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The following information was found at www.coping.org! It's a fantastic site and I highly recommend you go there to see it all for yourself. You may
find some very useful information!
How do others play on your feelings of shame & guilt?
People can and sometimes will:
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Make you believe they will suffer greatly if you do not respond positively to their requests.
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Call on your shame
and guilt to respond to their requests, even when it means violating your rights.
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Respond to your irrational self by reinforcing your irrational thinking, giving you a sense of blame for past, present, or future actions.
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Build up a verbal or imagined scenario
that portrays you at fault for inaction, thus guaranteeing your sense of shame and guilt and your willingness to do anything to alleviate it.
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Accuse you of misdeeds, words, or actions
to arouse your sense of shame and guilt and make you believe you are the one with a problem in an interpersonal relationship difficulty. (This effectively
takes the pressure off them.)
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Reinforce your negative self-perceptions, encouraging you to be shame ridden, guilt ridden and self-judgmental for their benefit.
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Build a case with moral absolutes to
convince you of the "right way'' to do things, avoiding that negative feeling of shame and guilt for themselves.
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Set up situations for you in which you
will believe your alternatives are limited to that which results in the least sense of shame and guilt.
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Feign or fake hardship, illness, discomfort,
unhappiness, incompetence, or other negative behavior to arouse your sense of shame and guilt and have you take over those tasks or duties, bringing imagined negative consequences with them.
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Threaten negative consequences, like going to jail, to the hospital, to the juvenile detention center, failing school, dying, or divorce. This manipulation uses your shame and guilt to benefit them.
What can shame & guilt do to you?
Shame & guilt can lead you to become:
Overresponsible. You strive to make life "right.'' You overwork. You over give of yourself. You are willing to do anything in your attempt to make everyone happy.
Over-conscientious. You fret over every action you take as
to its possible negative consequence to others, even if this means that you must ignore your needs and wants.
Over-sensitive. You see decisions about right and wrong in every aspect of your life and become obsessed with the
tenuous nature of all of your personal actions, words, and decisions. You are sensitive to the cues of others where any implication of your wrongdoing is intimated.
Immobilized. You can become so overcome by the fear of doing, acting, saying, or being "wrong'' that you eventually collapse, give in, and choose inactivity, silence, and the
status quo.
Poor decision maker. It is so important to always be "right'' in your decisions that you become unable to make a decision lest it be a wrong one.
Hidden by the mask of self-denial. Because it is less shame and guilt inducing to take care of others first instead of yourself, you hide behind the mask of self-denial. You honestly believe it is better to serve others first, unaware that "shame'' and "guilt'' are the motivators for such "generous'' behavior.
Pulled
in. You ignore the full array of emotions and feelings available to you. Overcome by shame and guilt or the fear of them, you can become emotionally blocked or closed off. You are able neither to enjoy the positive fruits of life nor experience the negative aspects.
Motivated to change. Because you feel shame and guilt and the discomfort they bring, you can use them as a barometer of the need to change things in your life and rid yourself of the shame and guilt.
Hidden
by mask of negative self-belief. You may actually have self-esteem, but claim the reason for your negativity is the overwhelming sense of shame and guilt you experience.
Irrational. Because many irrational beliefs lie behind shame and guilt, you may be unable to sort out your feelings. It is important to be objective with yourself when you are experiencing shame and guilt; be sure that your decisions are based on sound, rational thinking.
Irrational thinking involved in shame & guilt feelings
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I was responsible for the bad things that happened to me in my childhood.
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How can I face others with what happened
to me?
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I am an awful person for that to have
happened to me.
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I must have asked for what I got in
the past.
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I am a bad person for what happened
to me in the past.
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I can never tell others what happened
to me in my past.
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I do not deserve to be happy.
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I am responsible for my family's (spouse's) happiness.
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There is only one "right'' way to do
things.
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It's bad to feel hurt and pain.
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My
children should never suffer in their childhood like I did in mine.
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My kids should have more material things
than I did.
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It is my fault if others in my life are not happy.
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If my kids fail in any way, it's my responsibility.
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It is wrong
to be concerned about myself.
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People are constantly judging me, and their judgment is important to me.
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It is important to save face with others.
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It is wrong
to accept the negative aspects of my life without believing that I am responsible for them myself.
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I am responsible if either positive or negative events happen to the members of my family.
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I must not
enjoy myself during a time when others expect me to be in mourning, grief, or loss.
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I must never
let down my guard; something I'm doing could be evil or wrong.
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I must always
be responsible, conscientious, and giving to others.
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How others perceive me is important as to how I perceive myself.
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No matter what I do, I am always wrong.
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I should
never feel shame and guilt.
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If you feel shame
and guilt, then you must be or have been wrong.
Steps to overcome shame & guilt
Step 1: In order to overcome shame
and guilt it is important to first attack them at their root causes.
Shame and guilt stem from a set of fears, beliefs, or behaviors which have been discussed in the Tools for Coping Series. What follows is a separate
listing for both shame and guilt of the factors which contribute to them.
By working on each factor directly using the referenced section on
this website, you will be able to overcome its impact on shame and guilt in your life. Just click on each factor to get to the relevant unit on this site.
The root
causes of shame are:
The root causes of
guilt are:
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