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 On Truth and Lies
By Dr. Francisco Bontempi
On Truth & Relationships:
The big game of relationships is life. The relationship between ozone and skin cancer,
between kindness and wisdom, between a mother and a son, between two lovers, between mass its speed and its gravitational balance.
Everything in this universe is based on relationships- relation, ratio, reason, and
intelligence: this is what the Greeks said. They were the ones to see in the "number" the noblest expression of the reason
for things to be its "reason or relation."
Thus, the reason for us being, is the big game's span: a span of relationships. But
in this game of what we are, truth and lies weave inevitably, like light and shade to create the scenery in which both of them are needed. I could say that the truth is our nature and the lies are our second nature.
Thereby, in this game of light and shade, so well described by Eric Berne, in "The
Games that People Play"; the complex emotional games which build the subjectivity of what we believe we are and the perception which others have of our behaviors.
Questions, Answers &
Freedom:
A first question might be, when did you lie for the first time? Maybe we lost Paradise,
not because we ate from the forbidden fruit, but because we lied afterwards. Wouldn't God have softened towards his children
if they had answered: "Yes Sir, we ate from the tree of wisdom because we wanted to be like you?" because, doesn't a child want to be like his dad? This fear of exposing the truth is very old, as is the putting on of false appearances.
The chameleon and the praying
mantis lie naturally, to their victims saying, " I am a branch." The need to survive makes us put on these appearances - only sometimes, many times, that heavy cover ends up trapping us - it chokes us, it overwhelms us and it makes us experience depression, loneliness and the absurd.
Therefore, there is need for truth because truth has a liberating force, it enlightens and lighten us. There are powerful emotional reasons in us; they can be as deep as the most primitive brain structures. Some of them are expressed as negative
feelings which make us suffer: guilt, envy, jealousy, desire, anger, fear: others make us feel wonderfully well: love, trust, friendship, the feeling of freedom and creativity.
If the truth is a position of intellectual honesty, it is also a feeling of strong and corporal authenticity: The feeling of knowing and recognizing " I am this one that I am," this acceptance of what we are makes things much easier.
That "moment of truth," generally, comes with a strong feeling of freedom. We aren't more free because we can come and go from North or South, but because we can know, recognize and tell what we are, (including our limits, of course), and the motivation for our movements. Getting to know what we are is one of the best things
in our lives. Whoever achieves adequate maturity will reach that acknowledgment and will enjoy not just him/herself, but also the generous gift of friendship.
In the overcrowded societies of the 20th century, one of the
biggest problems has been loneliness: that is, the restriction in interpersonal communication, the no-relationship, or the fraudulent superficial relationship as a common way of coexisting; and one of its most common
consequences: depression.
There have also been characteristic reactions to this: the solidarity revolutions,
the sects, the religious revival and expansion, including fundamentalists, the development of numerous ways of psychotherapy,
the hippie and new age movement, the search for a new humanism, etc.
On Human Growth
A human being needs to acknowledge him/herself and communicate in a deep and real way for his/her growth: that is sharing friendship, having relationships "from the heart". Often clients
tell me in my consultations that, before talking with a therapist, they would prefer talking to a friend. And here's the problem:
superficial friendship is very common.
The heart to heart friendship, unfortunately, is a rare gift. Perhaps it could be
said that the object of the therapy is to gain the freedom to have real friends. At some point in the therapy, either individually or in group, the individual, psychologically lays
him/herself bare.
S/he assumes and accepts him/herself, and from that " acknowledgment of what s/he is," communicates with the others. Authentic relationships and the gift of friendship are born from this ability. Therefore, growing as a human
being is paradoxically, coming closer to being the child we were.
Recapturing that ability to play with the truth and assuming, even, the conscious lies which we choose to make valid; to know that, if you are authentic, you will share
deep affinities with some and disagreements with others. The game of the truth puts us in front of the other’s mirror and it challenges us to be ourselves, just more conscious.
Truth, Humor & Health
When an animal evolved enough to laugh at itself, mankind appeared. Is this true
or false? Whatever we believe, a good sense of humor is essential for a healthy digestion. The truth without humor can be tragic and hard to digest. Health is not just the absence of illness, but a state of physical, psychological and social
wellbeing. Feeling well with oneself and with life, is a symptom of health. But feeling oneself is knowing oneself.
Experiencing the acknowledgment of: "this is me". We look at ourselves in the bathroom mirror when we brush our teeth; in the mental mirror of conscious meditation; in the live mirror of other people’s gaze. We see ourselves there and we identify with ourselves. But, in which mood
do I know myself? Conceivably what I’m seeing of myself I don’t like at all: it makes me feel bad, I would prefer having another physical or moral picture, and I'm finding that I don’t accept "this that I see".
In the non-acceptance state, humor turns into gloom, depression and very probably into defensiveness. Like the chubby girl who doesn’t accept herself because the picture she identifies with success and social acceptance is that of a skinny top model, so she gets depressed and obsessed with food, and ends up living in a distressing bad mood. Good mood and acceptance are linked: like that hilarious fat lady who says "this is me, and I enjoy and relish myself as natural and healthy."
Self-acceptance reflects very well the different levels of acceptance we experienced in our childhood. A low acceptance environment makes us hide in the closet, or behind a picture of a false and painstakingly manipulated ego. As true beings and behind our personal lies, we are all part of this truth and lies web, of reality and image.
If you propose to play the game of truth with our book, you are going to find the questions hard to deal with, but always within a clearly humorous framework. It is an invitation to acceptance and laughter. Can't we laugh at the most serious part of ourselves?
Perhaps you would like to review the questions on your own and then take the risk at playing with others. If you find a group of friends who reasonably accept you, as you are, able to laugh at you, with you, the game will have been worthwhile. And if you don't find one:
don't take for granted that a group like that doesn't exist, it's just that you haven't looked in the right direction.
Francisco Bontempi, MD.,Tegueste, Tenerife, Spain
Author's
Bio: FRANCISCO BONTEMPI, MD was born in
Valpariso, Chile on November 14, 1946.Francisco is the son and grandson of immigrants. In 1973 he too immigrated, to beautiful
Tenerife, to grow roots after years of traveling. He has trained in many parts of the world. Now a Spanish citizen, living
and practicing in the Canary Islands, he has combined his work and his love of nature. Francisco is a medical doctor and surgeon
recognized by the medical boards of the United States who trained in psychiatry at the Universidad Catolico de Chile. In addition,
he studied philosophy. He defines psychotherapy as "the knowledge, practical art and technique of experiencing who and what
we are." His many years in private practice- both individual and group therapy – and varied life experiences, gives
him the credibility to write this book. He is married, to Marilu, and has 3 children, Daniel, Paola and Andrea. He can be
reached at www.gameoftruth.com
source site: click here
There is a very old adage which says
“Dictionary is the only place where SUCCESS comes before WORK.”
Work- It’s defined as an activity which keeps
you engaged, which earns you bread for your livelihood and satisfies all your basic needs and paves a way for being luxurious too.
But Work is just that!!!
We all start working and get acquainted with a job when our academics are completed, probably we start taking
that responsibility by early twenties or even lesser in many cases.
There are countless types of jobs people get assorted with. Which ever
door one may enter, WORK is an occupation which keeps you occupied.
But the question here
is……. HOW MANY OF US REALLY ARE ENJOYING THE JOB WE DO? At the end of day, how many of us go home really
satisfied, happy and contented?
Each individual have their own perspective to define work, needs and level of satisfaction.
According to the Maslow’s hierarchy of need triangle, we have Physiological,
Safety, Social, Ego, Self-actualization and Spiritual needs.
Physiological needs are such as basic necessities
such as Food, Air, Shelter and an activity. This is just the biological balance and stable equilibrium.
Social needs are all about the social behavior at
work place which includes intimacy between employees, their comfort level of interaction, conduct of peers etc.
Ego Needs – All of us are in need of respect
& recognition. Ego is the want of respect for self and also the identification for one-self.
Self Actualization – is working for a purpose,
personal growth and also realizing one’s potentiality. This is an active part where one realizes one’s functionality
and delivers the job to a complete satisfaction. This also paves a way to personality development. It drives one forward and onwards.
Spiritual needs – Need for purity, need for
feeling rightness, Sensation of closeness to destiny, justifying a role for edifying ones goals, It’s a part of human
mind inclined towards the spirituality & philosophy.
So, Human needs towards
work would all roll in different circles as explained above.
Many of us even after
satisfying ones need in all the above sectors…move a step ahead to complain that the work is monotonous, dreary, tiresome, repetitive,
uninspiring … etc.
But the true fact is that, a job seems to be uninteresting
when you stop yourself to be innovative, when there is a cease in the process of thinking in a different direction, pioneering
new ideas, stopping one-self to look at the positive outcomes and growth prospects in distinctive & diversified manner.
A very significant reason is ATTITUDE.
Most of us carry closed loops in our mind.
We shut all the doors of a room and look at only one direction and expect sun rays to rush in, star’s to twinkle in
day-light.
We actually don’t see the world and take it
as they are, but the take the things as we are. So that’s the reality. We expect everything to go according to our intentions,
our desires and ambitions. We never give it a thought… that may be my calculations might also be wrong. We tend to do
mistakes and we block the ways to re-think otherwise and seal it off only with our factuality’s and assume it to be
perfect.
This mental approach is universally true even at our personal life perspective
too.
Open up, grow and think for an improvement, believe that you can do something
innovative, imagine to think differently and what actually can make you feel pleased about the place and bring a smile on
your face.
Have fun at work; wish everyone as you are entering in into your office.
Read some inspiring thought to start off your day. Be enthusiastic, always keep in mind that people may forget what you said,
but they can never forget the way you made them feel. So being motivated and carrying that zeal towards life just not keeps
you in pace, but reflects and attracts other people to flock around you.
Be engaged in
diversified activities – Multi tasking keeps you more active and multi tasks bestows you with appraisal, recognition
and more verve.
Blend with others - Mingle with people, speak to them intimately. Be kind,
humble and respect them. Socialization keeps off from being boredom.
Take short breaks, go for a short walk.
Try to discover and know something new everyday. Work hard – Work
is just like maintaining a garden which needs lot of water, but in the form of perspiration. Reminisce that no garden is built
sitting under a shade and claiming Oh! How beautiful!
Love the job you have taken – love gives you ultimate satisfaction. Adore the work you do, it returns back with tons of happiness. After all… our ancestors were not fools to say Work
is Worship. The secret of joy in work is contained in one word - excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy
it. Live neither in the past nor in the future, but let each day's work absorb your
entire energies, and satisfy your widest ambition. Pay justice to the place you work, for you have earned your bread by it. Let
it leave a feeling of being worthwhile.
Life is just a mask, when you uncover it… you get
hard work behind it. Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and
some don't turn up at all. Get happiness out of your work or you may never know
what happiness is. Real success is finding your lifework in the work that you love. Author's Bio : Dr.
Pratima Jagadeesh BE, MBA, PhD
source site: click here
A Woman's Worth
By
Gaye Abbott - source site: click here
A
woman’s worth. I wonder what you are thinking and feeling when you read that phrase? Growing up as girls we get 1,000’s of messages from the outside – other people, situations,
school, friends, and then later on lovers, boyfriends, bosses, etc. You get the picture.
We
are taught that our worth lies in what we do and how we do it, not who we are. We
excel often, not for our own thrill of finding our potential and expressing our unique creativity, but out of a place of pleasing
others, or even competition, thinking that if we just do it “good enough” that others will find us worthy of ________
(you fill in the blank).
I
can write about this because I am one of those girls who grew up into womanhood believing that it was what I did for others that determined my self worth. Now, at almost age 60, I can say – that is not it!!
The women’s leadership workshop, The Power of You, created
by Beroz Ferrell,that I attended this year, had me reflecting a great deal on women embodying their own self worth. There
is an innate worth that we are all born with. It precedes anything else. Look at the infant
who expects, and demands, their needs to be meant just because.
For most that is what they receive, by being themselves in the moment, even if that means crying
at the top of their voice. Now, I am not suggesting that you “cry at the top of your voice”, but I am saying “live
your passion” in alignment with the depths of who you are – and that may mean speaking more loudly than you are used to, or
being in a way that is counter to what everyone else is doing.
Our culture is not set up
to always honor individuality if it doesn’t fit into the mainstream, thus we get caught up in patterns of being that
take us so far away from our innate authentic expression that we lose ourselves. It could be a job, a relationship, even spiritual
practice where we think that being the woman that “fits in”; takes on more and more tasks or challenges; does the practice perfectly;
or even succeeds the most at her own business - will get us the elusive self worth that we have been chasing for most of our lives. Now, if
this doesn’t fit you, then bravo! You have something to teach to others!
Let us hear from you! For most of us, however, we have struggled with our “self worth”
most of our lives feeling that it was something that needed to be validated from outside of us, or something that we had to prove or get. I believe this is often true for men as well, but perhaps they have not consciously struggled with it to the extent that women have
in what we have perceived to be a male thought dominated culture.
There is a word in women’s vocabulary that I hear so often
that I wonder if we even realize we are saying it. A friend of mine told me a short time ago that when she lived in Japan
this word preceded everything that you said – perhaps to preserve personal space – and she still hasn’t
broken herself of the habit so many years later. This word is “sorry”.
"Sorry"
is a word that women say often preceded by “I am”. It is almost as if we are apologizing for our expression, our
being, or maybe even for taking up too much space. It has become such a "norm" for women to say this when it is not at all
necessary. I do believe we have numbed out to the fact that we exchange this word many times a day and don't even realize it is so much a part of
our vocabulary. What follows is an alternative way of re-patterning that I have had great fun with. Try it out and pass it
on.
Here is a PRACTICE for you:
An opportunity was
given to me to bring to the women's leadership workshop I attended recently an exercise that I learned in a play workshop
for women last year. I now gift it to you to pass on. Every time you hear yourself say, or start to say, or even think, "I'm
sorry" for no real reason REPLACE it with the words, "I'm so sexy!".
It is fun, you are given the opportunity to feel another energy, and believe it or not, it breaks the mindless habit of saying those other words so many times a day. Take this as a practice for the
week....and let me know what happens! I just gave it to our waitress at a local restaurant I went to and my friends and I
watched her entire being shift in a matter of minutes.
She went from a young woman that stated she was tired and “not with it” (thus apologizing to us) to a smiling, sparkling, engaging person. She then proceeded to brighten
our breakfast with her much more energized whole self. Support your friends and "sisters" - and yourself - in confident, mindful, congruent, and passionate expression! I’M SO SEXY!
Remember Your Worth
Author's Bio: Living
in the Pacific Northwest, Gaye offers “resistance training”, guidance, quality resources through the WildlyFreeWoman
ReSource Collective, workshops/seminars, and group/one-on-one "muse support" for women 50 years of age and beyond. Mentoring
younger women is also dear to her heart.
In the past few years, in preparation
for guiding other women to live life on purpose with passion, confidence and curiosity, she has danced with Desmond Tutu in
Bali, Indonesia; relocated three times in 3 years; joined a high level MasterMind group; started her 4th business from the
ground up; and has moved into her 6th decade continually unfolding her wildly free nature, and committed to women’s
personal and global authentic expression and thriving.
She is the founder of www.WildlyFreeWoman.com,
editor of the blog WildlyFreeWomenSpeak and the e-zine, WildlyFreeWomenThrive.
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Feeling Worthless
By Alison
Finch
I want to get straight to the heart
of this topic, because I firmly believe that there is a simple three-step approach that can cure feelings of worthlessness, even
if you've felt crushed by those feelings for many years.
That's right: a cure.
It may not surprise you to
learn that feeling worthless is very common among women. You almost certainly know that.
In fact, feeling worthless is possibly the most obvious symptom of low self-esteem. But
it's also one of the easiest to overcome.
Let me provoke you for a moment
by making a bold statement about worthlessness. You may want to reject it out-of-hand, but
I urge you to hear me out on this point because I'm going to show you how to prove this statement is true!
Feelings of worthlessness
are entirely subjective. They are all in the mind. They have no basis in reality. They do not constitute a problem that requires
"fixing", and you can choose to stop feeling worthless simply by opening your mind.
Fixing your self-esteem as
a whole is not quite so easy, but nevertheless it is a reality for every woman.
OK, I know that some of you
are now cross with me. You may even want to scream at me "it's all very well for you to say that, but I've been feeling worthless all of my life and I have no idea how to stop and it's driving me CRAZY and, and, oh I'm
so sick of being ME!"
Whether you're cross or not,
I'd like you to think carefully about what I've got to say next. It's about how we might assess what something is worth.
What's the easiest thing to value?
How about a ten-dollar bill,
in pristine condition, uncrumpled, never having changed hands?
It's worth 10 dollars, right?
To you, to me, to anybody. Imagine sealing that newborn, crispy ten-dollar bill in a watertight container and dropping it
in the middle of a deep lake. What's it worth now?
Well, it's still got an intrinsic
value of 10 dollars, but in order to hand it over to a storekeeper in exchange for some food, you'd have to rent a pretty sophisticated
boat, some fancy detection equipment, and maybe a team of skilled divers to get that box back. And that would cost you far
more than 10 dollars.
At the bottom of a lake, your
perfect, crispy ten-dollar bill is worth less than nothing.
What's that got to do with you?
You had some intrinsic value when you were born. Everybody does. You had a potential capacity to make the world a better place, to bring joy and
happiness to others, to experience a sense of emotional, spiritual, and physical fulfillment.
That was worth
something. It still is. Because you still have a potential capacity to do those things.
Our deepest fear
is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
- Marianne Williamson -
But what if you're an exception?
What if your parents, the other kids at school, your ex-husband, or the rest of society has gradually knocked all of that
potential worth out of you?
Well, they haven't. I can
be sure of that, because it's impossible to take away a living person's capacity to add value to the world.
Only you can suppress that value. Only you can decide to hide yourself away, feeling empty and alone. Only you can put yourself in the position of a ten-dollar bill at the bottom of a lake.
Do you see what power you have, right there in your own hands?
No matter how tough your childhood,
no matter how rotten your luck, you can CHOOSE to enrich the world every day simply by the way you interact with others, by
the way you make caring decisions, and by the way you feel about yourself.
If you're feeling
worthless right now, then I'd like to ask you a question. What proactive steps have you been taking recently
to overcome those feelings? Many, many women - when I put this question to them - answer with something along the lines of "um, well, nothing really
because I feel stuck in a rut".
Those women, all of them,
are certainly not happy that they feel like that. But feeling like that is a habit that has become - almost paradoxically
- a source of comfort to them. Why? For one of two reasons:
- Feeling worthless
is a safe option because it reduces the amount of pain you suffer when things go wrong. If you already know that you're no good
and that no one will fall in love with you, or give you a job, or even care enough to listen to you, then when a rejection
wings its way towards you - which it certainly will because it happens to all of us - then you're better prepared than most.
You can say: "Ah ha, you can't ruin my life because I already knew this was going to happen; I already knew that you didn't
really love me/want me/value me!"
- Feeling
worthless is an easy option; if you're worthless there's no need to try to do well and succeed
in the things that matter to you because there is simply no point. Also, if you act as if your opinions and your desires are
all worthless then people leave you alone. If you say you have no remarkable skills or talents
then there is no need to apply them. If you say that you are a useless, hopeless nobody then people will expect far less from
you. And just maybe you could get lots of sympathy and perhaps even another person (on a white horse in shining armour) coming
to your rescue to sort your life out for you.
Deep down, all of us really WANT to feel valued
But, the harsh truth is, we will feel valued only if we are willing to contribute something to the world around us. And whether we contribute anything or not is a choice.
OUR choice.
A few of you might be annoyed
with me at this point because you're still feeling worthless but you do not agree that you
are either choosing the safe, easy options or looking for a sympathy vote. If so, let's take a look at your logic.
Your annoyance can only be
caused by the injustice of my suggesting you are choosing the "safe" or "easy" option. You're saying to me "Don't put me down. I'm not like that. I AM WORTH MORE
THAN THAT!"
Exactly my point! Please remember,
I am not the one doubting your self-worth, you are. All I'm doing is pointing out that if you're
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