If a breastfeeding baby encounters two types of
feeding, one that she has to work at and one that is incredibly simple, she might just opt for the easier one, especially
if she is having difficulties learning how to latch.
Second: it is the physical
act of sucking at the breast that stimulates the brain to increase milk production. If a baby is using one of her feeds to
drink formula, the mother does not get the stimulus to produce more milk. This results in less milk available for the baby,
which causes her to be hungry and fussy.
The same problem
arises when soothers are introduced into a newborn’s life before the breast milk supply is firmly established. A soother
can provide comfort, but it interferes with the baby sucking at her mother’s breast. Soothers and bottles should only
be introduced after the breastfeeding process is comfortable for both mother and baby, not before.
One way to satisfy the needs of your partner, your parents, your in-laws and other family members who want to feed your baby is to give them an
activity to do that is special just for them. Partners can take over bath time and actually climb into the bath with the babies to enjoy skin-on-skin closeness.
Other family members
can be shown infant massage techniques, or suggest that they hold the baby on their chests and drape a warm blanket around
the two to provide the satisfaction of a good cuddle. Be creative, there are lots of ways to show love that don’t involve bottle-feeding.
In Conclusion
It is important to remember that learning the skills of parenting a newborn take time and quite a lot of energy. Breastfeeding is
one of these skills and if you can remain as calm as possible, you have a much better chance of success.
Breastfeeding can be frustrating to learn for some women and if you find that you and your baby are struggling, get help immediately! The help of a positive,
knowledgeable person could make the difference for a new mother to be able to successfully breastfeed her baby.
The mirror has two faces: dancers have a special vulnerability to eating disorders, particularly anorexia. Schools and companies now take a more proactive role in helping
them fight these inner demons, but some still fall prey to self-destructive behavior. Here is a special report on what the dance world is doing to help them, how to spot early warning signs, and what it takes
to overcome the illness.
Dance Magazine, July, 2006 by Amanda Smith
Anorexia. The word is charged with electricity in our culture
and in the world of ballet. It is a feared and potentially life-threatening condition. Any dancer who slides down the slippery
slope of anorexia is at risk of losing the physical mastery she has gained--not to mention her good health. However, major
ballet companies across America are becoming more aware about eating disorders. Teachers and artistic directors are putting
nutritionists on staff, organizing educational workshops, and watching closely for signs of the disorder. As a result, while
the incidence of anorexia may be rising in the general population, it seems to be dropping in large ballet companies.
More prevalent in ballet, and almost entirely a female disease,
anorexia is rarely seen in modern dance. Modern is more forgiving of, and even sometimes champions, diverse body types. Too,
people often come to modern dance later, into their teens or even in college, when their bodies--and their perceptions of
themselves--are more settled.
What exactly is anorexia? According to Dr. Charles L. Bardes,
professor of clinical medicine at New York's Weill Cornell Medical College, it has less to do with one's degree of thinness
and more to do with "the role that thinness plays in a person's life." Medical clues include compulsive behaviors like intentional
vomiting and using of laxatives to lose weight. These actions stem from what Dr. Bardes calls "severe body image disturbance."
Often we see a thin dancer onstage and immediately declare her
"anorexic." But no matter how thin she is, you would not necessarily be accurate. "I would urge spectators not to observe
a thin dancer and speculate that she is anorexic," says Dr. Bardes. "That badge would require knowing a lot more about her
personal psychological constitution than can be known by an audience watching figures on a stage."
Northwest Ballet, says, "Anorexia goes along with an obsessive-compulsive
personality. It coexists with perfectionism." Sound familiar? Perhaps ballet attracts people who have a bent toward perfectionism.
Sometimes that intense energy gets poured into a systematic plan to lose weight. Peggy Swistak, PNB's nutritionist, describes
obsessive behavior typical of eating disorders. "She will have certain eating rituals that may include rearranging the food
on her plate or excessive chewing."
Kay Mazzo, co-chair of faculty of the School of American Ballet,
acknowledges the pressure to be thin. "There's definitely an aesthetic you have to have in ballet." But, she maintains, "it
doesn't mean you have to be [just] bones." She describes the school's approach to anorexia. When they spot a problem, they
contact the parents first, then initiate talks with the student. They arrange for the dancer to see a nutritionist, then a
doctor. If the doctor feels it's necessary, he sends the student to a psychiatrist.
SAB maintains a health committee that meets monthly and includes
a nutritionist (who Mazzo says is particularly good at getting the students to consider their future), a physical therapist,
doctor, psychiatrist, and directors of resident and student life for students who board. "We don't want anybody to slip through
the cracks," says Mazzo. "We always stress we want them to be healthy. We want them to deal with it in the correct way, because
it [affects] the rest of their lives."
When Mazzo and other faculty members give auditions around the
country, they are on the lookout for potential cases of the disorder. "When there's a girl who seems to be talented but is
too thin, we won't take her," she says. "It's a warning to us. Let her stay another year at home and see what happens."
Eleanor D'Antuono, a former principal with American Ballet Theatre
who teaches at the Joffrey Ballet School in Manhattan, the Nutmeg Conservatory in Connecticut, and New Jersey Ballet, has
a practiced eye at spotting anorexia. She says she becomes aware of "behavior that's different, a glassiness in the eye, a
different concentration level. Dancers who are anorexic are withdrawn, they don't connect with you, don't respond in the same
way. If something doesn't go well, their frustration level is much higher. They are very compulsive. It's frightening."
D'Antuono explains why dancers are so susceptible to eating
disorders. "Everyone in professional dance is driven. The need to be perfect is what throws them over the edge. Part of it
is a lack of confidence, a desperate need for attention." She stresses how crucial it is to step in and help before it's too
late. She feels that more teachers have become aware of this, helping to reduce the cases of anorexia among dancers. Another
factor, she says, is "the horror stories of what has occurred later on in life."
Dr. Bardes: "The main long-term complications involve the bones
and the heart. Bone loss resulting in osteoporosis [can lead to] fractures of the spine and hip. The heart complications involve
abnormal heart rhythms, which can lead to loss of consciousness or sudden death. There is also an unusual 'refeeding' syndrome,
in which people who have been starved suddenly eat again and develop symptoms of heart failure."
At Sarah Lawrence College in Bronxville, New York, which has
a strong modern dance program, eating disorders are seen as reflecting social and media ideals. "Almost every woman in this
country has [concerns] about her self-image," says Emily Devine, a member of the SLC dance faculty. "One of the things we're
trying to do is change the aesthetic culture a little bit." How are they embarking on this change? They require the dance
students to sign a form at the beginning of each year acknowledging that if faculty feel a student is harming herself, the
department reserves the right to refer the student to health services and deny access to classes. The dance department maintains
an ongoing dialogue, including meetings with the entire program of 65 to 75 students, follow-up, and workshops with alums
who are dancers and nutritionists. Plus, Health Services at SLG sponsors a support group for students with eating disorders.
John Magnus, artistic director of the Joffrey School and a colleague
of D'Antuono's, teaches the most susceptible age group: 15-year-olds up to professionals. He says he is surprised how little
he has come across it--"really only a couple of times" in two decades of teaching. But he finds any conversations about weight
with dancers to be terribly delicate. "If I start talking to a dancer about weight, it's very, very tricky. People have a
hard time accepting corrections now. A lot of artists are very insecure, and I worry about sparking something off. Some will
do anything to get weight down."
Magnus speaks for all devoted teachers when he says of the relationship
between teacher and students, including the struggles of weight and health, "Dancing is a slow process. It's a partnership."
And Devine speaks for a new, more inclusive aesthetic when she
says, "All kinds of people are beautiful when they're dancing."
Amanda Smith, a longtime contributor to Dance Magazine, is on
the faculties of Coe College and Hofstra University.
12 WARNING SIGNS OF ANOREXIA
How can you tell the difference between normal weight loss and
an eating disorder? If you are concerned about a student or colleague, the 12 warning signs below might help determine if
she has a serious problem.
"If someone looks excessively thin, keep an eye on them over
a period of time," suggests Dr. Linda Hamilton, Dance Magazine's "Advice for Dancers" columnist. If what you see points to
anorexia, inform a teacher or artistic director of your concerns. Dancers are more likely to listen to a person of authority
(whom they trust) than a peer. It is critical she gets help before the severe lack of nutrition leads to injury due to weakened
bones or irregular heart activity.
These pointers have been gathered from several sources including
Charles L. Bardes, M.D., professor of clinical medicine at Weill Cornell Medical College, and Peggy Swistak, consulting nutritionist
for Pacific Northwest Ballet. --Jennifer Stahl
1: Dance becomes lethargic and shows a loss of athletic power. Has a hard time retaining stamina through long combinations.
2: Has trouble concentrating and/or memorizing phrases.
3: Starts wearing baggier clothes to hide body
4: Constantly chews gum or drinks coffee and diet sodas (if this is a dramatic change).
5: Goes through a growth spurt, but doesn't gain the appropriate amount of weight to match the new height.
6: Soft body hair grows on face, arms, or other surfaces. Meanwhile her scalp hair thins and might even fall out in patches.
7: Her skin becomes dry, with a pale, orange tint that is most visible in the hands.
8: She gets light-headed or dizzy while dancing.
9: A once outgoing dancer might attempt to hide in the crowd or move to the edges of the studio to draw less attention
to herself.
10: She isolates herself from other dancers and becomes withdrawn. She starts acting secretive.
11: If the anorexia also has elements of bulimia, she might gain a chipmunk-like took around the chin because of swollen
glands in the neck. Her knuckles may show abrasions.
12: Stress fractures are a red flag if they coincide with skipped menstrual periods. This is known as the Female Athlete
Triad: disordered eating, no menses, and osteoporosis.
Toby Diamond, consulting psychologist for Pacific
COPYRIGHT 2006 Dance Magazine, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2008 Gale,
Cengage Learning
source site: click here
|
|
|
|
|
Are You Vulnerable?
By Jan
Tincher
Have you ever been
to a party and someone came up to you and said, "My, you look fat." Or "My, you look skinny." Or "My, you look stupid." You
get the idea.
If you are already having problems with whatever issue they've mentioned,
those words will have a serious impact on you. Even if the person came right back and said, "I was only kidding. I didn't
mean it."
His or her apology won't be what you'll remember, the apology won't be the words you run back and forth in your mind. Just like that, your shoulders start slumping, you lose your zest,
and you want to go home. And you are seriously ready to make someone else's life a living hell when you get there.
Why? Because someone said something that hurt your feelings? You know the pity party you are about to embark on? NO ONE has any fun there. Why put yourself through that?
You see, if someone hadn't tripped your trigger, you would have had a great time. *They* didn't
hurt you. They only tripped a trigger that you have kept near the surface. You LET them hurt you simply by being vulnerable in that area, by keeping your vulnerable outlook close by so that they COULD hurt you.
Can you imagine what your response would be if you weren't vulnerable? If they said "My, you look fat", but in actuality you are thin? You'd laugh it off, wouldn't you?
Why not take charge of your life? Why not take it upon yourself to be prepared for
something like this? Be prepared to laugh it off. Because it's going to happen as long as you have excess weight, a unusual
hair style, pimples, glasses, or anything else that people make fun of.
*** TIP:
Did you notice that I didn't say *as long as you have YOUR excess weight, unusual hair, etc.?* Because if you keep claiming
it, you'll keep having it. The more you say *I'm fat* or whatever when you look in the mirror, the more you will keep the
problem. The more you say derogatory words when describing yourself, silently or out loud, the more you impress those ideas
into your subconscious, the more you will bring them into your life. The more you unconsciously invite people to make fun
of you. ***
Here's how to fix that.
The minute
someone has hurt your feelings, or touched a vulnerable area, start imagining them in plaid pajamas. Their pajamas
aren't just any pajamas, though. These pajamas have a video playing in one of the big squares of the plaid on their chest.
The video has good things happening. It has your mom, your dad, your brother or sister or grandma or grandpa, or someone you
respect telling you all good things that you've accomplished in your life.
They're patting your back
and you are feeling terrific. You are paying attention to the video - and as you are paying attention to it, your shoulders are going back, your
back is straight, you have a smile on your face - until the person has left, knowing he or she can't get a rise out of you.
You have just gone up
a notch on their respect barometer, and next time you'll be able to talk with them closer to equals instead of you with *sucker* tattooed on your forehead. Sucker is just another word for
vulnerable. Don't sweat it! You know how to take care of it.
*** I realize there are some who don't have any good memories to use in their video. This is where the Lemon
article that was in last week's Tame Your Brain! will work. If you missed it, click here: mailto:jan@tameyourbrain.com and
put Lemon in the subject line. I'll send it to you. If you have any questions after reading it, feel free to write again.
***
Let me know how it works in your life, OK? And maybe you have even better ideas
that I can share with our readers? And watch this e-zine for more hints on how to live your life positively. By the time the year is over you will have learned about techniques and strategies on how to turn almost anything into a
positive situation. That's my goal, so help me help you achieve it, OK?
Thanks for reading, Jan
Copyright 2000, Jan Tincher, All Rights Reserved
Worldwide
Learn unique strategies and techniques for personal success from Jan Tincher online at http://www.TameYourBrain.com
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
