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 If You Dine Alone, What Will People Think of You? PART 1:
See If You Can Predict the Results
by Bella DePaulo, is the author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily
Ever After, and a Visiting Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara.
On a beautiful summer evening
at Baltimore's Inner Harbor, back when I lived on the East Coast, I stopped for dinner at an outdoor café. My server lingered
a while each time she appeared, offering conversation along with the refills of my iced tea. I wondered - did she think I
was uncomfortable dining alone?
In fact, I was feeling serene. I had spent a busy, boisterous day with three guys I adore - one of my brothers and his two
sons. They had already left. I wanted to stay and savor in solitude the warm breezes, fresh seafood, and the parade of people
passing by.
It wasn't just my server who
seemed surprised and a bit protective of her lone diner. The hostess who seated me also did the solo-diner double take, glancing
an extra time or two to see whether there really was someone else with me, who had just wandered off for a moment. At least
she did not ask the "just one?" question. (Nor did a spotlight follow me to my table,
as happened to Steve Martin in The Lonely Guy.)
While people-watching, it
struck me that no one else seemed to be at the Inner Harbor on their own. I observed intently for 20 minutes, and never spotted
even one person who seemed to be there without another person or group alongside them. Wasn't there anyone else within driving
distance of the Inner Harbor who would have enjoyed heading off on their own to saunter around on such a perfect evening?
I have always thought it odd
that in a nation supposedly known for its rugged individualists and daring adventurers, so many people seem reluctant to venture
on their own into safe and comfortable places such as restaurants and movie theaters. When I first looked for research on
the topic, I didn't find much. There was a study published in 1981 that reported that people seem more distressed at the prospect
of walking into a restaurant alone than walking into an empty room alone, staying home alone, or living alone.
Why the hesitation? The celebrated
sociologist, Erving Goffman, offered one explanation: "To attend alone is to expose oneself as possibly not being able to
muster up companionship."
Yeah, I know. You didn't need
a sociologist to tell you that if you go out to dinner on your own, other people will think you are a loser.
I'm a social psychologist,
though, and a numbers-loving one at that. No matter how strong my intuition may be, and how many others may seem to agree
with me, I want to see the relevant research. What do other people really think when they see someone dining alone?
Because there were no relevant studies
out there, I decided to do my own. My collaborators (Wendy Morris and Cathy Popp)
and I took pictures of pairs of heterosexual couples dining together - one couple on each side of a table in a restaurant.
Some of the couples were in their 20s or 30s, and others were a decade or two older.
Then we took each of the pictures
and used some computer wizardry to make people disappear. Erase one of the men, and now a woman appears to be dining with
a couple. Erase the other man, and she appears to be dining with another woman. Erase the other woman instead of the man,
and she appears to be dining with a man. Erase all of the other people, and now she is dining alone. (We did the same thing with each of the diners - male and female, younger and older.)
We thought it was important
to do the study this way so that each of the people we photographed (with their permission)
would have the exact same posture and expression regardless of whether she or he appeared to be with other people or alone.
If our intuitions were correct, the diners would be perceived (for example)
as sadder when seated alone than with others - even though they actually had identical expressions each time.
We brought our pictures to
a shopping mall, and asked adults to tell us why a designated person in the picture went out to dinner that evening.
When the picture was of a person dining solo, we asked them to tell us why they thought the person went out to dinner alone.
Now we had hundreds of responses
and comments made by the shoppers. What do you think they said? Focus especially on the solo diners. Can you guess
what the shoppers said about the people who appeared to be dining on their own, compared to when the same people were pictured
with others?
Do you think that particular
categories of solo diners were judged more harshly than others? (For example, men vs women?
Older vs younger?)
I'm stopping here. It's your
turn. Offer your predictions, or share your own stories of dining solo. In my next post, I'll describe the results of the
study.
source site: click here
The Gift of
Conflict
"No man is an island"
said John Donne in 1624, and while he may be guilty of sexism, he appears ahead of his time in other ways as he expresses
a basic ecological and spiritual principle, going on to say, "...every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's
or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in all of mankind."
The great naturalist John Muir expressed a similar sentiment in this 1906 writing, "When we try to pick out
anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe." Indeed there is a seamless web to which we are
all inextricably intertwined; a cosmic, universal web in which the pure essence of life flows through all creation. The electronic
connections of the World Wide Web are just beginning to externalize in material form what has always existed in energetic
form.
And yet, if we are all connected in this manner, this means that whether we
like it or not, we are inevitably in relationship with all things and all peoples. What is the nature of this relationship?
As discussed in Buddhist psychology, all relationships in the mind and in the world ultimately take on one of three forms:
we're either neutral; we like; or we dislike the other that we’re in relationship with.
It seems self-evident that we would want to collect as many in the "like" column as possible: we naturally move
towards those people, experiences and places which resonate harmoniously within us.
But this betrays an important
truth: some of our best teachers and most profound lessons come from those experiences and people we dislike, from
those who "push our buttons", from those we cannot stand to be around. And why is that?
It’s because
these experiences and people force us to see life from a different perspective, to get out of our self-created, self-limiting
cocoons and filters of reality and consider alternative possibilities. They force us to grow, to learn, and to expand our
beliefs about ourselves and the nature of life.
Conflict energizes any
system and when approached with a positive, constructive attitude, leads to creative solutions and ideas. For conflict
prods and encourages us to stretch further, dig deeper and learn to be better people. It’s easy to be compassionate
and loving with those that treat us well, but the real growth comes when we can treat everyone we interact with in a loving
manner, and in so doing honor that universal essence which flows through us all.
Well, you might
say, that sounds good in theory, but how do I deal with my resistance to such people and experiences? Here are some helpful
tips:
Seek out those
that have a different belief system or world view than you do. Really try to understand how and why they think and believe
the way they do. None other than Sigmund Freud once claimed that it was "intellectual suicide" to only talk to people who
believe what you do (though he was also famous for surrounding himself with "true believers"
and not speaking with others who dared to opposed his ideas!)
If someone
you meet elicits a very strong negative feeling in you, examine that feeling in detail. What is it about their ideas
or personality that grates you so much?
Do you, as Shakespeare
said, "...doth protest too much?" That is, is there something in YOU that is similar to this person that makes you want to
run the other way?
In his wonderful book
"A Path With Heart", Jack Kornfield relates the tale of his returning to New York City after living in an ashram for years
and leading the life of a renunciate. He felt completely at peace and that he had mastered the
art of feeling serene in any situation.
However, while
waiting for a family member in the waiting room of a salon, several women looked critically at him and the way he was dressed,
and suddenly he was flooded with enormous anger welling up inside of him. He realized that his spiritual training had not
touched an entire other dimension of life, the interpersonal, and this experience led to his entering psychotherapy to understand
why he reacted so strongly.
Learn to see each person you meet as your teacher. What
does the person next to you right now have to teach? Your spouse? Your boss? Your neighbor? Everyone truly does have something
to teach you about life if you are open to it.
Remember Hermann
Hesse’s Siddhartha, who, upon meeting up with the beautiful Kamala, remarked, "Such women will always have much to teach."
Yes, and so will people you perceive of as materialistic, selfish and greedy business owners; unpleasant and unhelpful service
workers; and loud and arrogant personalities, to name just a few.
Look into your past and
ask this question: who does this person remind me of? Have I been holding onto a grudge, a hurt or a resentment for
many years that this person has come into my life now to remind me of?
If so, explore
ways of resolving your own issue that’s getting projected onto this person. This person may be a signpost of something
in you that may need attention.
So don’t be afraid of conflict. Rather than
avoid it, embrace and invite conflict into your life! Conflict is an opportunity to learn, to grow, to stretch and become
a healthier, more creative and evolved person. Let each conflict help to transform you into the healthiest, most loving person
you can become.
source site: click here
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Dining Alone, PART 2: Here’s What People Really Do Think
of You
Thanks to all who predicted the results of the study that asked,
"If you dine alone, what will people think of you?" A variety of suggestions were offered. My colleagues and I - before we
actually conducted the study - thought all of your predictions seemed plausible. Well, all except one: the one that was correct!
"Adora" nailed it when she said, "It is probably no big deal if you dine alone."
I don't mean that no one ever has a snide thought about a person
who is dining solo. The shoppers who commented on our photos did have some unkind things to say about the solo diners, including
the very remarks that some of you predicted. But, they also made many neutral and positive observations. Most importantly,
the people who commented on the pictures were no more likely to say anything negative (and no less likely to say anything
positive) when the person in the picture was dining solo than when the same person was with other people.
We looked at all sorts of factors to see if they mattered -
for example, was the person in the picture a male or a female? A younger adult or an older one? Were the people making the
comments male or female? Single or married? No matter what we included in the analyses, the answer was always the same - there
were no consistent differences in how a person was judged depending on whether that person was dining solo vs. with one or
more other people.
Let me explain. Some negative comments were made about the solo
diners, as we anticipated. For example, people said things like, "He is lonely," "Doesn't have many friends,"
"She looks depressed."
But look at some of the other comments we got:
"Enjoying a few good peaceful moments."
"She just
wanted to eat by herself."
"Wanted to relax."
"Traveling."
"He seems to be enjoying his dinner."
"Wanted
time to ponder."
And my favorite: "He is secure."
For comparison, let me tell you about some of the comments that
were made about the pictures that showed one man and one woman dining together. We expected those pictures to elicit
mostly kind words. We did get some positive comments. For example, people said that the man was out to "dinner with his
wife for fun;" or that the two are having a "fine, quiet conversation." Others said that "they are very close,"
or that "they enjoy spending time together."
But now look at some of the other comments that were made about
the male-female pairs:
They went to dinner "to have a talk because their relationship
needs some mending."
"She is upset."
"He thought he liked her."
They wanted to "get away from
the children."
She went out to dinner with him "out of obligation - she's married to him."
We found the same mix of some positive, some negative, some
neutral comments for all of the different sets of diners we studied - same-sex pairs, one person sitting across from a male
and a female, or a male and a female on each side of the table.
Two of the people who commented on Part 1 of my post made an
important observation. "Terry" and "Ladyexpat" said that by showing people photos of solo diners and asking for comments,
we were creating a focus on the solo diners that may not occur naturally. Maybe when people go out to dinner, they just pay
attention to their own dinner (or dinner companions), and hardly even notice the other people in the restaurant.
There is some great research relevant to Terry and Ladyexpat's
point. I think that work may also help to explain why people are reluctant to go out to dinner on their own, even though they
are probably not going to be judged any more or less harshly than if they were went out to dinner with other people.
The studies were conducted by Thomas Gilovich and his colleagues
to document what they call "the spotlight effect" - "people's tendency to overestimate the extent to which their behavior
and appearance are noticed and evaluated by others."
Here's an example of one of the studies. College students were
assigned to wear a t-shirt with a picture of Barry Manilow - how embarrassing! Then they had to knock on a door of another
room, where students were filling out a questionnaire, and speak briefly to the experimenter in that room. Subsequently, they
were asked to estimate how many of the students had noticed that they were sporting a Barry Manilow t-shirt. They were far
more mortified than they needed to be - only half as many students had noticed and remembered their t-shirt than they feared.
I'll end, as I began, with the words of "adora":
"I also used to think that if I dine alone, people will think
I'm a loser - until I notice other people dining alone and I actually think they are very cool."
So here's to all the cool solo diners out there!
source site: click here
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