|
 Palliative Care
by Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT for About.com Updated: October 6, 2006 source
site: click here
Sudden and Traumatic Deaths - Trauma, Disasters, Suicide and Murder
A Sudden Death occurs without
any forewarning; it is unanticipated.
A Traumatic Death,
in addition to being sudden, can also be violent, mutilating or destructive; it can be random and/or preventable or may involve
many deaths.
These sudden, accidental,
unexpected or traumatic death shatters the world as we know it; they leave the survivors feeling
shaken, unsure and vulnerable. In this section various resources and information about different types of sudden or traumatic deaths are provided.
The Lightning Bolt that Shatters Our World
Dr. Nathan Kollar, Professor
of Religious Studies at St. John Fisher College offered these words on suffering:
Like a tree struck by lightning--splintered,
shaken, denuded--
our world is broken by suffering, and we will never be the same again. A sudden death occurs without any forewarning; it is unanticipated.
A traumatic death, in addition to being sudden, can also be violent, mutilating or destructive; it can be random and/or preventable
or may involve many deaths. A sudden, accidental, unexpected or traumatic death shatters the world as we know it. It is often
a loss that does not make any sense.
In an instance life is forever
changed. Survivors* are left with the knowledge that life is not always fair and that sometimes bad things happen to good
people. The sudden, traumatic death leaves the survivors feeling shaken, unsure and vulnerable.
*Survivors
are all of those who suffered injuries or losses during traumatic events. Survivors can also be the rescue workers, ems, medical
personell, friends and relatives of the victims.
Definitions - Deaths and Losses
Deaths
A Sudden Death is an instant unexpected
death or a death that occurs within one hour of the onset of symptoms.
An Accidental Death is the loss of life that results
from bodily injury caused by an accident. With an accidental death, survivors are left thinking that the death was so random
and/or preventable that something could have been done to keep it from happening.
A Traumatic Death is one that is also sudden and
unanticipated. The traumatic death is also frequently violent, mutilating or destructive, random and/or preventable. It may
involve multiple deaths or be one in which the mourner has a personal encounter with death.
Losses
A Sudden Loss
is a loss that occurs without any forewarning. In an instant, life is forever changed.
An Accidental
Loss is a loss, often a bodily injury, caused by an accident. There are many different types of losses that can be
experienced.
A Traumatic Loss is a sudden
and unanticipated loss that is also frequently of a violent, mutiliating, destructive nature that may be random and seem preventable.
Definition - Traumatic
Event
A Traumatic Event is an event,
or series of events, that causes moderate to severe stress reactions. Traumatic events are characterized by a sense of horror,
helplessness, serious injury, or the threat of serious injury or death.
Examples of Sudden, Accidental
or Traumatic Deaths
Common examples
of sudden deaths include:
- Heart attack
- Stroke
- Ruptured aneurysm
- Accidents - Car, train, airplane, industrial, vacation etc.
- Post-operative complication
- Anaphylactic reactions (bee
stings, severe allergies)
- Rapidly fatal acute leukemias
- Sudden infant death syndrome
- Rapidly progressive infectious diseases - respiratory anthrax,
certain pneumonias, Legionnaire's
- Suicide
- Homicide
- Natural disasters (Hurricane
Katrina, Christmas Tsunami)
- Human-caused disasters (Oklahoma
City Bombing, the September 11th terrorist attack or any of the recent school shootings)
Each type of sudden loss,
whether a heart or a terrorist attack, leaves survivors bereaved, dazed and vulnerable trying to make sense out of the insensible loss. As survivors of sudden or traumatic death begin to process the loss, they
experience a grief response.
Exploring the Counselor’s
Experience of Working With Perpetrators and Survivors of Domestic Violence
Reviewed by
Priscilla Schulz, LCSW
from an article of the same title by:
Gillian Iliffe and Lyndall G. Steed,
Curtin University of Technology
Published: Journal of Interpersonal Violence , V. 15 (4), April
2000, 393-412
What is the purpose of this
study?
Research on the effects of domestic violence work on counselors is lacking. The authors’ intention
in this study is to add to the body of knowledge about the effects of providing trauma treatment by specifically looking at
domestic violence counselors’ reactions.
Specifically, the authors
ask:
- How does work with domestic violence clients affect counselors’
sense of self, worldview, and emotional and physical well being?
- How has work with domestic violence clients challenged and
changed counselors’ practice, and what are salient concerns specific to helping this population?
- How do counselors cope with the effects of working with domestic
violence clients?
How was the study conducted?
This
study examined the experiences of 18 domestic violence counselors in Perth Australia. The impact of providing counseling to
domestic violence victims and perpetrators was explored using three conceptual frameworks:
- vicarious traumatization (McCann & Pearlman, 1990)
- burnout
- countertransference
Vicarious traumatization
(VT) directly results from hearing victims’ accounts of traumatic experiences. VT was first identified among rescue
workers. Symptoms of VT are usually short-term and resemble symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder.
Burnout refers to psychological
and physical symptoms of distress, such as lower self-concept, a loss of compassion and frequent headaches, and can result
from working with any difficult client population.
Countertransference
describes the counselor’s response to clients’ stories that result from the counselor’s personal issues
or needs. For example, a counselor might "shut down" emotionally and be relatively unempathic to a client if details of the
client’s story too strongly threaten the counselor’s beliefs about the world.
Subjects
To be included in this study
counselors had to have worked therapeutically with domestic violence clients, and such clients made up more than 50% of the
counselors’ caseloads. Thirteen female and 5 male counselors from six different agencies in Perth met criteria and participated
in the study.
At the time, all were helping domestic violence clients. Participants
had an average age of 46 years; they averaged 10 years of counseling experience and 5.5 years of domestic violence work experience.
Most reported receiving about 3.5 days of training about working with domestic violence.
Procedure
Researchers used a semistructured interview to collect information
from subjects about their experiences as trauma counselors for domestic violence clients. Interviews were audiotaped and transcribed.
Each subject was asked to read and make adjustments to the transcript of his/her interview before researchers analyzed subjects’
responses.
Data analysis
Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis (Smith, 1995)
was used to explore and analyze responses. In this method, researchers identified recurrent themes in the transcripts. Themes
were then reevaluated for clarity and to explore gender effects, rank-ordered, compared to each other to identify higher order
themes, and listed.
What were the study’s
findings?
Findings supported prior knowledge that helping trauma victims can present psychological and physical
risk to the helper. Regarding the impact of working with domestic violence clients, researchers identified six major themes:
- Initial impact of domestic violence counseling: Almost all
study participants reported an initial loss of confidence in their counseling abilities, feeling overly responsible and worried
about clients’ safety, and struggling to remain non-judgmental towards perpetrators and towards the choices of clients
who were domestic violence victims.
- Personal impact of hearing traumatic material:
- Emotional reactions of almost all participants included feelings
of horror, lingering visual imagery of severe abuse, difficulty hearing about violence against children or recent violence
against a client, and anger towards both perpetrators and the criminal justice system because of inadequate support and protection
of domestic violence victims. Several reported that it challenged them to maintain a "clinical distance" that protected them
without negatively affecting the counseling.
- Physical reactions included feelings of heaviness, nausea,
churning stomach and feeling shaken in response to hearing clients’ stories of domestic
violence.
- Female counselors reported more symptoms than male counselors
reported. In contrast to male counselors, most females counselors reported feeling emotionally drained and noticed physical
symptoms such as headaches, tension and illnesses that they attributed to doing domestic violence counseling.
- Working with domestic violence perpetrators was described as
"energizing" by all male counselors and some female counselors.
- Changes in cognitive schemas: Work with domestic violence clients
changed most counselors’ worldview with regard to sense of safety, trust and power/control issues.
- Safety: Overall, participants reported feeling "less secure in the world" and more wary of some people.
- Trust: Female counselors reported being less trusting of men whether as part of their work or in their private lives.
- Power/Control: Study participants commented that domestic violence
counseling heightened their awareness of power and control issues, primarily concerning male dominance of women, and that
this had a positive effect on their counseling practices and in their personal lives.
- Challenging issues for domestic violence counselors: Study
participants reported a number of challenges to doing domestic violence work.
- Male and female participants both reported that engaging perpetrators
in therapy was the most challenging aspect of domestic violence work.
- Confidentiality was reported as complex and challenging because
"the rights of the individual versus the safety of the individual" at times seemed to conflict.
- To better address the safety needs of clients counseling practices had to include more in-depth assessment, more flexible work schedules (e.g. longer sessions), more lenient policies regarding cancellations, and casework services.
- All participants reported being challenged by ongoing concerns
about clients’ safety because the risk for retraumatization is high among this client population.
- Many participants reported feeling professionally isolated
because other colleagues did not understand the challenges of domestic violence work.
- Feelings of powerlessness challenged all study participants.
Many participants believed that such feelings represented a "parallel process" to the struggles of their clients who deal
with similar feelings.
- Burnout: Twelve of 18 study participants reported having experienced
symptoms of burnout. Long hours and high domestic violence caseloads were named as primary causes; lack of training and isolation
were reported as secondary factors to burnout.
- Coping strategies: Professional and personal strategies were
reported.
- Debriefing and peer/team support: These strategies reduced isolation and created a shared sense of responsibility among domestic violence counselors.
- Prevention through management of domestic violence caseloads:
This meant keeping domestic violence/trauma client caseloads small. Participants identified this as one of the most important
ways to prevent VT and burnout.
- Good self care: This included physical activity, good dietary,
sleep and recreational habits.
- Acknowledging clients’ strengths: This enabled counselors
to defer ultimate responsibility for clients’ lives to the clients themselves, and to believe that with support most clients can make positive changes in their lives.
- Socio-political involvement in domestic violence issues: Participants
reported that this strategy gave them a positive outlet for feelings of anger and powerlessness that resulted from the work.
Reviewed by Priscilla Schulz, June 2, 2000
Living
Through and Surviving Traumatic Events
2005: Volume 2, Number 2
Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FAAETS, FACW, NCBF, CWS
Suffering breaks our world.
Like a tree struck by lightening —splintered, shaken, denuded
Our world
is broken by suffering, and we will never be the same again.
...Nathan Kollar
In just the past few months, we have witnessed two major hurricanes
in the Gulf States and now a massive earthquake in India, Pakistan and Afghanistan. Thousands of people have been killed,
others have been left homeless without possessions, towns and cities. The massive evacuation of people in anticipation of
Katrina and Rita in Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi and Texas disrupted the lives of thousands of residents. People were often
given little warning when told to evacuate. They left homes, pets and possessions behind and put lives and businesses on hold
to avoid the path of these natural disasters. Some returned to intact homes, others to shambles, rubble or debris. Hurricane
and earthquake survivors, witnesses and evacuees have been left dazed, tired, angry, confused and devastated. Their lives
have been shattered, like the tree struck by lightening, and they may never be the same again.
Natural traumatic events—hurricanes, fires, earthquakes, tsunamis, tornadoes and floods—are
strong reminders of how vulnerable we are to the powerful unexpected forces of nature. Whether the loss of a home, or the
loss of a loved one, sudden traumatic events shatter a person's world, destroy what was once familiar and upset the normal
sense of safety and stability.
Viewing images of destruction, waiting and worrying about safety of family and friends in these
areas, have left many witnesses, observers and others feeling shaken and unsure. Survivors
are left splintered, shaken and denuded.
Equally damaging has been the result on the overall health and well
being of survivors to these disasters. The emotional impact of a traumatic event may be felt for years, and for many whom
have lost everything - a lifetime. This article provides survivors and professionals who may be treating survivors with information
to understand traumatic events, the resulting normal responses and coping strategies to start restoring their health, so disrupted by these
unexpected events.
Understanding Traumatic Events
A traumatic event is "an experience that causes physical, emotional, psychological
distress, or harm," (1)
or "an event, or series of events, that causes moderate to severe stress reactions." They are characterized by a sense of
horror, helplessness, serious injury, or the threat of serious injury or death. (2)
A traumatic event is perceived and experienced as threat to one's safety or stability.
It may involve experiences, changes or emotions, such as: physical injury or illness, separation from parents (perceived abandonment),
death of a friend, family member, or pet, violence of war, terrorism or mass disaster, divorce, loss of trust, a move to a
new location, hospitalization, anxiety, fear or pain. (1)
Devastating, natural trauma - hurricanes, earthquakes, fires and floods - can significantly impact
a person's overall health and wellness. (3) The effects of a natural disaster can be long lasting.
Traumatic events affect those who have been directly affected by suffering injuries or loss(es)
(primary survivors). They can also affect people indirectly, those who have witnessed the events either firsthand or on television
(secondary survivors).
Additionally rescue workers, emergency and medical personnel, counselors, relief work volunteers,
chaplains, friends and relatives of victims who have been involved may also be impacted by the traumatic event as secondary
survivors.
Focusing on the Basics of Coping
When helping traumatic event survivors, their physical and safety needs must be addressed first. Surviving the first 72 hours can be difficult and chaotic. Survivors may need to be reminded
to simply care for themselves and attend to the basic survival needs of the body.
Focusing on the basic necessities - personal safety, basic health needs, eating and sleeping - can help to re-establish some sense of control, in coping with events that may
been beyond anyone's control. (4,5)
Initially, survivors need to:
1. Take it one day at a time.
2. Eat a well balanced diet.
3. Drink plenty of water.
4. Avoid using excess alcohol, medications or drugs to mask the pain.
5. Try to keep up basic hygiene. Remember basic grooming and appearance.
6. Get enough sleep or enough rest.
7. Get some kind of exercise. Even walking can help relieve stress and tension.
8. If at all possible try and maintain some type of a normal routine, such as sleeping
and eating at your regular times.
9. Talk to others, especially those who have lived through and survived similar experiences.
10. Remember healthy coping strategies you have used to survive past challenges.
Draw upon these inner strengths and skills again.
More Suggestions for Living Through a Traumatic Experience
After tending to the basics necessities, survivors can focus
on a bit more. Additional suggestions for coping during traumatic times are found in the table below. They are developed from
Dr. Mark Lerner, clinical psychologist and traumatic stress consultant and President of the American Academy of Experts in
Traumatic Stress.
Common Normal Responses Following a Traumatic Event
The recent
series of natural disasters have served as powerful reminders that we cannot control the events in our lives. We can, however,
control how we will respond in difficult times and choose to view traumatic events.
Gaining knowledge and understanding the common responses that occur following a traumatic event can return a sense of control over the chaos and seemingly random
occurrences that result in the aftermath of a natural disaster.
The stress reactions and grief responses that follow a traumatic event are normal
and very common. Many survivors have lost loved ones, their homes and worldly possessions, experiencing multiple traumas and
multiple losses.
Traumatic events impact physical, emotional, psychological, behavioral, social, spiritual,
environmental and financial well being, disrupting the survivor's normal balanced state of wellness. (3,5) Grief is the normal
reaction to loss. Grieving is the process a person goes through while restoring the balance to his or her health and life.
Some of the common reactions that occur include fear, anxiety, numbness,
sadness, depression, anger and rage. Other reactions include:
-
Negative view of the world
-
Moodiness
-
Impatience or irritability, feeling jumpy
-
Startling with loud noises
-
Changes in appetite - eating too much or not being hungry
-
Problems concentrating
-
Difficulty in school
-
Wanting to be alone more often than usual, or not wanting to be alone at all
-
Re-experiencing the trauma—in daymares, nightmares or flashbacks
-
Increased use of alcohol/drugs to cope with traumatic event, impairing recovery
-
Tearful at unexpected moments, crying more easily or wanting to cry all the time
-
Avoidance of situations that remind the survivor of trauma—places, time of day
-
Difficulty sleeping, nightmares
-
Loss of interest in previous activities
-
Plans for the future no longer matter (7)
Common physical responses include:
-
nausea
-
diarrhea
-
stomachache
-
headache
-
dizziness
-
rapid heart rate
-
lightheadedness
-
allergies
-
rashes
-
grinding of teeth
-
increased colds
-
flu-like symptoms.(2, 7)
Understanding the normal responses that may result following a traumatic event can help survivors realize that certain responses may even
be expected; they are normal reactions to a major loss.
It helps survivors to know that they are not “losing it” or “going
crazy,” rather what they are experiencing are normal responses to an abnormal event. Survivors need to take care of
themselves and understand that these normal responses and feelings are their body's way of coping with a major life-altering event. This knowledge
can make physical and emotional responses less disturbing and overwhelming. (3,4)
When to Seek More Support
Most people who have been directly involved with a painful,
extraordinary stressful, traumatic event will be affected in some way. Many will require some form of assistance, whether
financial, environmental, physical, emotional or psychological. How a survivor reacts to a traumatic event depends on that
person's perception of the events, his/her previous experiences with prior challenges or traumas, his/her coping abilities
and the level of available existing support.
In general, the intense physical and emotional responses start to lessen
within two weeks and often disappear within four to six weeks as life continues and the survivor's attention becomes focused
on other things.
Many people feel better within three months after the event, but others recover more
slowly, and some do not recover without help. Much depends on the survivor's coping skills, prior state and the nature and
the extent of the losses sustained.
Someone who has experienced multiple major losses e.g. loss of home or possessions,
death of a loved one or multiple traumas may take longer to recover. Research indicates that 20-30% of persons directly affected
by a major traumatic event will require some type of long-term emotional support such as counseling. (2,7)
Any trauma survivor feeling or showing any of the following symptoms should seek
professional help.
-
Prolonged agitation or anxiety
-
Depression or extreme hopelessness
-
Impaired daily activities or job function
-
Suicidal thoughts or ideation
-
Prolonged, inhibited or absent grieving
-
Extreme physiologic or psychological reactions
-
Substantial guilt
-
Substance abuse - alcohol or drug use
-
Psychotic states
-
Uncontrolled rage
Various supportive resources that survivors may find helpful include:
Helping the Survivors
The Center for Disease Control’s Emergency Preparedness & Response Disaster Mental Health
Resources offers ways for healthcare providers to address the emotional needs of survivors and help them cope with the traumatic
event: (2)
-
Identify concrete needs and attempt to help. Traumatized persons are often preoccupied with concrete needs (e.g., How do I know if my friends made
it to the hospital?).
-
Keep to their usual routine.
-
Help identify ways to relax.
-
Face situations, people and places that remind them of the traumatic event -
not to shy away.
-
Take the time to resolve day-to-day conflicts so they do not build up and add
to their stress.
-
Identify support sources, i.e., family and friends. Encourage talking about their experiences and feelings with friends, family, or other support networks (clergy and community centers).
Making Sense of Loss & Picking up the Pieces
Trying to make sense of or find meaning sudden catastrophic losses can be difficult. Natural disasters
such as hurricanes Rita and Katrina, the Asian earthquake, or last Christmas' tsunami are beyond anyone's control; they are
reminders of how susceptible we are to the whims of nature. Natural disasters cause sudden, devastating, insensible losses
that cannot be explained. Witnesses are left with the realization that life is not always fair and that sometimes bad things
happen to good people.
We are left asking the poignant question "Why?"
It is human nature to want to answer the questions "Why?" "Why me?"
and "Why did this happen?" yet it may be impossible to ever find an answer. Asking "Why" may be counterproductive, especially
when working on recovering and rebuilding. Perhaps the more worthwhile question to ask is, "How do I pick up the pieces and
go on living as meaningfully as possible?"
Picking up the pieces of a shattered life and finding ways to keep
on living is a challenge. Many survivors discover an internal core of strength, others rely on their faith, and still others
cope by making sense of or finding personal meaning in the events. They view the event as a chance to be reborn, a turning
point or a wake-up call in their life.
Realizing that Life Goes On
Dr. Elisabeth
Kübler-Ross said of mourning, that "it usually ends when people realize that they can live again, that they can concentrate
their energies on their lives as a whole…"
In time survivors come to
cope with the difficulties and the challenges, integrate the loss, and begin to rebuild a new life - a life forever change
by the events. Integrating traumatic events into a new life involves giving up on old dreams and not spending a lifetime mourning
what might have been. Survivors learn to accept what their life is now.
The destruction caused in a few hours by hurricanes Katrina and Rita or the Asian
earthquake may take years to repair. Yet in the midst of the destruction there are signs of life. Les Brown once offered the
wise words, "Change is difficult but often essential to survival."
Although the setbacks from Rita were difficult, residents of these states are changing
in order to survive. They are living by the words "Laissez les bons temps rouler," "The good times will roll again."
Slowly, survivors start to live again. In time, they begin living a
new life, believing that life is worth living and that most of all, despite tragedy...life goes on.
source site: click here
|
 |
|
It's Not Always Death That Causes Us To Feel Shaken
by Kathleen Howe
Yes, I've felt shaken before.
I've felt extremely shaken before. I
am going to say that every woman, man or child who has ever experienced domestic violence in a relationship has felt shaken. Thus, "feeling shaken"
entered the rankings to find itself included here at the new - feeling emotional, 5!
When the pain and anguish of what is an unbelievable truth that is so overwhelming that all you can do is go into shock and your body begins to shake - yes, that happens, but it's the feeling shaken I'm talking about when the most serious of all agonies catches you by surprise although you've been pierced through the heart with the same intensity before so you feel
jaded because you should have known better. I hate to keep relating to my feelings, but I can tell you I was extremely shaken when I took my engagement ring to a jeweler
to get it appraised in trying to sell it for attorney fees - the jeweler took off his little round lens and stared deep
into my eyes.
"I can't give you a dime for this ring. It's not a real diamond or even real gold. I'm sorry."
Eight years of marriage, one son and from the
beginning when he gave me that engagement ring it was all a sham. A police officer was who I married. A man sworn to uphold
the dignity of the morality and law of the American public has bought his fiance a fake diamond ring and then lied to his
girlfriend about it - saying that he took it off my finger in the middle of the night when I slept to sell it for the
much needed money to pay our bills.
"How do you explain that fact to your son from that marriage? How could you have been that
gullible and stupid?" you ask yourself. How could anyone be that bold? How could anyone
be that deceitful? I felt shaken with the news the jeweler told me that day. I walked away from his counter,
his store and into my car which was about to be repossessed - in a trance - unable to feel anything - I was frozen in time. I had been such a fool.
I
felt shaken when my third try at a marriage ended abruptly after only a few months, but
there were certain experiences throughout my three abusive marriages that you can truly understand the meaning of feeling shaken from. I feel very stupid when I write about these specific
experiences but believe me these things happen to people.
These things happen to people who never knew a normal
life. These bizarre experiences would never happen to normal functioning people who understood the true dignity of the institution of marriage. I never knew it and unfortunately, this must have drawn them in - 1- 2 -
3 - one right after the other with barely a breath of fresh air. I didn't know how to live or survive without a man.
I was a total disaster.
As I retell these unfortunate
sagas I have to clearly state that I'm not sure which one shook me more.
I had been experiencing extreme sharp pains with my fourth pregnancy and the doctor was having difficulties finding the cause.
I was already being seen in a high risk clinic because of my age, but I had been overwhelmed with stress and panic as well. The doctor thought it might be my gall bladder that was keeping me up in such extreme pain at night
that I'd sit in the shower under very hot water in a beach chair to try to relieve myself of the intensity of pain I was experiencing.
The father of my child and I weren't married
yet or living together at that time. We had a volatile relationship. But when he barged into my apartment one afternoon to
tell me something, to "fess up" and get something off of his conscience; I never dreamed it would be that he had "herpes"
and had never told me. He yelled it out as he apologized for not telling me before, but now he was afraid that I had contracted it as well and our baby might be in danger. I was shaken to my core.
How could he not tell me this? Incredulously,
I walked away from him and took my eight year old son with me. We walked down the stairs and down the street a few blocks
to a bus stop. Like a zombie, we walked up the stairs of the bus, I plopped the coins through the slot for our fare and sat
down at the closest seat possible. Staring straight ahead, I couldn't speak, or move. I just continued to stare straight ahead
and watching the street signs, did nothing but breathe until I saw the hospital looming on the horizon.
My hand automatically reached up to pull the
stop cord and I heard the bell but it seemed miles away. Without saying a word, as if my son knew that this was something
so horrible that we didn't want to talk about it; he just walked with me. Hand in hand we made it up the hill and into the emergency
room entrance. I couldn't go any further. Contractions were beginning to take me in waves that took my breath away.
I cried out that I was a patient in the clinic and they called my doctor.
She came to get me and I was catatonic. Truly
catatonic, not just in the sense of a descriptive phrase; I was truly shaken to the point
of mental distress. It couldn't have been what he said, in my mind all I could hear were his words over and over
again, "I have herpes. I have herpes." I had no idea what this could do to my baby. I couldn't think or speak or hear
anymore. My doctor, knowing my condition had to call my second husband, the one who was suing me for divorce and
custody of my eight year old son - to come pick him up because I had experienced an accident and was admitted into the hospital.
Within a very short period of time,
my husband had left me to go and live with a young, 23 year old newbie cop who was entertaining all the girls at his house.
He had left not intending to give me a single dime in support. He told me he'd probably be back. He said he needed a break.
I had relinquished my child support for my two older girls, whose father lived in Florida so we could move up to Michigan
where my second husband had been born and raised. He left me and before he did, we had several intense physical fights. He
had punched me in the eye and thrown me outside naked in front of my children.
Within a few weeks, I didn't know what to do.
My kids weren't used to not having their mother home. I had to get a second job to work at night if I was going to have to
pay all the bills. Things were getting very bad. I went on Prozac and Halcion. When my girls were so unhappy with the situation,
I didn't want them to suffer, so I sent them to Florida to live with their father until I could get my life straightened out.
I was in so much pain of heart that I could hardly breathe. I had never been separated from them like this before. I didn't
think I could take it.
I had to give up our home. My son and I had to move in with
some friends until I could figure something out. He wouldn't give me any money - even for what our son needed. I had just
gotten a brand new car. I had high car payments and then I had to find an apartment. Just when I was getting things under
control - I found an apartment that I loved and I thought things might work out, I made a new friend. A woman that lived in
the next door apartment. She was single and we got along great. I moved into the apartment and found day care for my son and
things were beginning to look better.
Suddenly my husband called me and wanted to come back to
me. I loved him and I agreed. I was happy thinking we could get the girls back and things would be wonderful. Totally oblivious
to the abuse I had been subjected to - mental - verbal - physical and even sexual abuse I was excited to have him move in.
My son was happy to have his father back. But it only lasted two weeks and then one day I came home early from work and found
him and my new friend next door in my bed together.
Unfortunately again, I was shaken to the point of mental disturbance. My new friend and my husband, living in the
next apartment, sharing a wall, and she said to me, "I've stolen your husband and now I'm going to steal your son."
It was at that point
I was beyond shaken.
Anyone who has experienced this type of heartfelt
agony and heartbreak knows what I'm talking about. There are people like this out there in the world and somehow I found three
of them. Each one had their forte of evil. Each one hurt me to devastation. Believe it or not, if I had it to do over again,
I would have stayed married the first time. My life would have been unhappy, but it would have been manageable. My children
wouldn't have been affected as they were.
I've seen television shows that have featured
people like the ones I married, and now I'm just grateful that I'm alive because I might not have survived had one more thing
happened in any of the many chaotic traumas I experienced.
If you are experiencing a life full of this type of anguish - get out of it. No
matter what it takes, get out of it. I would hate to think anyone had to experience this type of feeling
shaken to the core.
|
|
|
|
|
Committed Couples: Repairing Hurt Feelings and Shaken Trust
By Dr. Jackie Black
There may be occasions during your relationship when you hurt
your Honey’s feelings or s/he hurts your feelings. There may be those rare times that your beloved does or says something
that shakes your trust or you do or say something that shakes his or hers.
Those times may seem like the end of your relationship. You
might fear that nothing can be said or done to repair the damage. Repairing the hurt is possible if you are both willing to
work it out!
When you are hurt do you try to hurt your partner back? Do you
hold a grudge? Do you reject your partner’s effort(s) to apologize and make up? Sometimes partners don’t have
good tools and skills and don’t use their words effectively in emotionally charged situations.
While acting out against your partner may feel good in the moment,
it really only serves to make the situation worse in the long run. Acting out creates more hurt feelings and makes it harder
for both partners to work through the original hurt.
Here are several essential steps in the repair process:
· Acknowledge what happened
· Admit that you did or said something that you now recognize
was hurtful and unkind or that has shaken your partner’s trust
· Offer an apology that includes acknowledging that you said
or did something that hurt his/her feelings or contributed to shaking his/her trust in you
· Ask what you can do or say to make things better
· Allow your partner time to soothe himself or herself and be
open and ready to receive him or her when the time is right.
Remember, only you can make it happen!
Copyright Dr. Jackie Black 1999-2006
If you like this article, please read more about
Dr. Jackie’s relationship dating advice and help for issues
and problems
This article may be re-published with appropriate attribution
to the author including name, web site, email address and telephone number.
Dr. Jackie is an internationally recognized relationship expert, educator and coach. Advice and coaching
about personal relationships is Dr. Jackie's passion. Her goal is to inspire and support single men, single women and couples
through the challenges and pitfalls of dating, loving and building lasting, committed relationships in today's fast-paced
world. Dr. Jackie's Relationship Coaching Programs and Groups, her Blog, downloadable PodCasts and her Internet streaming
radio show are jam-packed with valuable dating tips and strategies.
Check out Dr. Jackie's Podcasts here: http://www.relationshiptalkpodcast.com |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
) 
